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I need advice on dd please help

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Helen of Troy posted 5/2/2014 07:30 AM

DD17 wants stepmom to adopt her when she is 18!
This is on the heels of me not letting her stay over at a friend's house before friend goes to theraputic foster care. This friend is a very troubled girl.
Her older sister dd21 and younger dd13 are disgusted by this idea. Of course owife/stepmom is all for it.
What can I do? I am heartbroken but will try not to show it. I am custodial parent he sees them one weekend a month and has no permanent residence, travels 6 weeks at a time for work.
This whole infidelity his remarriage thing - I should have taken acting lessons.

cayc posted 5/2/2014 08:27 AM

I think this is just teenage growing pains. A thing said to deliberately wound you because that's what teenagers do, that's how they deal with their feelings.

Please don't take such pronouncements literally. It's going to be ok. In a day, week, month, she'll have moved on to some new thing to rail against and bait you with.

(((HoT)))

Helen of Troy posted 5/2/2014 08:50 AM

I want to believe what you said is true.

She hasn't even told me this yet, but has with her dad and sisters. Owife is a dirty, conniving, mean manipulative person. Even if she weren't having an affair with x during our marriage I would still think she is domineering and just outright bad. I have a feeling she is the one who brought this up.

If dd hasn't told me this why would she be doing this to get a reaction from me?

norabird posted 5/2/2014 08:54 AM

((((HoT))))

Oh I'm so sorry. But if she hasn't even mentioned it to you yet it may be because it's an empty threat.

Do you have an IC who can discuss how to handle this with you? I'd imagine you want to both express that you will support her and love her no matter what but also let her know that you are hurt that this is what she wants...not as a manipulating tool, but just so she knows that she matters to you.

PhoenixRisen posted 5/2/2014 10:38 AM

uggg it breaks your heart when your children say things like that.
My kids occasionally do the same thing (throw out how they want to live with ex/ow right after I've made them do their hw or chores or eat veggies....) It's all part of being a parent.

But since she hasn't said it to you just try to ignore it.

Or... you COULD show it! Have a heart to heart with her. Let her know what your heard and that your feelings are hurt. Tell her you love her and work hard to create a safe environment for her, and sometimes safety is the opposite of fun. And you understand that but that is your job as a parent.

((hugs))

Catwoman posted 5/2/2014 11:17 AM

Typical teen hurtful talk. I know it hurts, but they really don't mean it and they will be mortified as adults that they actually said that.

From a legal standpoint, this would never happen. Seriously, it wouldn't.

Cat

Sadwife222 posted 5/2/2014 11:35 AM

Also, once she's 18, why would she need adopting? To get a new last name? Wouldn't it stay the same? And, the adopting "parent" would then pay college tuition and take her in?

Ha! Obviously, neither one of them have thought this out!

kg201 posted 5/2/2014 14:00 PM

Sounds like a teen thing, but honestly, at 18 she can basically do what she wants. If that is what she truly wants, then let her. Trying to stop her is just going to drive you crazy, and have her ramping up the angst.

If you are supporting her after her 18th birthday, the you could lay down some ground rules. If she really wants adoption, then the new "parent" can take over the support you have been providing (housing, education, food, gas, etc). As a former parent of an adult child you will not have any obligation towards her.

It's not blackmail, it's just the reAlity of her choices. You have. Right to your choices as well.

mixedemotions posted 5/2/2014 14:29 PM

Or... you COULD show it! Have a heart to heart with her. Let her know what your heard and that your feelings are hurt. Tell her you love her and work hard to create a safe environment for her, and sometimes safety is the opposite of fun. And you understand that but that is your job as a parent.

I love this. You can emphasize for her that when she turns 18 she will have many choices, and as her mom you will love her no matter what choices she makes. Then invite an open conversation about your relationship. It's possible she's really needing to feel loved and nurtured lately for reasons even having nothing to do with the friend. In that case, showing her your own vulnerability might help her feel more comfortable doing the same. Something like "I can have my feelings hurt the same way you do and this is the healthy way I communicate when I feel hurt. I want us to be closer, not further away, what do you need from me in order to feel supported?"

This could very well be just her way of blowing off steam. She might not mean it at all, or she might feel as though she means it now but will change her mind later. Regardless, it could spark a nice conversation between you two. Even if the talk doesn't seem to go well it will likely be very nice for her to see how much you care.

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