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hurting mom posted 5/1/2014 19:13 PM

About a month ago, my WS dropped Dday #2 on me...after an 8 year (false?) reconciliation. I just found out he filed for divorce. (Get this - I got two advertisements for divorce attorneys in the mail, saying that I may need representation, since someone has filed a motion against me. Hell of a way to find out!) No counselling, no separation, just barrelling toward the worst decision of his life. This will almost certainly be the worst thing my kids go through in childhood.

I'm just shaking uncontrollably now. I am going to have to tell my parents, his mom, our kids.

Why so fast? Is it so he doesn't lose his nerve? Does he have no empathy for me at all? Doesn't he love his kids enough to try to keep their family together? He is such a great dad otherwise.

I feel like I have been thrown away like a used tissue.

kiki1 posted 5/1/2014 19:19 PM

oh hurting mom,

im so sorry.

wish i could say something comforting to you.

please just take care of you and the kids right now. thats all that matters.

sending you hugs,,,,

yearsofpain25 posted 5/1/2014 19:21 PM

(((hurting mom)))

That is a very cruel way to find out. I'm very sorry you are going through this right now. Clearly he has no empathy for you.

I can see you have been here on SI for a very long time. That's too long a time to get hit with something like this. I feel for you hm.

As for the kids, yes they will be hurt too. But you can help control and minimize that.

I'm very sorry hm. We are here for you.


krsplat posted 5/1/2014 19:34 PM

I'm so sorry, HMom. What a terrible thing to do to you and to his children. I know that feeling of having been tossed like garbage. I think many of us do. Please remember that you are NOT trash, but a treasure, and that he is an ass for walking away.

I trust that your family, and probably his, will support you once you work up the courage to tell them. Your kids will struggle for a while, no doubt, but they will recover and so will you.

Wishing you peace and strength tonight.

JustOneMoreDay posted 5/1/2014 21:40 PM

WTF. What a cruel, cruel asshole. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than this.

Breezy150 posted 5/1/2014 21:47 PM

(((Hurting mom))) I can't believe how cruel this is to you. It makes me hurt for you and I am furious with him. I am so sorry.

mchercheur posted 5/1/2014 21:57 PM

Does he have no empathy for me at all? Doesn't he love his kids enough to try to keep their family together? He is such a great dad otherwise.

No, no, & no he is not.

He is showing you who he is. Believe him.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Sending you strength.
(((hurting mom)))

nolight posted 5/1/2014 23:53 PM

How heartbreaking, I'm so sorry. I wish I had wise words of comfort for you, but there are men and women here with wiser words then mine and I have no doubt they will be along shortly. I hope you have a good support network to help you through this.

Guinness23 posted 5/2/2014 08:15 AM

Hell of a way to find out!

OMG!! I am so sorry for you, sweetie! You have been here for awhile so this isn't your first rodeo. He probably NEVER IMAGINED the divorce lawyers or whoever would alert you for your business like...yesterday. He is too busy getting HIS affairs in order before you get served.

We all feel like a used tissue. People who can do this HAVE NO empathy. The startling thing is that he's doing this now after all this time KNOWING that he cheated before.

It's hard...but let him go. He is a cancer in your life and your kids.

norabird posted 5/2/2014 08:26 AM


I'm so sorry. Of course you feel discarded. But his throwing you away has NO bearing on your worth. His actions can't change that you deserve more even if they signal that, sadly, he is not the person who can give you what you do deserve.

As much as I understand your wondering about why he's done this, and what it means, try as best you can not to obsess about him and his motives and his mindset. Bring your focus to you and your kids where it belongs. Be good to yourself. Muster up your army. Know that you will get through this and one day, it will just be part of your past that made you stronger.

[This message edited by norabird at 1:51 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]

hurting mom posted 5/2/2014 09:32 AM

Thank you all for your comforting words. They made me cry, but that's just what I needed.

Kind of funny. I got lost on my way to work today . I've worked at this job for 13 years.

doggiediva posted 5/2/2014 09:57 AM

Ohh, What a horrible way to find out..Weird too..I thought filing and counter filing legal actions including D was more protected confidentiality wise..
But I know the feeling..When you get hit with a massive shock it messes with your concentration and attention span for doing anything and everything, even those things that came as second nature before..
Anything unusual happen with your living situation or finances in the span of these eight years? If your WH handled and organized the monthly bills and taxes it is possible that he was skimming money for himself for his exit plan... Meaning that his filing for D wasn't impulsive it was planned..

