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4 years ago today

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lordhasaplan? posted 5/1/2014 12:51 PM

Four years ago today my W welcomed her AP into my home and had sex with him. Today I woke with that being my first thought. Funny how your brain has a way of marking trauma. I just woke and it was the first thing. I hadnít thought about her A in months. I post this because I want you all to know what I have learned through this process.
YOU CAN DO THIS! Your strong enough. Your worth more. Your value is what you declare it to be and shout it from the roof tops. This experience was the worst experience of my life but I learned more about myself from it that anything else in my life. I learned to declare my value, to value myself, to never except less. I learned to be a better father, connect with my emotions, find my strength in the shit storm of emotions. I found how to reconcile with myself. I found out how to move past this and you can too. Thank the lord for DS and MH, SI saved my sanity. SO I just wanted to say, 4 years ago my wife detonated a nuclear bomb on our marriage. Devastated my being. But I am here, I survived, I am strong, I am loved first and foremost by me. You got this, one day one step one moment at a time.

bufffalo posted 5/1/2014 14:18 PM

WOW!!! has it been that long? I remember when you joined.....

Thank the lord for DS and MH, SI saved my sanity.

Yeah.....saved my sanity too...24/7....


Bufffalo

krsplat posted 5/1/2014 14:24 PM

Thanks for the check in and the glimmer of hope for those of us just beginning this journey. I'm glad to know some people make it out alive.

And as for the memory... The worst part of grief is the way it sneaks up and punches you when you're not looking. I hope tomorrow is a much better day.

lordhasaplan? posted 5/1/2014 14:32 PM

Bufffalo. You were always a guide through the storm. Can't ever repay those debts.

Gumdropped posted 5/2/2014 08:58 AM

My grief snuck up on me yesterday which is the one year mark of when I found out that my SO had travelled to another city on business and took an EA for drinks and dinner. So the statistics are true. EA's have a very good chance of turning in to PA's. The short story is that he found that she wasnt the " fantasy woman he imagined " and he couldn't get away fast enough. (I have the e mail from her to him stating that she was disappointed that she didn't say and do more with him but just wasn't the right time ....) guess she was a little dense, didn't realize that he just wasn't interested ! Anyway, I am in a funk this week. He knows it. Has been very quiet and tries to tell me that he knows how much he devasted me. Not even close. And he has never given me full disclosure. Only admitted to all that I found out.not a single offering of anything that I didn't know. Just keeps saying that's all there was ! And we all know here that it's usually 5-10 times worse than what we find. I am going to use this sensitive time this weekend to lay out my full disclosure requirements in the hope that if I get a full timeline and full truth I can finally feel safe and move on with him. He keeps saying to me that " we have a great life" and hugs me. Meaning that we shouldn't rock the boat. He should have thought of that for the first 16 months of our relationship while he was trolling dating sites and entertaining at least 5 EA's that I found. Does time really help heal? Today I'm not so sure....... A heavy heart.

lordhasaplan? posted 5/2/2014 09:02 AM

Does time really help heal? Today I'm not so sure....... A heavy heart.

time only heals if your working through it. His lack of transparency and honesty is not going to help you ever get past it.

He keeps saying to me that " we have a great life" and hugs me.

RUG SWEEPING. tell him you disagree with his take, you don't have a great life because he wont own his shit and be fully honest with you.
I wish you peace.

Gumdropped posted 5/2/2014 09:11 AM

Great advice and that's why I rely on all of you and your help on this site. Yes rug sweeping for sure. Always has said he doesn't like conflict and it has been very convenient for him to avoid disclosing anything. Lack of transparency and honesty for sure and yes no great life unless he "owns his own shit" and comes clean. I want to keep the lines of communication open with him and so want to make sure that I keep our interactions non threatening. It's the only way I have been able to move forward. When we fight the defensive anger comes out of him in waves. Guilty much??? You bet he feels bad, guilty ashamed .........it always goes back to how bad I make him feel when I bring up what he has done .

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