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Chemistry t/j

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curiouswiz posted 5/2/2014 07:42 AM

I'm reposting this at better4me's request; Because I need help with this issue. I did watch the video better4me posted and that is a big part of my problem. I understand it's also my body's reaction to this person. I wish I didn't understand! I've run and hidden so many times and wish I could control these emotions/physical reactions.

Here's my previous post re: Chemistry.

I've been going through exactly this with a nice man I met OLD. Oh boy. Just talking with him is very difficult.
I've wanted to discuss so many things with you guys in the last few months but have been hiding and reading.

This chemistry has hit me very hard. We've been chatting online for about 3 or 4 months and have met twice. The first lunch date lasted hours and I felt uneasy because I was literally trembling. I haven't ever felt such strong chemistry. Butterflies? Yes. Emotional connections? Yes. But. This is very different from those emotions in my past. This is truly out of my control. I can barely speak in his presence. It's a struggle like none other.

He's just a year out from his divorce and I'm not divorced after a year and a half of filing. I've been alone for more than 4 years (?) now. He's not ready. I know he's not. It's obvious. He's also very busy with his life and that's a beautiful thing. His heart was torn out after a 30 year marriage. He needs time. We exchanged emails every day for these last 4 months. I've gotten to know him so well and have let him know me. It's truly a wonderful communication between us. Just not the right time for him. He's a retired teacher and plays in a very busy band. He's so compassionate, intelligent, kind, empathetic. All those wonderful qualities we look for in a partner.

I had to tell him that I won't contact him anymore. Because I've fallen in love with him. It's painful but I know it's for the best. We live almost two hours away from each other and it feels as though it's just too much or is it too little? This chemistry is draining me. I'm amazed at what our imaginations can do to our bodies. It must be my imagination right? Why do I tremble and feel faint when I talk to him face to face. Chemicals. Also great respect for him. Tremendous respect. His intelligence makes me weak. His heart makes me faint. He's so different from anyone I've ever known and I've fallen madly in love. The only option I felt I had was to shut down, hide again. Run away from these wonderful emotions and chemicals.

Ah, shit on a shingle.....

cayc posted 5/2/2014 08:31 AM

The chemistry is draining you? Or your fear of allowing someone to be in your life that truly matters to you, that you want in all the ways you can want someone.

I guess I read your last thread and this, and it reeks of fear. This sounds like pure flight response. So where is that fear coming from?


norabird posted 5/2/2014 09:00 AM

When you say it's not the right time for you mean he isn't ready for the type of relationship you want? If so, then despite the sadness of stepping back, it is probably right. With the strength of the chemistry being 'just friends' and putting the connection on hold would be difficult to impossible.

Or is the issue that you are afraid of trying and being hurt, afraid of letting your emotions be felt?

curiouswiz posted 5/2/2014 09:22 AM

Hi cayc; I'm filled with fear, yes. More importantly, he's flat out told me he doesn't want a romantic relationship at this time. His therapist told him to try OLD to get his confidence dealing with women back. I understand that. I wish we hadn't connected on such a deep level but we have. Thing is, it's been communication unlike any I've experienced before too. We've discussed so many topics. I feel as though we can talk about anything, except me loving him. He's flat out told me he doesn't want a relationship.

It would be fine to pretend I'm not so attracted to him and keep communicating but that would just add to my fears and pain. So, how can I continue to be friends when that's not what I feel? I'm in love with the man that he's shown me in his writings. The soul he's revealed to me. I had no choice but to hide, run as fast as I can. I cried my heart out over this decision. I'm starting to cry now. I honestly have no other option but to run. If I hadn't said good bye to him I would just be setting us both up for more involvement and pain. We haven't even kissed! How can I be in love and we haven't even kissed??

Chemical imbalance.....overloaded with chemicals. Wish I didn't understand but I do. God help me. Maybe this weekend I'll go dancing. Try to make believe I'm fine.