I hope you get a L yesterday...Thru the L pull your WH's credit history, find out what your WH has done with marital assets (if anything) and find out what is going on with his motion for D...Do this in stealth mode..


Be prepared that more similar mail can arrive if YOU file...
Maybe you can put in a request somewhere along the way that NOTHING pertaining to what you do legally gets advertised and mailed out..

Protect yourself..


[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:15 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]

doin just fine posted 5/2/2014 10:06 AM

Hi HM. I remember you from years ago. I'm in the same boat, though it is me that is pursuing the divorce. Nevertheless, it feels like dday all over again. Panic, mood swings, confusion. I'm so sorry.

tushnurse posted 5/2/2014 10:12 AM

I'm gonna play polyanna here, and give you all the reasons you should celebrate.

1. He has shown you who he really is, and now he has confirmed that it's nothing to do with you, and he has made it clear he doesn't want to change.
That's pretty awesome really. He is giving you the out. You deserve more, and at least he is allowing you to have it.

2. You get to start fresh, and have your life focus on you, and your kids. That is just awesome. You no longer have to pretend all is well. Your parents, your family, your friends, you will be amazed at the love and support that comes flowing to you. this is not your secret to bear, and certainly is not because of you. That will be obvious to those you love.

3. You have a whole life in front of you. Take the time to figure out who you are now, and enjoy it. Life from this point will begin for you.

He has shown you who he is, believe him. I do have to disagree on the statement that he is a great dad. A great dad would at least have the balls and common sense to sit down with you and tell you what he is doing so you both can share it with the kids. A good dad would put their needs ahead of his wants and wills. He has never done this.

We are here for you. We will support you, and you will be amazed at how wonderful it will feel to have this constant worry, concern, and anxiety gone.

((((and strength))))

shiloe posted 5/2/2014 10:18 AM

I am so, so sorry this has happened to you.
I bet he has a AP he has been messing with.

Happen to me too (10 yr false R). Keep posting here. Do 180.

I too feel thrown away like a used tissue after 26 yrs.

I will get back to you, my son has prom today and I need to help him get ready.

Skan posted 5/2/2014 10:55 AM

It's a horrible way to find out. It really is. The upside of this punch to the gut is that you now KNOW what his intentions are, and you can proceed with that knowledge to guide you.

This is not your WH anymore. This is your foe. He struck the first blow in this war, but what counts is the final outcome. So make darned sure that you get yourself a lawyer who will fight for what you deserve.

Take this weekend to regroup and to figure out exactly, what you must have from this divorce (custody, child support, etc.), and what you would like to have, and what you can use as bargaining chips. Ask for everything upfront. Absolutely everything. That gives you a place to negotiate. And while you may be enraged at what he 'offers" you, remember, your lawyer will tell you what you're legally entitled to, so keep that firmly in mind and don't allow yourself to be thrown by what's likely to be his penny-ante tactics. As I'm sure that you know, there is a wonderful group in the Separation and Divorce forum. Please do go down there and introduce yourself if you haven't already.

And hard as it will be, I'd use this weekend to contact all of your and his family, as well as friends, and out him. He's made his bed, at least make sure that the dirty sheets have his name written on them vice letting him write yours on them.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm hoping that this is, however, the beginning of the end of that pain. (((hugs)))

Branca posted 5/2/2014 13:50 PM

(((hurting mom)))

You have received excellent advice here. Just saying I'm another person thinking of you and sending you love and 'be strong' vibes. You can do this!

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/2/2014 15:18 PM

I'm keeping good thoughts for you for peace of mind, body and spirit. I'm so sorry for your heartbreak.

Ailanthus posted 5/2/2014 16:14 PM

I too am thinking of you and praying for you. That is a terrible, heartless way to find out. Please take care of yourself.

betrayedpregnant posted 5/2/2014 21:42 PM

it seems like you didn't see this coming at all. I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm praying for strength and comfort for you and your family.

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