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Can we make it work?

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Shanoa posted 5/1/2014 10:41 AM

Caught my bf sexting another woman a year ago. He admitted to one kiss. We cut off ties with her. We got engaged. Last month I caught him texting her again. He admitted to making out with her a few times. I texted the other woman. She said they made out at least 10 times and things got "heated". She said she didn't have sex with him because she was married. She said he tried. She said he told her his only regret was "not getting to have sex with you". She said when he started texting her again it was "we have unfinished business" (which she said was referring to sex). He's never been fully honest with me about this. I love him very much and was very excited to start our new life together. Is there anyway to make this relationship work?

ShiningAutumn8 posted 5/1/2014 10:54 AM

Well I would definitely believe what the OW is telling you. Your F is lying, obviously.

What is his attitude? Is he still lying? Is he letting you have access to his phone, email, FB, etc?

HoldingTogether posted 5/1/2014 10:55 AM

He's never been fully honest with me about this.

Until this changes, I am sorry, but the answer is no. You can't make it work if he is unwilling or unable to be fully and completely honest with you.

I am sorry you find yourself here.


Shanoa posted 5/1/2014 11:02 AM

He is reluctant to talk about it. He says he feels ashamed and embarrassed. When I ask why he lied he said "I just couldn't look you in the eye and admit what I did to you. I am a coward."

I try saying things like "we need to discover why you did it so it doesn't happen again. Obviously you weren't happy." But he disagrees. He just thinks we should move on and just know he won't do it again because he feels guilty. But I feel like it's obvious he isn't happy or why else would he contact her again when he hasn't seen her in so long? A month after he proposed?

Should I make him go to counseling (he doesn't want to)? Should we do a trial separation? Or should I simply let this go since she lives in another state? Do you think he will just do this again with another girl?

KatyaCA posted 5/1/2014 12:40 PM

Shanoa posting over here instead of JFO isn't going to change the advice you are being given.

Your fiance is telling you exactly who he is and you are NOT LISTENING! When someone tells you who they are believe them. He's immature, irresponsible, unfaithful and wanting to remain unfaithful and no amount of wishing and loving him is going to change that. He has to want to change to do so and he doesn't. You want him to change. They are not the same thing.

You mentioned unconditional love in your JFO thread. IMO mature adult love should not be unconditional. Save that for your children. Your romantic partner should be conditionally loved. You need to start loving and respecting yourslf more than you do him. The path you are on is one heading to your own personal destruction. He will just walk away from the fallout in the end and you will be older and more devastated. Listen to the collective wisdom here. Get into IC and start working on your codependency issues.

tired girl posted 5/1/2014 12:44 PM

Yes he will do this again if HE doesn't figure out why he did it the first time.

Why are you trying to fix this for him?

Shanoa posted 5/1/2014 13:31 PM

I'm not trying to change him. I don't think his actions necessarily shape who he is as a person. Haven't we all made mistakes? IDK maybe I am just really naive or too forgiving. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. At the same time I am just a complete wreck. And I don't see a way out.

tired girl posted 5/1/2014 14:03 PM

If you can accept the fact that as long as he doesn't fix himself he will more than likely do this again, and you can live with that, then stay.

If you don't want to be with a cheater, then get yourself into counseling and find out why it is ok for you to be accepting this behavior from someone. You are not married, you don't have kids with him yet. Now is the time for you to make a change. Get yourself into counseling.

Alexisk17 posted 5/1/2014 14:46 PM

If you can accept the fact that as long as he doesn't fix himself he will more than likely do this again, and you can live with that, then stay.

^^^ pretty much sums it up

I'm not sure what else to say, I read the thread on JFO and you recieved a lot of great advice there.

Can relationships recover from infidelity? Absolutely! Can they recover when the wayward dismisses how you feel, refuses to attend counseling and doesn't like talking about the A? Doubtful.

RomanticInnocenc posted 5/2/2014 01:40 AM

Look, he had his chance to just "know he won't do it again" and blew it by messaging the same ow! This is not to say he doesn't love you, unfortunately I've learnt that your SO can be a total jerk and still love you, but right now he is being about as selfish as he can get! So he gets to propose and then try and eat his cake too, get caught and then say he doesn't want to talk about it or get help? As someone else said,if you are prepared to accept that your future husband is going to walk all over you then yes, the relationship can survive. Do you really want that? Will that make you happy? Stand up, tell him what you need to R and stand by it, he will either grow up and give it to you or he will remain the same selfish man he is today! Good luck, I hope he comes to his senses, you deserve to marry a man you believe can love you and only you!

yearsofpain25 posted 5/2/2014 07:20 AM

The answer to the question of "can we make it work?" is no!!! You cannot make it work with this guy. Anyone who thinks it's ok to fuck a 14 year old minor is not going to work for you. Especially one who will not get help.

You are not in R with this guy. Go back to your JFO thread. You have not gotten any different responses hear and the fine people in this section do not know your full story.

Stay with us Shanoa. You need to get those rose colored glasses off and get yourself well. Forget about this guy and work on YOU!!!

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