Well, not nightmares exactly, but those panic attacks in the night where I wake up in a pool of sweat with my heart racing? Why now?
We're 6 months out, and although I'm obviously having good days and bad, things are generally in a positive place. But when I wake up from a night like this, it makes it really hard to keep my head clear. I'm exhausted, and I don't understand why this is back now.
It's making me paranoid. Does my body know something my brain is too tired to see? Or is this a normal thing to cycle back around? My gut tells me everything is going well with R, but I don't have a lot of faith in my gut anymore. H is doing what he can to reassure me, but I woke up shaky and confused this morning anyway.
Questions and doubts are again creeping in, which in the context of a healthy marriage would seem absurd. Did WH really get a hair cut when he said he did? I mean, his hair is cut, and there was absolutely nothing suspicious about the circumstances. But I want to see the time stamp on the receipt to know for sure. I HATE it that our marriage is so ridiculous now. I hate it that the trust in my husband (my HUSBAND!!!) is so broken that this could possibly even come up.
I don't feel that same panic of the early days, but I just feel a constant dullness - a deep sadness that this is my new reality. That if I have a bad night I'm right back to doubting everything. It's like I'm back to the disbelief that this even happened. Back to the How Could You stage.
I don't know what I'm looking for here. I'm just trying to figure out the ups and downs, I guess.