His profile states that he's looking for someone. I'm not that someone, obviously. I guess I've been put in the friend category. Damn, it hurts. And yes, I'm scared to death. Afraid to be hurt. Who isn't? But it's too late, I'm hurt. I had to run. I try to be brave. I try to put myself out there. At sixty it's hard to have the confidence I had when I was younger (and firmer!) but I'm trying my best.

norabird posted 5/2/2014 09:37 AM

You are doing the right thing by protecting yourself since he does not want what you do. Try to take some comfort that you're still able to connect to someone. Someone who is ready for you is out there and you deserve to get as much as you're giving.

cayc posted 5/2/2014 11:34 AM

His therapist told him to try OLD to get his confidence dealing with women back.

What a fucking shit therapist that guy has. Oh go on OLD and use other people regardless of how you may hurt them to heal yourself. This stuff really pisses me off. One wonders if his story is true or if he's lying but whatever, either way it's crappy.

As for your fear ... is that left over from your WS? So here's a guy, you are way into him, he tells you there will be no relationship so that based upon prior experience you are afraid you'll hang on pass the point of reason (kind of like we all did, all that time wasted )?

Really, if it's just that it's painful to fall hard for a guy and then realize it's not going to happen. You know the drill. NC and fill your days with other stuff until the hurt isn't so present in your mind.

And think about it. Why would you want to even be friends with a guy who uses OLD as a test case for his own healing and meanwhile disses you in the effort? I get the falling for him, but he's not worth you. Not by a long shot for pulling that stunt.

curiouswiz posted 5/3/2014 09:55 AM

I agree cacy; I think it was shitty advice from the therapist and I had the same thought you did when he explained it to me. It is painful and was poorly thought out. I too wonder if it's true or if he's looking to find someone younger. His profile has him looking from 45 years old to 60, which is my age. He's 64.

I guess I'll never know. I have kept NC since last weekend when I told him I can't keep talking with him because I've fallen for him. He isn't putting up any fight to change my mind.

AND. Yes all that time wasted waiting for STBX to come to his senses. All the time spent crying in horrific pain. I don't want to waste any more of my time waiting, hoping, dreaming of something that will never happen. Ok, maybe if I waited and/or was a bit stronger in my self confidence I might have been able to play the game and do the dance of wait and see. I just couldn't hide it anymore. If I held the feelings in any longer I would burst. It was so difficult to say that was the reason I no longer want to communicate but I had to be truthful. It was getting painful and I realized he was not stepping up to the plate but in fact was keeping me as a friend. I'm not looking for more friends. I have plenty of male friends....

I've been off of OLD since I went NC with him. I have a few guys that have shown interest this week and I've ignored them because I had to think this through and settle my emotions. I'm sad about it but I'm glad I didn't keep waiting for him to make a move. His silence is telling me everything.

sheila0304 posted 5/3/2014 16:24 PM


norabird posted 5/3/2014 21:28 PM

As much as these situations hurt, you're handling it very well.

curiouswiz posted 5/4/2014 08:54 AM

Thanks to all of you I am able to deal/handle this well. You're all great teachers and friends that I cherish. It's hurting more than I expected it to. I keep hoping he'll send an email, call for a date, anything!

Radio silence is his response. So, that pretty much says it all.

Thanks for helping me wade through this new heartbreak. I know I will be okay and it is nice to know that I can love again. I've worried that I wouldn't or couldn't open my heart to love but I did. It hurts but I learned a lot from him and I really wouldn't mind being his friend because he's such an interesting character. I just can't deny the chemicals that rush through me when I talk to him and that keeps me stuck on him. Wonderful and painful. Heh..I'll try to keep on trucking. NC, NC, NC, NC!

curiouswiz posted 5/6/2014 08:39 AM

I broke NC. must follow who you're chatting with because after being off the site for awhile his profile has come up in my daily searches. Twice. The second time I couldn't help but read "our history" and as soon as I did I realized he'll know that I "viewed" his profile. They post that on your main wall.

