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Nervous-vent

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brkn_heartd posted 5/1/2014 19:12 PM

I have been feeling nervous lately...not sure why. Nothing specific. H had a family funeral to attend today (yes in the old playing field before we moved)and I could not/didn't want to go. Distant relative so attendance wasn't expected from my part.

I got home early and decided to look at his computer. Nothing specific, but a few things that have my radar on high alert. Pre A, we would talk about people that turned us on...I think it helped to lead down the path we are in. Today, in the browser, I find he searched for one of the women on his list. I also find a linkdin reference to her name. He has told me that he didn't have a linkdin account (used to but deleted it), only to find he has been logging into it. I also find his classmate log in, a gmail log in. The passwords he has given me do not work. I am waiting for him to get home and he is going to open every account for me.

In the past, I was scared for him to know i looked. I would worm a way for him to open so I could look without him already knowing I looked previously. This time...I DO NOT CARE. If we D...so what. I am tired of the ups and downs. It is exhausting.

I hope there is nothing to be found when he gets home...but who knows anymore. He ACTS remorseful.....if his actions are true, I believe him. However, I have believed him too many times before. Cheaters are liars. I worry about his feelings some...then I say screw that....I hate being this person.....I used to like the old me. I do not like the new me very much.....

Please send support while I have this conversation. I know many would say go on stealth mode....cant do that. I am too transparent when I hurt. I make the $$....not worried about caring for myself. I waited the first time to get the courage up for 4 months....not waiting another night to discuss.

phoenix2015 posted 5/1/2014 19:26 PM

(((Broken)))
If I had seen what you saw on the computer I would be nervous too....specifically because he is looking at sites you thought he no longer used, passwords did not work and he is checking out another woman!
You have every RIGHT to feel this way.
Sending prayers your way....

sunvalley posted 5/1/2014 21:24 PM

Thinking of you. You may not like the new you (I dont like the new me either) but the new you sounds strong and able to tackle this head on. I hope that he is forthcoming with what you need tonight. Im transparent as well, dont be hard on yourself for it, why waste any further time holding it in and wondering? Im sure the first time around was hard enough. Good luck, sending support!

Gotmegood posted 5/1/2014 21:32 PM

Look at this way...you have to confront. You have to know. You are stronger now it appears, thank goodness. Good vibes from me to you.

mchercheur posted 5/1/2014 21:47 PM

You are very strong.

You are not hesitating to confront him.

I used to be afraid for WH to see me on this site. He said that it was a bad influence, caused me to dwell on the past.
I told him it was the only comfort I had.
I have gotten stronger, & now, I don't hide it when I go on here. Let him see me.

I am not afraid to confront him.

What you have just found has to be addressed immediately.
Good luck. I hope everything works out for the best for all involved.

NoMorDeceit posted 5/1/2014 22:04 PM

Strength to you tonight.

You are doing the right thing.

I hope it was nothing.

Breezy150 posted 5/1/2014 22:58 PM

Sending strength.

Branca posted 5/2/2014 10:33 AM

Crossing fingers for you that things go as 'well' as they can go. You're doing the right thing.

brkn_heartd posted 5/2/2014 19:34 PM

We had our conversation last night. I told him I had been nervous lately and didn't know why. As a result I looked at his computer. I gave him the opportunity to tell me anything I should know before I asked questions that concerned me. He said no...he didn't think he had been anywhere he shouldn't be. Then he said..let me rephrase...I KNOW I have not been any where I shouldn't be.

I asked him about searching for the individual previously mentioned. Be acknowledged he did. He said I really don't know why. I just did. We talked for a while about it...he knew I was upset.

We went through each account. The passwords had one small variance which he had told me in the past. Occasionally needs a symbol at website. Everything checked out. The linkedin account he has tried to cancel ans been unsuccessful. We tried together.

He was hurt but very supportive. He also told me many times he brought this on himself. We were both emotional.He told me he thought I was going to ask for a D and throw him away.

Then he told he he has to run out to his truck and get something to show me because he has not been totally truthful about what he had done that day. But told me not to worry...it wasn't bad (he told me that 3 times). He came back with an early wrapped birthday gift. He has to go one town over from where he was to get it. The label on the package showed where it was from. Then I felt like a jerk and cried some more! I put the package up and will wait till my birthday to open. He was wonderful. I did clearly lay boundaries about searching for people. Thank you everyone for the support.

brkn_heartd posted 5/2/2014 19:42 PM

We had our conversation last night. I told him I had been nervous lately and didn't know why. As a result I looked at his computer. I gave him the opportunity to tell me anything I should know before I asked questions that concerned me. He said no...he didn't think he had been anywhere he shouldn't be. Then he said..let me rephrase...I KNOW I have not been any where I shouldn't be.

I asked him about searching for the individual previously mentioned. Be acknowledged he did. He said I really don't know why. I just did. We talked for a while about it...he knew I was upset.

We went through each account. The passwords had one small variance which he had told me in the past. Occasionally needs a symbol at website. Everything checked out. The linkedin account he has tried to cancel ans been unsuccessful. We tried together.

He was hurt but very supportive. He also told me many times he brought this on himself. We were both emotional.He told me he thought I was going to ask for a D and throw him away.

Then he told he he has to run out to his truck and get something to show me because he has not been totally truthful about what he had done that day. But told me not to worry...it wasn't bad (he told me that 3 times). He came back with an early wrapped birthday gift. He has to go one town over from where he was to get it. The label on the package showed where it was from. Then I felt like a jerk and cried some more! I put the package up and will wait till my birthday to open. He was wonderful. I did clearly lay boundaries about searching for people. Thank you everyone for the support.

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