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How to cope knowing WS involved

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Acer0112 posted 5/1/2014 21:44 PM

The A was secret, I didn't have a clue it was going on.

Now that we are separated, WS said he wouldn't say no to dating. Well, he reconnected with OP immediately. He thinks he changed all his passwords again, but I can see cell records. He talks and texts her all day. Not sure how he gets any work done. And what can two people talk about for hours on end. Ugh.

How do I cope knowing he is talking to her all the time? He knows I know he's has seen her and talked with her. He claims they are friends, but we are all adults here. It's so disrespectful. He is civil and nice when around kids and I, then drives off and calls her first thing. I don't think he misses anything about what we had.

Yes, we are moving to D. Yes, we are done. But we are still technically married. We haven't even hired a mediator yet. I am still processing the grief, the loss, the pain. I still love him, that doesn't shut off right away even though the hurt and pain I feel. I know he's not the same person I thought I knew just a few months ago. I do deserve better. I'm trying to think all the right things, but I'm so sad. How can he brush me aside and move on without trying to see if he could connect with me again? I can't compete with new and exciting. I feel rejected for being me. I wasn't the right one anymore, wow, that hurts.

Harriet posted 5/1/2014 22:04 PM


I know how you feel. My ex was dating (one of) his OW while we were separated. I could see the phone records, too, and saw how much they called and texted, etc. I wish I had been strong enough not to look, because it hurt so much. He would be so nice to me, then I would look at the records and find out he was also texting her at the same time! And he would text just before leaving or right after, and you know he was saying, "I'm on my way!"

Our divorce will have been final 2 years this June. It does get better. A lot better. I would highly recommend you block yourself from seeing his personal info. I still haven't completely, and I can promise you it has made moving on take a whole lot longer. It is so so hard, I know how hard it is 0 I hope you can be stronger than I am. I know the feeling of rejection, of not being enough. The negative self talk seeps in even though you know it's him, it's not about you.

Please try to remember that you are the honest and loving person here. You are the prize. She is a cheater and a home wrecker, and especially when children are involved it shows how low they both are.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm a few miles ahead of you, but you aren't walking a road alone.

Kajem posted 5/1/2014 22:04 PM

This is happening very fast for you.

She is shiny and new, he can't see that she's broken. You are worthy of so much more than he is capable of giving.

Hugs, sweetie, keep posting we're here for you and your littles.


Nature_Girl posted 5/1/2014 22:06 PM

You have to block him and stop pain shopping. Don't look. Don't research. He's a cheating liar. Nothing about that is going to change.

one2ndchance posted 5/1/2014 22:16 PM

I told my WS if he was going to continue to see her while we were still married, then he could find someplace else to live.

This is so unfair to you. Why should he have the privilege of living with his wife and family while he is cheating? All the excuses of we're still trying to figure out finances and the kids and hiring a mediator is bs.

I had no access to money after my first d-day, so I took one of our joint credit cards, went to a lawyer, paid him a retainer with the cc, and told him to draw up the papers to serve STBX.

Your WH is cake eating. He's got his family and he's got the OP. How do you cope with it?....You don't. I sure as h*ll didn't.

SBB posted 5/1/2014 22:23 PM

Gently, don't expect in S/D what you didn't get in your M. He was dating during my M so why was I surprised when he was dating in S? Because I was still holding on to who I thought he was and ignoring what he was showing me.

I'm with NG - stop the pain shopping. You're hoping to see something that either gives you hope or the strength to let go.

You'll get neither. Just more pain.

There are no shortcuts, I've looked far and wide. There are no magic things you can say or do to get him to wake up and be the man you thought he was.

He is gone. Long gone. Stop focussing on him and what he's doing and start focussing on you and what you're doing. I know it's scary and I know you don't want to. But you have to.

Acer0112 posted 5/1/2014 22:50 PM

Thanks all! I know, I am "pain shopping", I think it will make me push him away easier because it validates how long gone he is. Who can do this otherwise?

He does not live in our house, he is at sisters. He has crashed in guest room on a few occasions when we have a late event with kids, etc. But we have had no physical relationship except for a hug of sorry here and there since end of March. So I think the 'cake' is no longer, except for having the house on his visitation times.

Thank you thank you for the encouraging words - and yes, I know I have to stop looking. I did lose viewing of his personal CC, thank goodness for that - he did a biz trip to her town last week and I really don't want to know what fun they sad...

Caretaker1 posted 5/1/2014 23:33 PM

It is just amazing to me how they all seem to follow the same script.

Pray we get kindness, patience and love again. These folks we love or loved are effed up. Water seeks it's own level.

Lola2kids posted 5/2/2014 06:53 AM

I was the same. Looking at phone records and credit card statements. I was photocopying any receipts I found and emails I intercepted.
It did help to harden my heart against him.
Every hurt killed my love little by little.
I wanted to know.
At some point it was enough. I didn't want to be hurt anymore.

