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papers awaaayyyyyy....

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Klove posted 5/1/2014 17:10 PM

I just checked over the interim separation agreement with my L and they are off to stbxwh L tonight.
Cue Shit. Hitting Fan.

Although stbxwh knows I am not supporting 50/50 custody because I think it's too much shuffling, I don't think he quite graps (a) what I'm going to be fighting for (EOW 1 middle of the week overnight on his non-week) and (b) THAT I'm still "fighting" and moving forward.

When he came to me proclaiming to have changed and might be wanting to reverse this decision, I told him he had a year to prove real change and I *might* consider it. We have to wait a year post separation for D to become final where we live. Meanwhile, I told him, I was moving on with the process regardless of the outcome...I'm not entirely sure he thought I was serious about that.

I'm really worried about the shit that's going to fly when he hears from his lawyer possibly tomorrow. And I guess I'm scared of facing this battle. Before the battle was theoretical. Talked about with my L. Drafted. Now it's actually out there happening and that is SCARYYYYY. Because what if I lose? It will be my children losing and that prospect really frightens me.

I will do my best for them.

sadcountryboy posted 5/1/2014 17:28 PM

Good for you. Mine got sent out to WW yesterday. I'm in NC so we also have to wait a year. And yeah I believe the shit is about to hit the fan too. Good Luck!!

Nature_Girl posted 5/1/2014 18:21 PM

Girl, there are plenty of fierce Mama & Papa Bears here who have gone through hell & back to protect their kids. We got your back!

justinpaintoday posted 5/1/2014 18:45 PM

Good luck with the fury but you acted in the best interest of the kids. You did the right thing for them and for you. Good for you.

badmedicine posted 5/1/2014 22:11 PM

I completely understand about the fantasy vs. reality on the papers. It's scary. But I'm so proud of you for standing by your word. Show him you mean it. Don't take it back unless he proves himself and be ready to push forward again. Good for you!!

one2ndchance posted 5/1/2014 22:48 PM

You know your STBXWH best. If you think he's going to fight, then put on your armor...but let your lawyer be your champion. Don't let you STBX draw you personally into arguments about custody.

Klove posted 5/3/2014 07:35 AM

I'm going to be really honest here. 2x4 me...
I'm primarily scared of the custody.
But also a teeny bit dreading his anger. Right now he is all weepy "take me back" hoovery. Deep down, I suspect that not to be real and when he gets those papers he'll go back to angry. I've enjoyed the sad hoovering. Is that pathetic?

One of the things my lawyer has demanded is copies of cc statements to figure out our family expenses etc. He cancelled my joint card back in March and always had control of statements, online passwords anyway. There have been two times in the last few months we've been physically separated that I wondered/suspected if he was away with her. Early on When I asked for visa statements he said "I'll get you a print out of your card, my purchases are none of your business."
Now I'm going to get those statements (unbeknownst to him yet) and if he was with her it will likely show there.

When the hoovering started, I (foolishly) asked if he had seen her since we separated. He said no.

I don't know why I care, but I don't want to see another lie. I don't want to be sad/mad about his lies anymore. I want to believe that this hoovering isn't hoovering at all but is real and genuine- even though my head and gut tells me it's NOT. My heart still wants to believe. Even if I don't really want him back, my ego needs the kibble.

Ok. 2x4 me.

Abbondad posted 5/3/2014 11:50 AM

My heart still wants to believe. Even if I don't really want him back, my ego needs the kibble.

No 2x4 from me--just understanding. I just had a face-to-face kid exchange with my X for the first time in a long time, and I literally had to walk away as I felt myself starting to cry. I longed for her to fall on her knees and say and do all the right things. This is after two years of abominable emotional abuse before, during and likely after the divorce.

The attachment is deep as is the trauma if what we have been through. Our ego and everything else have been terribly wounded. It would not be natural (in my opinion) if we did not--even through our logic and our anger--still desire them for a long while after everything has concluded. We loved them. Our love was deep and real.

I am recovering right now from five minutes in her physical presence. The pull is powerful. But I am now running down a list if emotional atrocities she has committed, as I'm sure your STBX has as well. It's an inner battle. But it takes time--way too much--but it will subside. Be strong and gentle with yourself.

SBB posted 5/3/2014 18:17 PM

^^ what he said. If you know anything of ADs story you'll understand how astonishing this phenomena is.

Deep down, I suspect that not to be real and when he gets those papers he'll go back to angry.

This was what happened to me. I stayed the course and was so strong and focused on the road towards S/D but it was all in the hopes that it would wake him the fuck up. I'm lucky in that it didn't take long for his facade to fall. It was still shocking and disappointing when it did - it negated everything I had pinned my hopes on all through the 3m of False R. I realised it was all a lie. All of it. And I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

The agony was indescribable. Not just for what he had done to me but also what I had done to myself. I never want to feel even a fraction of that pain ever again.

But it is what finally set me free in the end.

You won't see it for a while but someday you'll be grateful for his complete lack of remorse - I now see it as a gift. I fast forwarded a process that might have been dragged out over a years long False R instead had he feigned remorse for a little longer. I would still be in False R now on my way to a DD#2, 3, 4 and wasting many more precious years being lied to, cheated on, gas lighted, disrespected and emotionally abused. That thought always makes me quake in my boots.

There's nothing stopping him from doing the work whether or not you offer the gift of R.

He lost the privilege of being taken on his word a long time ago. Ignore his words - watch his actions. There is no venom in true remorse - whether in R or S/D. Remember this when things get nasty.

Stay strong Klove - you don't need 2x4s, you need to remember what your eyes have seen, not what your heart wants to see.

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