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Newest Member: RoreverBlue (61146)

User Topic: he filed for divorce
hurting mom
♀ 12869
Member # 12869
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About a month ago, my WS dropped Dday #2 on me...after an 8 year (false?) reconciliation. I just found out he filed for divorce. (Get this - I got two advertisements for divorce attorneys in the mail, saying that I may need representation, since someone has filed a motion against me. Hell of a way to find out!) No counselling, no separation, just barrelling toward the worst decision of his life. This will almost certainly be the worst thing my kids go through in childhood.

I'm just shaking uncontrollably now. I am going to have to tell my parents, his mom, our kids.

Why so fast? Is it so he doesn't lose his nerve? Does he have no empathy for me at all? Doesn't he love his kids enough to try to keep their family together? He is such a great dad otherwise.

I feel like I have been thrown away like a used tissue.

Posts: 51 | Registered: Dec 2006
♀ 37184
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh hurting mom,

im so sorry.

wish i could say something comforting to you.

please just take care of you and the kids right now. thats all that matters.

sending you hugs,,,,

Posts: 987 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
♂ 42012
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hurting mom)))

That is a very cruel way to find out. I'm very sorry you are going through this right now. Clearly he has no empathy for you.

I can see you have been here on SI for a very long time. That's too long a time to get hit with something like this. I feel for you hm.

As for the kids, yes they will be hurt too. But you can help control and minimize that.

I'm very sorry hm. We are here for you.


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 4476 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
♀ 43242
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, HMom. What a terrible thing to do to you and to his children. I know that feeling of having been tossed like garbage. I think many of us do. Please remember that you are NOT trash, but a treasure, and that he is an ass for walking away.

I trust that your family, and probably his, will support you once you work up the courage to tell them. Your kids will struggle for a while, no doubt, but they will recover and so will you.

Wishing you peace and strength tonight.

Me & WH: 50, married 20+ years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Conclusion: Some things are too broken to be fixed.

Posts: 778 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
♀ 42945
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTF. What a cruel, cruel asshole. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than this.

Me -BS 41
Him-WS 41
Too many Ddays to count

Posts: 265 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 42421
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hurting mom))) I can't believe how cruel this is to you. It makes me hurt for you and I am furious with him. I am so sorry.

I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo

Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does he have no empathy for me at all? Doesn't he love his kids enough to try to keep their family together? He is such a great dad otherwise.

No, no, & no he is not.

He is showing you who he is. Believe him.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Sending you strength.
(((hurting mom)))

Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011
Married 27+ years/Together 28+ years/4 kids together
OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids
Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 32785
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How heartbreaking, I'm so sorry. I wish I had wise words of comfort for you, but there are men and women here with wiser words then mine and I have no doubt they will be along shortly. I hope you have a good support network to help you through this.

We make our own fortunes and call them fate, and what better excuse to choose a path then to insist it's our destiny.

Posts: 610 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ 42852
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell of a way to find out!

OMG!! I am so sorry for you, sweetie! You have been here for awhile so this isn't your first rodeo. He probably NEVER IMAGINED the divorce lawyers or whoever would alert you for your business like...yesterday. He is too busy getting HIS affairs in order before you get served.

We all feel like a used tissue. People who can do this HAVE NO empathy. The startling thing is that he's doing this now after all this time KNOWING that he cheated before.

It's hard...but let him go. He is a cancer in your life and your kids.

Me 48
Divorced 2010

1."'FOREVER' in love" lasts only 14 years.
2. Alcohol is NO solution just a bigger problem

My favorite drink is water. Call me Dasani23

Posts: 3212 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm so sorry. Of course you feel discarded. But his throwing you away has NO bearing on your worth. His actions can't change that you deserve more even if they signal that, sadly, he is not the person who can give you what you do deserve.

As much as I understand your wondering about why he's done this, and what it means, try as best you can not to obsess about him and his motives and his mindset. Bring your focus to you and your kids where it belongs. Be good to yourself. Muster up your army. Know that you will get through this and one day, it will just be part of your past that made you stronger.

[This message edited by norabird at 1:51 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
hurting mom
♀ 12869
Member # 12869
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your comforting words. They made me cry, but that's just what I needed.

Kind of funny. I got lost on my way to work today . I've worked at this job for 13 years.