You will find a time when it's enough.
It takes a lot of effort to snoop and it takes a lot of effort to find the strenght to stop.

Hugs to you.

nekorb posted 5/2/2014 07:04 AM

Exact same thing going on here.
After awhile, I had to force myself to REALLY look at what was going on. This was not the man I married anymore. He is gone and this other person is in his place.

180. Detach. And everything else everyone above me said.

suckstobeme posted 5/2/2014 07:22 AM

I'm so sorry. I know how it feels to be brushed aside and replaced. I know how sad and confused and angry it all makes you feel. It's crazy making.

At some point, you have to start to believe that this has nothing to do with you. It really has nothing to do with OW. Your stbxwh is, in a nutshell, fucked up. For whatever reason and whatever constitutes his "why" for lying, cheating, and destroying his family - he's fucked up.

Normal, healthy people don't do that. Normal, healthy people don't demolish their spouses and children all for a new piece of ass. Fucked up, cowardly, selfish, entitled people do that.

You are worth so much more than that.

You are right in that the love doesn't shut off immediately. It takes a long time. This is a lot to process and there is no way out but through.

There are certain things you can do to help the process along. One of the main things is to not look at his phone or email or social media accounts anymore. No good can come of that. He's with her. You are divorcing. The details don't matter. It will only hurt you more and nothing is worth that.

LeftOutintheCold posted 5/2/2014 09:22 AM


I know exactly how you're feeling. You echoed my feelings of despair. It's just so unfair how they can just walk away as if all we had together never existed in the first place.

One day at a time. Try to just focus on you and your kiddos. It is hard, no doubt about it!

Klove posted 5/2/2014 09:43 AM

Acer- everything I wanted to say has been said...
Looking helps you detach but remember NC means stopping those "detective" activities. I am saying this without always practicing it myself. At some point, when you're ready, the evidence that she is his priority now will propel you forward onto a new path. It's a tough path to walk- but at the end you'll be free and things will be better.
Hugs to you. One small step at a time.
Employ the 180. Make yourself busy during those visitations. Let him think you're moving on.

slicerboy posted 5/2/2014 10:32 AM

It is just amazing to me how they all seem to follow the same script.


katiesmom posted 5/2/2014 11:28 AM

I know the pain and rejection you are feeling. I remember when I discovered my ex's affair, and I was sitting at my computer looking at the phone records, day in and day out, of their non-stop phone calls and texts. And my ex did the same thing as yours...we were still married, but separated, and the minute he would leave our house after visiting our daughter, he would call OW.

And I remember him telling me over and over that it wasn't an affair, and that they are just "good friends." Yeah, good friends who got married three months after our divorce.

I thought I would go crazy.

I know how much it hurts. He has disrespected you. Try focusing on something other than the phone records, as hard as it may be. It will get better. And know that you are not alone.

LovelyDaffodils posted 5/4/2014 13:45 PM

It is painful knowing the total disrespect. Can't even f'ing wait for it to be final.
Monday night, I confronted my WH with the last straw discovery. He was being a terrible TTing WS, who I knew was lying/hiding things-from before Dday. Last discovery was of things since DDay while in 4 months false R.
This proved my suspicions of NPD and we decided to S. We are in the same house though as there is no money to live apart yet. I did say I hoped he wouldn't do anything else until the D was final. He doesn't have a recent AP, was just texting this latest OW a month ago. I put a stop to that Friday by contacting her letting her know he was M. Can't go back to that one now.

Anyway, his response was a face, like couldn't believe I thought he wouldn't wait. I just rolled my eyes. I know he has no intentions of waiting, was probably out trolling in his free time for sexting partners the next day.

If I think about it (pain shop), yup, it hurts like hell. But I have to think about me. I saw what he was that night, nothing more to see there. I have been working 180 and was ready for it.

Part of me would like to keep him from doing stuff, but only as sort of revenge (wrong, I know). Not because I want to feel special to him or I am worth the respect. Won't even entertain that thought. He's not capable of respecting anyone. But if he flaunts it in my face, well,... I can make life very hard for him.

I know it hurts Acer. How can they be so horrible?! Just know that they are, and you are better, deserve better!!!

nowiknow23 posted 5/4/2014 14:08 PM

How can he brush me aside and move on without trying to see if he could connect with me again? I can't compete with new and exciting. I feel rejected for being me. I wasn't the right one anymore, wow, that hurts.
Acer, honey - Every one of us understands these feelings. Truly. I want to offer you a reframe that I hope helps.

He isn't rejecting you, he's throwing in the towel. Addressing his issues, fixing the mess he made, and becoming a true partner takes strength and determination. He's too weak and broken to do it. That's why he's checked out. It honestly has nothing to do with you or your worth. And believe it or not, it has nothing to do with OP either.

It has everything to do with his character. His weakness. His failure.

(((((Acer))))) Sending you strength and comfort, honey.

LovelyDaffodils posted 5/4/2014 14:53 PM

^^^^ yes, yes, and yes. I need to remember that too!!!!

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