SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

survivinglies posted 5/1/2014 11:01 AM

6 years ago today, after months of counseling, I had to dig up the answers to the questions I had written because FWH was too afraid to give them to me. The answers revealed my worst nightmare. I then went to work (a hysterical mess I might add). Can you believe it?

If you read my profile, we renewed our vows and are actively reconciling. I don't like to say we are "reconciled" because it is a choice we have to make every day.

In my case, I was lied to for 13 years, so my long "recovery" time shouldn't discourage anyone. I still think about it everyday, because it is part of who I am. I still have issues with depression and anxiety and have been on meds for the past 6 years. I am a shell of the person I once was and am very cynical about marriage in general. I don't really trust him, but I don't trust anyone but God anymore.

On the upside, I got a better husband who is no longer abusive and I no longer think I am crazy. I am assertive (finally) and no longer feel like I can't live without FWH. I am a successful business owner.

My FWH is a different person now. So am I. Our marriage is better. Our spirtual journey is better. I am thankful, with so many of our friends divorcing, that we have stayed together. He is my best friend.

In some ways, I struggle that my FWH cheated and lied and didn't lose anything, but I didn't want to lose my life either.

I love him, but I now know love is a choice. Forgiveness is a choice. Reconciliation is a choice.

Every year, on our antiversary, we do something unique to create new memories (suggested by our MC). That has helped.

I hope my post gives you hope and makes you feel normal.

forgivingnow posted 5/1/2014 12:49 PM

Thank you for posting. Congratulations to both of you for all the work to get to this better place.
"My FWH is a different person. So am I." What helped you get to this point?

sunvalley posted 5/1/2014 14:08 PM

Thank you for posting this! MC suggested to us to change up the antiversaries as well. She wanted me to 'celebrate' that he had been 'clean' for a month (this was suggested to me right close to DD), then 3, then 6, etc. I felt that was a bit much, but I like your idea of creating new memories...sounds much better than celebrating the fact that they did something they should have been all along! Best wishes to you and I am glad to hear that you were able to do things for YOU.

jupiter13 posted 5/2/2014 02:49 AM

Why do you call him FWH? He will always be the WH it was his choice. Did the history change to be able to say FWH? This question came up in MC too. When would I forgive him and quit defining him by his choice? How can you even say you have a marriage when the very vows you took are broken? I intend no hurt to you at all but this is something I struggle with also. When did I get a faithful husband? Oh yea when he cheated when he sleep with someone else breaking my heart shattering my dreams and my future. He did not loose anything he was not willing to throw away. I am only looking at 3rd coming up Aug. but I can relive all the things I was going through the months before and he was lying to my face the whole time. The family events the parties he only showed up for, for a minute and all the friends I have now lost simply as they drifted away after his big confession. I am still agree hurt and see no true end to it, it is a part of the new me and it is what he choose for me when he refused to answer questions and trickle truthed after that. Welcome to my world.

karmahappens posted 5/2/2014 04:44 AM

so my long "recovery" time shouldn't discourage anyone

As long as you are walking this road together, I don't think there is such a thing as a long recovery time.

Especially not when this is the result.

My FWH is a different person now. So am I. Our marriage is better. Our spirtual journey is better. I am thankful, with so many of our friends divorcing, that we have stayed together. He is my best friend.

Continued success. Enjoy your day and new memories!

survivinglies posted 5/8/2014 13:25 PM

Forgiving- God and counseling got us to that point. That, and TRUE remorse on his part and a TRUE 180 on mine.

Jupiter- we actually renewed our vows because I told him the minute he cheated was the minute our marriage ended in my eyes. I just didn't know I wasn't married for 13 years. :(
I told him I would marry the new man that he is, but I will NEVER go back to the old one again. Not only was my husband unfaithful, but a pathological liar, and verbally abusive. Every once in a while, my old H creeps in, but a reminder from me is all it takes. Of course, it took a lot of counseling to get there. Thinking of him as a new husband (or FWH for some people here) helps me heal just a little bit.

hopefull77 posted 5/8/2014 20:13 PM

In a few weeks we will CELEBRATE 37 years...I love my anniversary...I love most of my marriage...there are more good times than bad....I do not regret my life with him...we love our kids...we supported each other when our parents died...
We are fighting FOR each other everyday....
Has this been easy??? Dear God no way in hell...this is the worst pain I have ever felt...in my life...but we REALLY know NOW how much we love each other....he knows what he could have lost....for what? Some illicit sex with someone as broken as him? He knows he's lucky and thanks me on a regular basis. I thank God for giving me the strength to walk this journey...a road I/we never thought we'd walk.

learningtofeel posted 5/8/2014 22:23 PM

Thanks to all of you - I love hearing the longer term stories of the R process. Some day we will have a recommitment ceremony and I am so looking forward to that day because of what it will signify. We are on our way, but just not there yet.

authenticnow posted 5/9/2014 05:51 AM

Survivinglies,

Thanks for posting that! I wish you continued positive steps forward on your journey!