Quick back story:
Just over four months out, BH and I are separated but still see each other every day, have very young children together. Currently in limbo trying to work towards R on some days. Sometimes he wants to be here with me and the kids, other times he needs his own space. I'm supportive of that, here for him 100%, whatever he needs.
Last night, BH was going out with friends. He came round this afternoon and told me that while he was out he had a panic attack which was so severe he lost consciousness and was lying on the floor of the club convulsing. Luckily there was a paramedic in the club who looked after him. They took his pulse and it was 144!
I burt into tears when he told me this, I held him saying I was sorry and that I loved him.
BH is not in IC, he is not reading anything (I am reading everything I can get my hands on, I have loads of books at the house but he refuses to even glance at them so I don't push him) he is not on SI. He says he needs to deal with this in his own way, which is to shut everyone out and not talk about anything. I am always willing to talk, discuss anything. I answer all his questions but he never asked many. I keep a journal in the form of letters to BH, he is welcome to read them any time but I don't know if he has.
He has never had a panick attack before. I am so worried about him. I don't know how to help. His friends are useless and he doesn't talk to them, I'm not even sure they know. He won't tell his family even though I have encouraged him to. I want to be there for him, support him but he's just so closed off. I understand why he has walls up with me but I wish he would reach out to someone.
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
I know the NHS can be difficult to deal with though. Would he have to do through the NHS to get into an IC program?
You tell him this is no longer up to him on how he deals with it. You tell him his family, including his kids, are now making him go. He no longer gets a decision. Not when serious harm or even death could be on the line. You let him know this is not an option. End of story.
But, all our medical stuff is through the army as initial point of contact and then passed over to NHS. BH won't go to see the doctor for meds because he can't have it on his medical records, he says it will affect his career.
He adamantly refuses IC. I have tried twice in the last four months to encourage to him attend. He ended up shouting at me that he's not like me, he doesn't need to talk to anyone, it won't help because he's not broken.
I'm so scared to push him.
Your H has a right to die. It's OK that he burns himself up with anger or hate or whatever. That said, he really needs to know that is a choice he is making. You made your choices and now he is making his. IMO, he needs help and it has little to do with the A. He needs to reset himself for himself. No kids, no WW, no nothing. Just for him. If I were you I would tell him that and then ask him what you can do to help him get there. R is not even on table until he gets that shit straight.
my two cents...
[This message edited by wert at 3:15 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]
BH won't go to see the doctor for meds because he can't have it on his medical records, he says it will affect his career.
I can't knowledgeably respond to this. Is he right? Even if so, it's not worth his life. Quite possibly, w/o treatment, he may also develop PTSD if he hasn't already.
His job is all he has right now, he isn't willing to sacrifice it.
He exercises a lot, he's super fit and at the gym twice a day. His self esteem is really low (understandably) and he's throwing himself into working out. But apart from that... nothing.
I will try to encourage him to seek help again but I know I'm the one person he doesn't want to hear that stuff from.
He is a bloody good soldier, personally I think if he focused on himself, got help and healed then he could still continue his career. But he won't hear it.
In the end, you can't fix it for him. I had the same issue with HL. He didn't want to discuss it, didn't want counseling. Nothing. We were separated as well. He chose to bury it. It didn't work for him in the end.
15 year Army Vet here, and it sounds to me he is using his career as an excuse not to go. I know a lot of military people with WAY worse stuff in their records that got promoted. Medical records aren't even part of the packet at a promotion board.
While that may be true, I think a deeper reset it needed here.
If you are dead your career does not do you a lot of good.
A serious reset in life perspective is needed after an A, but certainly after an episode like he had. Again, just my opinion.
I'm going to email him tonight to say I am worried about him and that he should really consider reaching out for some help and support from someone. I will tell him to only focus on that, nothing else. The children and I are not going anywhere so he doesn't need to worry about us. I will support him in whatever way he needs me to.
He didn't say whether he was going to get help or not.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
ETA - He needs to see you fighting to feel loved.
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 7:46 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]