I have been feeling nervous lately...not sure why. Nothing specific. H had a family funeral to attend today (yes in the old playing field before we moved)and I could not/didn't want to go. Distant relative so attendance wasn't expected from my part.
I got home early and decided to look at his computer. Nothing specific, but a few things that have my radar on high alert. Pre A, we would talk about people that turned us on...I think it helped to lead down the path we are in. Today, in the browser, I find he searched for one of the women on his list. I also find a linkdin reference to her name. He has told me that he didn't have a linkdin account (used to but deleted it), only to find he has been logging into it. I also find his classmate log in, a gmail log in. The passwords he has given me do not work. I am waiting for him to get home and he is going to open every account for me.
In the past, I was scared for him to know i looked. I would worm a way for him to open so I could look without him already knowing I looked previously. This time...I DO NOT CARE. If we D...so what. I am tired of the ups and downs. It is exhausting.
I hope there is nothing to be found when he gets home...but who knows anymore. He ACTS remorseful.....if his actions are true, I believe him. However, I have believed him too many times before. Cheaters are liars. I worry about his feelings some...then I say screw that....I hate being this person.....I used to like the old me. I do not like the new me very much.....
Please send support while I have this conversation. I know many would say go on stealth mode....cant do that. I am too transparent when I hurt. I make the $$....not worried about caring for myself. I waited the first time to get the courage up for 4 months....not waiting another night to discuss.