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How long to regain trust?

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SorryWGF8888 posted 5/1/2014 23:21 PM

I cheated on my fiancé with a coworker in September of last year. He yelled at me, questioned me, and cried over it. I tried to be as supportive as I could while being honest about the details. Since then I have quit my job because he, understandably, doesn't trust me at work. It is now May and I am still not working because I haven't gained his trust back. I rarely talk to anyone other than him and his family. I've cut off ties with everyone I used to work with, everyone who's a bad influence on me, and all of my old friends who don't get along with my fiancé. I now stay at home and take care of our dogs and my fiance's disabled father.
After I cheated, things slowly returned to normal. The past two months, my fiancé has been extremely distant. He goes to the bar every other night after work and stays at a friend's house. He doesn't call and rarely texts while he's gone. It seems like he only comes home to eat, shower, and change for work or the next place he's going out to. He has a hard time opening up, but he finally admitted that he can't get over what I did to him and doesn't want to be around me anymore. Although he wants to work on regaining trust in me, he doesn't know how to. We have an appointment set up with a couples counselor, but I'm starting to lose hope that things will get better. When will I earn his trust back? What am I not doing that I should be? How can We enjoy being together again?
Also, I forgot to mention we've been together for two years. It isn't long compared to the other couples I've read about on this site, but he's the one I want to marry. I made a committent to him, and I know I messed up but I want to make it right.

cannibal posted 5/2/2014 02:35 AM

Do you have total transparency?
Does he have access to your email, Facebook, text, and any other lines of communication?
It sounds like you established nc and have answered all his questions. Have you tt'ed? If you have it will only prolong his healing.
Have you read through any books together? We read through "Not Just Friends" it helped. Were reading through "Hold me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" now. Both these books have practice and play sections that if worked together could really help. We bought a Kindle version of each and were able to read while apart and would talk/review every chapter or so. Another book I'm in is "The Seven Languages of Love." It's a lot of work and takes dedication.
Part of me wonders though if he maybe having an RA. His actions sound suspect to me. I don't want to make you paranoid or anything but something tells me you too have such suspicions. I wish you luck on your journey. Have a look through the healing library. The q&a's were really helpful to me. Try to get him involved.

william posted 5/2/2014 03:30 AM

im a bs.

my wife cheated on me.

in some ways i trust her barely at all. i will NEVER trust her 100% again. ever. she blew that. forever. i think thats a perfectly reasonable response to utter betrayal. there is and always will be a level of doubt of "is she where she says she is" and "is she behaving as she should".

in other ways i trust her completely. if she tells me she needs to change her socks, i dont think she is lying.

the things in between these two extremes are on a somewhat sliding scale of trust. as time goes by and she continues being transparent, continues being honest, etc ... the level of trust will increase. it wont ever get to 100% blind trust again but it definitely hasnt stayed as low as it was (depending on how you count the time i was lied to, gaslit, and got TT for 2.5 years, about a year, or 6 months - because ive had multiple D-days about the same period of time) when i realized that almost everything out of her mouth was a lie (because concealing something, minimizing it, or telling half the truth = a whole lie). now i accept much of what she says as true, some i verify, and some i wonder about - as time goes by and she continues being honest more and more will shift from wondering to verifying and from verifying to trust. but she lied to me for years. its going to take longer to get trust back than it took for her to blow it and, as i said, it will NEVER come back to 100%. thats dead and gone.

so, id suggest that you will have to accept that you no longer have a right to 100% trust. ever.
you can expect that over time your actions will prove your trust and that levels of trust will raise. in some places and ways quicker than others.

[This message edited by william at 4:35 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]

MovingUpward posted 5/2/2014 07:30 AM

Welcome SorryWGF8888

I am glad that you found us here. It sounds like you did some good things in order to make changes for the better and to attempt to rebuild trust. What it seems to be that you are running into here is your fiance's desire to trust you. The actions that you described about your fiance sounds like he doesn't know how to proceed forward, and there is resorting to avoiding the situation by being out. Some of his behaviors could be construed to his having an affair since he is avoiding you but at the same time it really could be he is just avoiding the situation.

I think that couples counseling is a great idea and I am glad that you have that appointment set up. When you are trying to discuss this issue with eachother or with the counselor, always try to talk in a manner of working for the good of the relationship and avoid blaming. It would be so easy to just say "he won't trust me" versus something along the lines of "I screwed up and we are trying to rebuild trust but there are hurdles that we don't know how to get around". Those that are betrayed will probably retreat if blamed or attacked. They are quite fragile and your fiance sounds like he is right there.

