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Luv2tender posted 5/2/2014 00:13 AM

I'm crazed with emotions,something I never thought I'd endure my entire life.I've been married for a little over 4 years to a Filapina beauty whom I petitioned a fiance visa for.And I was by her side every step of the way with immigration etc.ANd supported and provided everything for her until this day .And took all those risks that come with all the Immigration laws.We had a little girl bless our lives close to one year after the marriage.Things were so good until she was hired on her first job,which I was very proud of her doing so on her own.Towards the end of summer she started going out clubbing with her friends well so called friends.I accepted that so she could have some freedom.Then she started to not come home after she went out with no phone call or anything.I suspected something but tried to give her my trust,She made these excuses it was her Gay friend at work she stayed with or sometimes her girlfriend.Of course I was upset to all this,thinking what kind of mother would leave her child and her husband at home like that.This went on for months I confronted her many times and mentioned she was having an affair,Of course she denied all that to save face.Well about 5 weeks ago I received a call from s woman stating my wife was in a relationship with this man.and mentioned many playdates they had etc,,even with my daughter present.This angered me naturally.At the time of that call my wife had been away for 4 days without contact.I was devistated.She came home that Sunday and acted like nothing was wrong I confronted her she lied and said what does it matter..Wow,,the next day she went to work and never came back.She told me she was going to take time off from him and I and stay with a gf well she never left his side the entire time.I caught her there many occasions.And she still lied about it even with my brand new car in his driveway.After two weeks of her away I had her served papers.5 minutes after she was served she called me and was very emotional.And was lost in why I had her served divorce papers.Well duh! You choose him and made a statement with your child and husband at home.She ended up coming home that night late and wanted t reconcile.That lasted about three days,,Three days of hell for me.On that last evening we were together she was sleeping with our child I asked her to come to bed.Well she sat on the bed and told me her heart belonged to someone else..I already know that ,,four months of sex with this man took her down the wrong path.She left the next day only to leave her stuff here at the house.She slept with him on the night of my B-day.Tell me that didn't cut deep.Three days later she came to get her stuff I was advised to have a witness when she did,,she showed up her and started txting on here Phone.I asked to please not tex her lover in front of me and My girl.She said she had to that he just broke up with her.I took that with a grain of salt,she left awhile later my car loaded up.Awhile later I get a call from her friend saying that she's coming back home.SHe came in the door I was in bed and crawled on he bed hugging me saying she was sorry.I was cold as Ice and said what am I second fiddle now.I was emotionless and said I have to sleep ,God knows I hadn't had any for days.We seeked counsel for two weeks I kept proclaiming my love for her day in and day out just as counsel recommended.She treated me as I had a disease I knew she wanted to be with him ,I could feel her by the actions.She was supposed to cut ties but never really did ,just made ot look that way to me.Blocked him on her Phone but not in some place called Tango ,I read a message just before easter from him stating OMG I miss you so much too.and then some.Well,,that hurt badly after all I had been doing to reconcile our marriage..5 more days pass I wasn't so good in taking counsel and kept questioning her if she talked to him.And earlier I hear news from her co-worker friend that they had plane to get back together and that he was acting happier than normal plus they had been making goo goo eyes towards each other,Well I confronted her when I arrived home about all this and said if you really love him them maybe you should go ,,well she did without question or a fight to save our marriage.Gone that night then showed up with him the next day to get the rest of her stuff,,Wow I wanted to ummm yeah ..never let my baby girl out of my arms until they left. she's lawyered up now wants temporary support,HA! Yeah right when I'm making a 500 dollars car payment on the car she's driving plus insurance,Any ways I have the same question to most why could she do this to me..after all I've done for her.This guy is a nobody ,minimun wage job etccccc
wtf! Sad days ahead for me

OakStreet posted 5/2/2014 04:50 AM


Others will come here with good advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that you've been heard and others know your pain.

Start reading the articles in "The Healing Library", including The 180. Continue counseling, even if its just for you, you have been through trauma.

Good luck to you.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/2/2014 07:33 AM

May I assume this is a mail-order bride type of thing? Sounds as though she just wanted to come to America and you were a means to an end, which is pretty typical of these situations.

All you can do is try your best to protect yourself financially at this point.

Please don't make the mistake of trying to lure her back with more money or the promise of a better life than what this creep can offer her, just because he earns minimum wage. She's already SHOWN you she's happy to use people in order to get what she needs, so DON'T try to persuade her to come back because you can offer her more. Who the hell wants a user whose hanging around for what you can give her?


Get lawyered up IMMEDIATELY and start protecting your financial interests.

Luv2tender posted 5/2/2014 08:29 AM

Not really a mail order bride,I went to see her for several weeks three different times.I know what you're saying though as if she used me to immigrate after 4 plus years and a child going to be hard to prove fraud,ANd if that's the case she'd get deported and never see her child again.Part of says yes do it and the other says no.And about the money thing I never tried to lure her back that way.The point I was making is he's a nobody and just divorced his wife two weeks ago because of this affair.And when my wife was back at home with me he never stopped pursuing her.I know things will pass and my heart will heal.How to I tell my child that Mommy is not coming home.That hurts deeply inside.You hear others say once a cheater always a cheater.Counsel tried to teach us that it was possible to restore the marriage.It's her choice not mine.I know I'll miss her that is just life.I am lawyered up and trying my best to protect that.I have evidence of her actions since it started 5 months ago,To show the Judge that she was neglecting the best interest of her child not coming home many nights ,dropping her off at the sitters on several of days off to be with him.I know it's out of my control and in the hands of the Judge when it comes that time.

norabird posted 5/2/2014 08:32 AM

I'm so sorry. Follow the advice of your legal counsel and if you want to see any remorse o change of heart from her in the future, stand your ground now. That means showing her consequences for her actions. Can you end the lease on the car or sell it? Have you taken half of the money out of joint accounts? Time to stand up and protect your daughter and yourself and show that you will not be used.