I'm still having a hard time letting this go. What the hell...I just keep reading and reminding myself this too shall pass. I guess I'm a bit ashamed at having read the history and not just letting it go. Why?

cmego posted 5/6/2014 09:36 AM

It is a process, that is why. Nothing in life is black and white. Just keep working at NC, one hour at a time, then one day at a time and it WILL pass.

Just don't torture yourself. Block his Match profile and his FB profile, delete emails, delete texts. Just erase him and it will slowly get better.

I promise.

norabird posted 5/6/2014 11:38 AM

I guess I'm a bit ashamed at having read the history and not just letting it go. Why?

I know that I placed really unreasonable expectations on my healing process in my breakup. In the first days and weeks, beating myself up for still caring. Well, of course you still care! It's okay. And it's okay that you break down and do the internet stalking a bit at first. Just do as cmego said, and block him. Keep yourself distracted and let yourself process the los. It's all a learning experience

better4me posted 5/6/2014 12:08 PM

Ok, maybe if I waited and/or was a bit stronger in my self confidence I might have been able to play the game and do the dance of wait and see.
Be gentle with yourself. I think too often I used to get caught up in "the game" of dating and the dance of dating and was too scared to be myself. I kept meeting men who were playing a game too, no wonder. Now I realize that by being more choosy and more real and honest I will be less willing to settle and will even have a better chance to find what I want and desire. A better chance to find somebody who wants what I want. This guy wanted something other than what you wanted. Now you know. Now you can move on.

At least you know now your heart still works. I think being open to love is a good thing, and if you believe in the law of attraction, a loving heart attracts other loving hearts. Maybe having these feelings will signal to the Universe that you are ready for love and passion. Nice to think about it that way at least...

You'll be fine, you know you will be. In time. Be gentle with yourself about Match history showing him you viewed his profile...ego kibbles for him, a lesson for you.


persevere posted 5/6/2014 22:59 PM


He's not ready. I know he's not. It's obvious.

and this:
His profile states that he's looking for someone. I'm not that someone, obviously. I guess I've been put in the friend category. Damn, it hurts.

are all that not leave yourself out there for someone you clearly believe is not available to you. You.deserve.better.


curiouswiz posted 5/7/2014 08:57 AM

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about all of your responses. Firstly, thank you.

I don't think that he wanted to hurt me. In fact I believe we hit it off in a very honest and honorable way. We spent a great deal of time "talking". I lot of in depth sharing of both or our hearts. I simply can't be angry about any of it. Even letting me know he's not ready. I had to blurt out my love because it was choking me. When I say I could have played the game, danced to his tune, I don't mean it to sound as though we were playing a game. In fact I think it's the most honest relationship I've ever had. I know that he's been honest with me. I truly value knowing him. In fact that was what tipped me off to the fact he wants to be friends. He told me he values me and is thankful for our communications. Maybe I jumped the gun and read to much in that but, I felt he was sending me a message. Friends.

I would have loved to dance the dance. I would have loved just going for a walk. Spending some time together other than "talking" online. I would have loved to just be with him and work on just walking together. Talking. The chemistry is so strong that I would have had to "learn" to be with him. The time flies with him. I would have loved to learn to be with him. Both of us respect each other. Maybe a bit too much. I don't want to be friends online and wait to see if he can find time to spend with me. I know if I was important to him he would be here now. He's a true gentleman and treated me like a lady. No BS. No games. Just honesty. I don't regret it at all.

As stated, I do love him. His mind, his heart, his morals are very strong. I can't regret it. The one thing that struck me? As I was falling more and more in love with him, men all around me started to show interest. Funny shit these chemicals. Amazing that something happens with us and that the world takes notice. Science. Amazing shit.

Thanks folks, once again, you've helped me more than I can express. I love all of you for your devotion to our mutual pains, joys and lives. Thank You

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