Pursue the couples' counseling and let us know how that goes.

heartbroken2012 posted 5/2/2014 07:50 AM

I am a BS as well.

My WH also transferred away from the OW at work, maintained NC, and had given me full transparency, but like WILLIAM said - WH will never regain 100% trust again. Ever. I guess I trust him a tiny bit more, but it will take a LONG time to regain even 50% of the trust that I had.

WH is not remorseful, so maybe having a WS that is remorseful will help with the rebuilding of trust. I am not in that situation.

jo2love posted 5/2/2014 09:37 AM

I think the couples counseling is a wonderful idea. Being open, transparent, and non defensive are key. Keep working on yourself and read the Healing Library. Have you tried asking him what he feels will help? This site was created by a couple that was touched by infidelity. One day when I am in a relationship, I hope it is just as strong, loving, and filled with trust as that of SI's founders. They've been through hell and are THE most amazing people.

Sending you strength and hope.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:39 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]

SorryWGF8888 posted 5/2/2014 10:58 AM

I try to be transparent. I've deleted both my personal and my Facebook and my Facebook for school. I blocked the number of the person I had the affair with. But my fiancé still gets mad about things on my phone. One time my friend texted me and I didn't tell him. Even though the conversation was harmless, the fact that I didn't mention it to him hurt him. He saw it when he went through my phone. Last week he accused me of getting a text from a number I've never heard of. There were no missed texts on my phone but he said he saw it and I must have deleted it. I know he's just hurt and it was some jkind of misunderstanding, so I offered to let him hold my phone all day so if "they" texted again I couldn't delete it. He didn't want to keep my phone though, he was already too upset at that point.
What is TT? I'm sorry, I'm new to this forum. He is so uninvolved with me and it is extremely hard to get him to open up. I don't think he would try to read a book with me. I'm just happy he agreed to try counseling. I've thought about a RA too, but I don't think he would do that. He's too good of a person to do that to get revenge.

MovingUpward posted 5/2/2014 11:07 AM

TT is trickle truth. It is when someone slowly lets the truth out over a long period of time, because the holder of the truth doesn't divulge it all. Often times when telling minimal truth, key details are left out. Details which the other party stumbles upon later and thus gets upset and feels they were deceived again.

william posted 5/2/2014 11:09 AM

TT is trickle truth.

it can take several forms usually involving some form of minimization, concealment, and lying.
- claiming that the affair with person A was was "only an emotional affair when actually it was physical too.
- claiming that person A was the only one that an affair was had with when it was also person B and C.
- claiming that the affair happened in 2011 for 3 months when it actually happened from 2010 to 2013.
claiming that "this is all" when its not all.

for example in june 2013 my wife admitted to a long term emotional affair that had taken place for over 6 months. in january she admitted it was actually physical too. the next day she admitted he had actually been in our house as well and they had physical activity between them in our house. a few days later she also admitted that she had been sexting with 5 guys over a 2 year period. the next day she admitted to two one night stands with two different guys during this same two year period.

each time she would end the divulging of information looking me in the eyes and swearing that she had told me everything. often with tears pouring out of her eyes and telling me that she loved me.

a few months later the count of sexting guys had risen to almost a dozen, one of the one night stands "maybe" took place 2x with one of the guys, and that the emotional/physical affair wasnt just at his house and our house but that they had also had sex at her parents house (when both of them were in the hospital) as well as having gone on walks/dates/etc all over the city.

lots of trickle truth examples in there.

[This message edited by william at 11:32 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]

krsplat posted 5/2/2014 11:41 AM

Please think seriously about whether you really want to begin a marriage with such a big handicap. You've only been together 2 years, and it gets ALOT harder after the new wears off and fire dies down. Perhaps the kindest thing to do is to set each other free to start fresh with someone else? Just some food for thought...

SorryWGF8888 posted 5/2/2014 12:09 PM

William, I'm trying to accept that he will never be able to fully trust me again. It's a hard thing to accept, but I know it's my fault that he won't be able to. After your wife cheated, was there a period where you didn't want to come home because you couldn't stand to be around her? Knowing my fiancé feels that way about me makes me awkward and ashamed which only makes him want to avoid me more. I just want to know if this is a normal part of reconcilling.

