my wife cheated on me.
in some ways i trust her barely at all. i will NEVER trust her 100% again. ever. she blew that. forever. i think thats a perfectly reasonable response to utter betrayal. there is and always will be a level of doubt of "is she where she says she is" and "is she behaving as she should".
in other ways i trust her completely. if she tells me she needs to change her socks, i dont think she is lying.
the things in between these two extremes are on a somewhat sliding scale of trust. as time goes by and she continues being transparent, continues being honest, etc ... the level of trust will increase. it wont ever get to 100% blind trust again but it definitely hasnt stayed as low as it was (depending on how you count the time i was lied to, gaslit, and got TT for 2.5 years, about a year, or 6 months - because ive had multiple D-days about the same period of time) when i realized that almost everything out of her mouth was a lie (because concealing something, minimizing it, or telling half the truth = a whole lie). now i accept much of what she says as true, some i verify, and some i wonder about - as time goes by and she continues being honest more and more will shift from wondering to verifying and from verifying to trust. but she lied to me for years. its going to take longer to get trust back than it took for her to blow it and, as i said, it will NEVER come back to 100%. thats dead and gone.
so, id suggest that you will have to accept that you no longer have a right to 100% trust. ever.
you can expect that over time your actions will prove your trust and that levels of trust will raise. in some places and ways quicker than others.
[This message edited by william at 4:35 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
I am glad that you found us here. It sounds like you did some good things in order to make changes for the better and to attempt to rebuild trust. What it seems to be that you are running into here is your fiance's desire to trust you. The actions that you described about your fiance sounds like he doesn't know how to proceed forward, and there is resorting to avoiding the situation by being out. Some of his behaviors could be construed to his having an affair since he is avoiding you but at the same time it really could be he is just avoiding the situation.
I think that couples counseling is a great idea and I am glad that you have that appointment set up. When you are trying to discuss this issue with eachother or with the counselor, always try to talk in a manner of working for the good of the relationship and avoid blaming. It would be so easy to just say "he won't trust me" versus something along the lines of "I screwed up and we are trying to rebuild trust but there are hurdles that we don't know how to get around". Those that are betrayed will probably retreat if blamed or attacked. They are quite fragile and your fiance sounds like he is right there.
Pursue the couples' counseling and let us know how that goes.
My WH also transferred away from the OW at work, maintained NC, and had given me full transparency, but like WILLIAM said - WH will never regain 100% trust again. Ever. I guess I trust him a tiny bit more, but it will take a LONG time to regain even 50% of the trust that I had.
WH is not remorseful, so maybe having a WS that is remorseful will help with the rebuilding of trust. I am not in that situation.
Sending you strength and hope.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:39 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]
it can take several forms usually involving some form of minimization, concealment, and lying.
- claiming that the affair with person A was was "only an emotional affair when actually it was physical too.
- claiming that person A was the only one that an affair was had with when it was also person B and C.
- claiming that the affair happened in 2011 for 3 months when it actually happened from 2010 to 2013.
claiming that "this is all" when its not all.
for example in june 2013 my wife admitted to a long term emotional affair that had taken place for over 6 months. in january she admitted it was actually physical too. the next day she admitted he had actually been in our house as well and they had physical activity between them in our house. a few days later she also admitted that she had been sexting with 5 guys over a 2 year period. the next day she admitted to two one night stands with two different guys during this same two year period.
each time she would end the divulging of information looking me in the eyes and swearing that she had told me everything. often with tears pouring out of her eyes and telling me that she loved me.
a few months later the count of sexting guys had risen to almost a dozen, one of the one night stands "maybe" took place 2x with one of the guys, and that the emotional/physical affair wasnt just at his house and our house but that they had also had sex at her parents house (when both of them were in the hospital) as well as having gone on walks/dates/etc all over the city.
lots of trickle truth examples in there.
[This message edited by william at 11:32 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]
My two cent.
The trust issue is not about you. That is obvious. The trust issue comes down to can he trust himself?
My W cheated on me and I had all those same fears...they are still there but just not up front and center...I know what time it is with them now. I needed to learn to trust my own instincts again. To know two things for sure. First, I was capable of not being duped again. Second, exactly how I will react if it ever happens to me a second time from the same person. Once I solidified those two things it allowed me to move forward. My W, doing all the good stuff, passwords, telling where she is all the time, being honest, etc are all great and needed. At the end of the day, she did not allow me to trust again, I did.
A BS needs to build themselves back up and then determine if the WS is a worth a shit or not. If they are they need to get back to a place where the are good with there own instincts again. Your part, IMO, is proving to him that you are worth the time of day. He has a lot of work to do all by himself on his end also....
[This message edited by wert at 12:36 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]
Please take it one day at a time. It might not seem like it, but there are better days ahead.
After your wife cheated, was there a period where you didn't want to come home because you couldn't stand to be around her?
As a BH myself I can answer that. Yes, there was a time that I volunteered or even sought out business trips just to spend some time away from her.
The thing is, seeing her was a constant reminder of what a chump I was for "trying to work things out." Pride is a tricky thing and some people place the utmost importance on pride.
It may be that he can't find a way to be in the relationship without feeling this way. The fact that he tries at all is a good sign, but anyone he confides in that has not experienced this will tell him to run away from you as fast as he can.
Actually they probably both are factors.
You have to determine if you are trying to work this out for the right reasons or because you regret your actions.
Why does your relationship offer him now ? Find those things and put 110% effort into that. He will sort out his feelings in time, but right now he is looking at the unknown versus what he has now. I am sorry, but it looks like the unknown seems to be more appealing to him.
As others have said sometimes ending the relationship is the kindest thing to do to someone.
You guys both need a new start, and it may be together, but you can't fix the old. That was over on DDay. One way or another you both need a new relationship.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.