Luv2tender posted 5/2/2014 09:07 AM

ANd to note all the lies that came alone with the affair.I thought I knew my wife I guess I do now.And she constantly blames me for everything.Everytime I talk to her it's the same thing over and over again that it's all my fault..Crazy behavior!!!

krsplat posted 5/2/2014 11:16 AM

It was not your fault that she had an affair. It will be your fault if you allow her to continue moving in and out of your home whenever she wants, confusing your daughter and hurting you every time she lies and leaves again.

Get a good lawyer, and do as he or she tells you.

And I hear you about the shock, the lies, and not really knowing who she is any more. I thought I knew my WH inside and out, but found of after 20 yeas that I was wrong. It's a normal reaction to a crazy situation, and I am sorry that you find yourself in it.

TXMommy posted 5/2/2014 14:27 PM

It was not your fault that she had an affair. It will be your fault if you allow her to continue moving in and out of your home whenever she wants, confusing your daughter and hurting you every time she lies and leaves again.

Absolutely. Not your fault at all... EVERY cheater I've ever known or read about has tried t justify themselves by BLAMING the person they cheated on. It's blameshifting... and don't you buy in to it.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your precious baby, but you're in the right place. The support and information here at SI was a lifeline for me int the beginning!

amanda123 posted 5/2/2014 16:14 PM

It is a very sad situation especially when there are children involved. I can see that you are hurting not only for yourself but for your little girl. It is irrespective of whether she is or was a mail order bride, she obviously won your heart and made a committment to you, you gave her a much better life than what she would have had in her former country. She is not going to show her gratitude to you by staying with you, It is obvious that she has moved on and that she will come running back to you when she has a crisis because you have given her everything she wanted, including freedom. Dont fall for that, and since her and her new lover have already had a few problems, its not a good start so be prepared when the shit hits the fan so to speak. Workplace romances very rarely last. I know that you wanted your marriage to last and to be a family, I think that is what most of us want, however how could you ever trust this woman again. From this group you will get sound advice from people who have gone through what you are going through now, they have survived it and are here to help us now so please listen.

Me, works in the medical field
Him, emergency services worker
children, 3
Infidelity, with his long time friend (thought she was my friend too)

Skan posted 5/2/2014 19:15 PM

Unfortunately, it's probably been too long of a time since you were married to file to have the marriage annulled. I'm glad that you were smart enough to make sure that your child never left your arms she doesn't deserve to have her! Is that car in your name? If so, go get it and sell it for whatever you can get. Of course, follow your lawyers advice, I don't even claim to be one!

If you haven't already, you're going to have to be tested for STD/HIV. Please do so immediately in case she's given you a disease. And since it looks like you're heading straight to divorce due to her actions, you might want to go down to the Separation and Divorce forum to introduce yourself. There's a lot of good people down there who can support and advise you during this time.

Keep posting. We're all here for you.

Luv2tender posted 5/4/2014 11:49 AM

The car is in my name so I have to keep it insured my attorney advises I don't take the car away.Thinks it will look bad in the judges eye.And after things are final I have to petition for a change of title on the car.I can't make that payment and have it not be mine,and as well I'll more than likely be paying spousal support as well as child support.The justice system is messed up here in Oregon.When it comes to divorce it's a no fault state.Judge doesn't care if she cheated.The only thing I have is my journal to show she neglected her child for over 5 months by not coming home at night and dropping her off at the sitters on her days off.Text records since there relationship began.She left us to be with him why should I have to pay her,this entire thing is messed up badly and not by my choice.

norabird posted 5/4/2014 13:16 PM

Yes, I get that to the state's no fault makes sense, but to be betrayed and then have the betrayer take you for a's so unfair. Yet another thing to struggle over and fight to make peace with. I'm sorry. At least focusing in the logistics is a good distraction. And remember that you want your L to fight for you--you can get a second opinion if you aren't sure this one is being aggressive enough. You need someone with a focus on paternal rights. To me it makes no sense that you can't take away a car in your name that you are paying for but I'm no attorney. Also you should separate half the money now and close joint cards.

Do check out the D/S forum and also the Betrayed Men thread in I Can Relate.

betrayedpregnant posted 5/4/2014 13:28 PM

Wow.... People like your wife ( and my husband ) make me shake my head. How they can be so cruel and remorseless. So sad to hear your story, hearing after all the things you did for her and all the times you've forgiven her, how uncaring she is of her child, how ungrateful she is, how she used you to get a green card... If you choose to reconcile with her, brace yourself, because to me she really does not sound like the repentant type.

Luv2tender posted 5/4/2014 15:35 PM

You're right she's not the repentant type.I called the pastor last night to see if they would counsel us once more.My wife showed up there.They have seen us both several times.They know my feelings about all this.She didn't want to come saying they would gang up on her.But she did come.It was different this time stating that we have to put God first in our lives etc..She did confess of her sins out loud,and ask for Gods forgiveness.But not showing much emotion when doing so.SHe's checked out emotionally from me.I know from what everyone around me is saying.Cut the rope and move on ,be hard and let her reap what she sow.I am weak but have to be strong for my child.It hard to except all this.My wife loving someone else after such a short time knowing him.And her blindness to what she will lose.I know deep in my heart I will heal.There is no other option.And I deserve a better love than she has given and proven to me.The car thing I don't understand either but I'm just following my attorneys advice.She will lose the car in the end.Thank you everyone for your support.I have a long road to come for me and my little girl.whom both miss her Mommy.

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