SorryWGF8888 posted 5/2/2014 12:12 PM

MovingUpward, thank you for the advice on couples counseling. Unfortunately because of his work schedule and my college finals, I couldn't make the appointment until two weeks from today. I hope we make it until the . I'll let you know how counseling goes.

SorryWGF8888 posted 5/2/2014 12:14 PM

HeartBroken, I'm sorry that your husband isn't remorseful about what he did. I feel so embarrassed and disgusted with myself, I can't imagine not feeling this way after what I did to my fiancé.

SorryWGF8888 posted 5/2/2014 12:17 PM

Jo2Love, I've tried asking him what will help but he just keeps saying he doesn't know. The best answer I've gotten is that he needs to work on himself first to figure out how he can regain my trust. I'm trying to let him work on himself by not nagging him to spend time with me. He's had a hard life and has felt betrayed by both of his parents growing up, so having a hard time trusting is a deep issue for him.

SorryWGF8888 posted 5/2/2014 12:24 PM

William, I guess there were some TTs. I had a hard time remembering the order and exact details of things. I would tell him something, swear it was the truth, and then I would say something different the next time. I was trying to be honest, but it sounded like lies. I still can't remember the exact amount of times we had physical contact or what I said to him that led him to feel like he could make a move on me.
Also, the man I cheated with owes me money. With my fiance's permission, there were a few times after Coming clean that I contacted the man to get the money. That prolonged the process because it kept my fiancé wondering if that was the only contact I was having with him. it should have never happened. It was a lot of money, but I should have taken it as a loss and blocked his number a lot sooner than I did. Maybe I did it too late?

SorryWGF8888 posted 5/2/2014 12:27 PM

Krsplat, I made a commitment to this man. He's the one I want to be with. If it doesn't work out, I want to at least be able to say that I did everything I could to make things right after I acted so selfishly.

wert posted 5/2/2014 12:33 PM

BS here.

My two cent.

The trust issue is not about you. That is obvious. The trust issue comes down to can he trust himself?

My W cheated on me and I had all those same fears...they are still there but just not up front and center...I know what time it is with them now. I needed to learn to trust my own instincts again. To know two things for sure. First, I was capable of not being duped again. Second, exactly how I will react if it ever happens to me a second time from the same person. Once I solidified those two things it allowed me to move forward. My W, doing all the good stuff, passwords, telling where she is all the time, being honest, etc are all great and needed. At the end of the day, she did not allow me to trust again, I did.

A BS needs to build themselves back up and then determine if the WS is a worth a shit or not. If they are they need to get back to a place where the are good with there own instincts again. Your part, IMO, is proving to him that you are worth the time of day. He has a lot of work to do all by himself on his end also....

take care...

[This message edited by wert at 12:36 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]

jo2love posted 5/2/2014 12:34 PM

Sounds like he has some FOO issues to work through, too. It will be good to bring that up in counseling.

Please take it one day at a time. It might not seem like it, but there are better days ahead.

numb&dumb posted 5/2/2014 12:36 PM

After your wife cheated, was there a period where you didn't want to come home because you couldn't stand to be around her?

As a BH myself I can answer that. Yes, there was a time that I volunteered or even sought out business trips just to spend some time away from her.

The thing is, seeing her was a constant reminder of what a chump I was for "trying to work things out." Pride is a tricky thing and some people place the utmost importance on pride.

It may be that he can't find a way to be in the relationship without feeling this way. The fact that he tries at all is a good sign, but anyone he confides in that has not experienced this will tell him to run away from you as fast as he can.

Actually they probably both are factors.

You have to determine if you are trying to work this out for the right reasons or because you regret your actions.

Why does your relationship offer him now ? Find those things and put 110% effort into that. He will sort out his feelings in time, but right now he is looking at the unknown versus what he has now. I am sorry, but it looks like the unknown seems to be more appealing to him.

As others have said sometimes ending the relationship is the kindest thing to do to someone.

You guys both need a new start, and it may be together, but you can't fix the old. That was over on DDay. One way or another you both need a new relationship.

Best wishes.

justasinger posted 5/2/2014 12:36 PM

I think, had I of had SI after my WSO's first indiscretion, I would have been able to trust (not completely), but a lot more, a lot sooner. And while I am not taking the blame for indiscretions 2-xx (she claims a total of 5, I do not believe her), I do think at least a few of them may have been avoided had I of opened up to her. I don't know if he is willing or not (and I don't know if you would want him to), but I know for me talking and reading here has really helped me a lot.

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