Posts: 51 | Registered: Dec 2006
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohh, What a horrible way to find out..Weird too..I thought filing and counter filing legal actions including D was more protected confidentiality wise..
But I know the feeling..When you get hit with a massive shock it messes with your concentration and attention span for doing anything and everything, even those things that came as second nature before..
Anything unusual happen with your living situation or finances in the span of these eight years? If your WH handled and organized the monthly bills and taxes it is possible that he was skimming money for himself for his exit plan... Meaning that his filing for D wasn't impulsive it was planned..

I hope you get a L yesterday...Thru the L pull your WH's credit history, find out what your WH has done with marital assets (if anything) and find out what is going on with his motion for D...Do this in stealth mode..


Be prepared that more similar mail can arrive if YOU file...
Maybe you can put in a request somewhere along the way that NOTHING pertaining to what you do legally gets advertised and mailed out..

Protect yourself..


[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:15 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

60 years young..

Posts: 3929 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Texas
doin just fine
♂ 10041
Member # 10041
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi HM. I remember you from years ago. I'm in the same boat, though it is me that is pursuing the divorce. Nevertheless, it feels like dday all over again. Panic, mood swings, confusion. I'm so sorry.

Posts: 486 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm gonna play polyanna here, and give you all the reasons you should celebrate.

1. He has shown you who he really is, and now he has confirmed that it's nothing to do with you, and he has made it clear he doesn't want to change.
That's pretty awesome really. He is giving you the out. You deserve more, and at least he is allowing you to have it.

2. You get to start fresh, and have your life focus on you, and your kids. That is just awesome. You no longer have to pretend all is well. Your parents, your family, your friends, you will be amazed at the love and support that comes flowing to you. this is not your secret to bear, and certainly is not because of you. That will be obvious to those you love.

3. You have a whole life in front of you. Take the time to figure out who you are now, and enjoy it. Life from this point will begin for you.

He has shown you who he is, believe him. I do have to disagree on the statement that he is a great dad. A great dad would at least have the balls and common sense to sit down with you and tell you what he is doing so you both can share it with the kids. A good dad would put their needs ahead of his wants and wills. He has never done this.

We are here for you. We will support you, and you will be amazed at how wonderful it will feel to have this constant worry, concern, and anxiety gone.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13180 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 1224
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so, so sorry this has happened to you.
I bet he has a AP he has been messing with.

Happen to me too (10 yr false R). Keep posting here. Do 180.

I too feel thrown away like a used tissue after 26 yrs.

I will get back to you, my son has prom today and I need to help him get ready.

But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 58 Dday 03/2011
Cheater -58 Married 26 yrs
DD - 23 DD -21 DS-19
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA- another married ho-worker- D

Posts: 1439 | Registered: Mar 2003
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a horrible way to find out. It really is. The upside of this punch to the gut is that you now KNOW what his intentions are, and you can proceed with that knowledge to guide you.

This is not your WH anymore. This is your foe. He struck the first blow in this war, but what counts is the final outcome. So make darned sure that you get yourself a lawyer who will fight for what you deserve.

Take this weekend to regroup and to figure out exactly, what you must have from this divorce (custody, child support, etc.), and what you would like to have, and what you can use as bargaining chips. Ask for everything upfront. Absolutely everything. That gives you a place to negotiate. And while you may be enraged at what he 'offers" you, remember, your lawyer will tell you what you're legally entitled to, so keep that firmly in mind and don't allow yourself to be thrown by what's likely to be his penny-ante tactics. As I'm sure that you know, there is a wonderful group in the Separation and Divorce forum. Please do go down there and introduce yourself if you haven't already.

And hard as it will be, I'd use this weekend to contact all of your and his family, as well as friends, and out him. He's made his bed, at least make sure that the dirty sheets have his name written on them vice letting him write yours on them.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm hoping that this is, however, the beginning of the end of that pain. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9933 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 42837
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hurting mom)))

You have received excellent advice here. Just saying I'm another person thinking of you and sending you love and 'be strong' vibes. You can do this!

Me: BW, 39
Him: WH, 39
Married 15 years
2 children aged 11 and 8

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - A lack of boundaries for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm keeping good thoughts for you for peace of mind, body and spirit. I'm so sorry for your heartbreak.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
♀ 42911
Member # 42911
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am thinking of you and praying for you. That is a terrible, heartless way to find out. Please take care of yourself.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Appalachia
♀ 43304
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it seems like you didn't see this coming at all. I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm praying for strength and comfort for you and your family.

Posts: 358 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
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