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2yr mark is here

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2married2quit posted 5/1/2014 14:54 PM

Well, in a few days it will be 2yrs since the first kiss. My FWW and OM kissed for the first time and it was fireworks from there on. We've come a LONG WAY since, but after 2yrs, I have to say that I am so scared that it is hard to embrace her being with me and caring for me and her remorse. We have a good weekend and then I end up messing it up by triggering.

I'm having a hard time letting my feelings rap around her. I'm having a hard time with triggers. I'm having a hard time letting go of the mind movies.

I don't even know why I'm telling you guys this anyway. I guess I just need to vent. This is affair month. Happens to be our anniversary and mother's day too. Talk about not wanting to celebrate ANYTHING!

sisoon posted 5/1/2014 15:30 PM

Hey, bro, if you trigger, you trigger. It's not messing up - a trigger is an involuntary thing that you can't control, and they seem to be a lot more common around antiversaries than normal times. (Imagine that....)

Two years out - some people recover this fast, but the recovery path has to be perfect for that to happen, IMO.

A hug, if it will help - (((2m2q)))

tushnurse posted 5/1/2014 16:14 PM

We have a good weekend and then I end up messing it up by triggering

UM NO. YOU messed up nothing. Why did you trigger? Because your wife cheated. She messed things up. Don't bear the blame, it helps no one. A remorseful spouse knows this, and will help you through.

You don't want to celebrate, then don't. Tell her, don't expect me to make a big deal about our Anniversary it hurts too much still. It means nothing anymore, whatever you are feeling. Mothers day you kind of have to play along on that one, but remember its a day to honor your mom, and for the kids to honor your wife. You have no part in honoring her. Let them pick out the gifts. You just pay for them.

((((and strength))))

OnAnIsland posted 5/1/2014 16:28 PM

what tushnurse and sisoon said. you didn't mess up anything by triggering. you can not help that. you shouldn't try to cover that. you need to feel it and get it out of your system. thinking about you and sending you some peace. you don't have to celebrate anything this month.

Daisy312 posted 5/1/2014 17:36 PM

I just passed our two year mark! It was a tough month, but please dont feel sorry for your feelings! You deal with it however you need to! Hang in there!

Teach8 posted 5/1/2014 18:20 PM

(((2m2q)))
Antiversaries suck. I just had my 2 year of dday this past Saturday. I relived every horrible moment of the day. I couldn't stop myself no matter how hard I tried. I'm already feeling better but I know I will spiral again in July and August for those ddays too. Don't be too hard on yourself. We can get through it.

2married2quit posted 5/2/2014 10:51 AM

Thanks guys. Some real valuable advice and kind words. I appreciate that. I'm trying not to trigger but it's inevitable.

R has only been since December really so triggering 2yrs out is not inconceivable. Just seems that FWW can put it behind her better than I can. Honestly, I'm kinda still in limbo deep down inside. How can the love of my life, my wife, my lover, my best friend, the person I live with do this to me? It's a question I ask myself EVERY SINGLE DAY.

99lawdog99 posted 5/2/2014 11:00 AM

How can the love of my life, my wife, my lover, my best friend, the person I live with do this to me? It's a question I ask myself EVERY SINGLE DAY
.

2married2quit, A really close friend of mine and my wife's told me something when we were talking about what my wife did and what was bothering me. She basically said,

" you may never get the answers to why she did what she did and there is nothing you can ever do about it. Don't worry about things you cannot explain"

Those words hung out there like in a ballon. I realized nothing I can do can get me all the answers I want so I have to accept things as they are and move on. Whether I stay with her or leave her, I'll never get all the answers so why bother. I've decide to stay, so nothing will change what I want.

Searchingforhope posted 5/2/2014 11:17 AM

((2m2q))

Just rounding the 2 year mark myself..

How can the love of my life, my wife, my lover, my best friend, the person I live with do this to me? It's a question I ask myself EVERY SINGLE DAY.

When I have asked my H this question..and I have many times ...he says it wasn't about me at all. It had nothing to do with me. It was all about him getting his selfish ego stroked.

I think I'm finally HEARING that, but it's taken some time for it to really sink in.

I hope that helps you in some small way.

2married2quit posted 5/2/2014 12:11 PM

Searchingforhope - yes, she says the same to me.

As much as I move on, forget about it, or try to ignore it, it comes back. Always.

5454real posted 5/2/2014 12:13 PM

hey brother not all that far ahead of you.

quick thought. quit trying to suppress the triggers. feel them, I mean really feel them. I would fully expect your wife to help you deal with the emotions. there's a saying that runs around here from time to time. you can't heal what you don't feel.

let it out, deal with it. move on to the next to trigger. if she is truly with you, she will help you through each and every step.

sending strength.

2married2quit posted 5/2/2014 12:23 PM

5454real - Thank you.

She's kind and understands somewhat. What ends up happening is that it triggers her guilt and shame and we end up in this vicious circle. That's why I suppress it sometimes. Gets in the way of progress.

2married2quit posted 5/9/2014 12:10 PM

Doing good so far, but when I look at the calendar I get reminded of these days 2yrs ago. I was oblivious to what was happening, but soon after the shock of my life came. I'll never be the same.

Rebreather posted 5/9/2014 12:13 PM

Every time you suppress a trigger, the progress you are suppressing his her healing and growth. Why would you do that? She needs to feel that guilt and shame, so she can find a way out of it.

You may be two years out from discovery, but you are not two years into healing from the last hurt.

deena04 posted 5/9/2014 12:44 PM

You didn't mess up by triggering. You trigger because it's a horrific, traumatic thing that happened to you. I hope it gets better for you.

rachelc posted 5/9/2014 13:02 PM

it triggers her guilt and shame and we end up in this vicious circle.

two years later it's still all about her? She needs to move out of the shame so she can help you heal and be there to listen to you. Shame is very selfish. Does she understand that?

2married2quit posted 5/9/2014 13:37 PM

two years later it's still all about her? She needs to move out of the shame so she can help you heal and be there to listen to you. Shame is very selfish. Does she understand that?

We've made lots of progress. Didn't wanna get in the way of it, but yeah, I will be more expressive. I hate it though.

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