Is this common?
I can't wrap my head around this idea. Given the volatility that results in a relationship once the infidelity bombshell drops, I do not understand how anyone can place that demand on the Wayward party. It makes one person completely dependent on the other party, and it's not exactly easy to just up & get a job the second the BS decides s/he is done & no longer wishes to R.
I can understand changing jobs if the A took place with a coworker/employee/boss. And were that the case, the WS should definitely provide evidence of a very active job search, pursing it with the same intensity as if s/he were unemployed. But not working altogether? What am I missing here?
My best thinking brought me to SI.
Lots of shake-ups happen post d-day. We moved to a different state, which might seem extreme, but it fit our situation at that time.
This is coming from a BS perspective.
I cannot imagine asking my spouse to quit work altogether under any circumstance since basically "not working" when one is capable of working is a deal breaker in itself in my book. I don't think many share my view on that, but it is definitely how I feel.
With that said, my XH was the type whom could always find work, though some types of work paid better than others.
He was a truck driver and yes, I demanded that he quit driving truck if he wanted me to stay married to him.
He was never "unemployed" but did quit driving several times during our M, and yes I made it a condition since he tended to cheat out on the road with prostitutes or ONS he apparently connected with over the CB radio. During the later years of our M, after about two years of a local trucking job where he was home every night, one day he said, "What would you say if I said I wanted to go back OTR?" I said "Do what you want."
I'm sure he heard that as I was fine with him going back OTR and life would continue on its rosy way. But no, I really meant it as "do what you want, but I'm not staying married to you if that is what you want." I knew if I spelled it out for him, he would not take the OTR job. I REALLY wanted him to do what he wanted at that point!
Well, he took such a job and after his first run, he came home to me telling him I'd been to a lawyer to file for a D.
The story didn't really end there as he quit driving OTR again and we kept trying for another couple of years, until another D-day occurred even though he was not OTR at the time. I filed for a D two days later and have never looked back. After that he bought his own trucks and has been an OTR ever since. The final OW even got her CDL license too so she could go with him and co-drive (Umm, I think she mostly didn't trust him...)
On the flipside, I know of one BH who demanded that his wife finish school and get a job so that if he decided to divorce her, he wouldn't get taken to the cleaners. His words were, I believe, "I wasn't going to pay alimony, and I didn't want to go to prison in order to avoid it."
"Now I know that's contradiction, wants and needs in competition/But it's hard to stay on point with such extremes in opposition."
The first priority needs to be the safety of the BS. If the conditions are still present, how can the BS feel safe?
The remorseful WS should be willing to do anything to help the BS heal. When the BS expresses moving or quitting a job as a need and the WS hedges, just another sign that the BS is not the priority and that the WS thinks the needs of the BS are not important. Another slap in the face for the BS, IMO.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
When the BS expresses moving or quitting a job as a need and the WS hedges, just another sign that the BS is not the priority and that the WS thinks the needs of the BS are not important.
I completely understand this POV. But if it were me, that'd involve a very open & active plan to change jobs vs. just up & quitting. It's like the moving aspect. You can't just pick up & go. You have to put a house on the market, look for work/transfer to the new area, potentially consider the kids' school year, etc.
I don't object to WSs altering variables, but I dislike the idea of creating a situation of complete financial dependency. I've seen this play out badly when stay-at-home parents suddenly find themselves divorced when no known infidelity is involved. Up the odds for a D, and it seems like an unfair position to put one party in.
The A had nothing to do with my job. All though my job performance suffered greatly because of the A and the aftermath.
I made the decision to resign for several reasons, and I'm not able to order them by importance right now:
1) my BH needed extra support post d-day, his job is stressful and I can take some of the pressure off by being at home helping him out with things.
2) I had neglected my kids along with BH during the LTA and wanted to focus on my roles of wife and mother.
3) I had an important job helping families in crisis. When my eyes were opened to my own dysfunction I was truly shocked to my core. I couldn't fathom helping people with their "issues" when I was at least as or more screwed up than them. I was rocked to my core and no longer felt competent to do the job. And during that time I wasn't competent.
4) I was seriously screwed up in the head. Like barely able to function for a while. I was blessed enough that my BH was able and willing to support the family while I got myself together.
I'm looking at working part time...possibly. I do volunteer work now. I do a lot with the kids. Knight works 12 hour shifts and can set his own schedule so he likes me being home so we can spend time together...or travel to G2Gs .
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
I agree with you, more or less. If the WS works with AP, and the BS wants them to quit and is willing to deal with the financial consequences of such, then I think that the WS should quit the position right away, no hemming, and even less hawing.
I say that because for many BS, the peace of mind that comes from having NC 1000% established is worth a downward turn in income. Also, because any protestations by the WS to the contrary are going to be taken as a desire to 'stay in the affair', at least mentally, if not physically.
That being said, I'm sure there are plenty of BS who would say, "Eff that. I'm not going to be heartbroken AND broke." and insist that the WS keep their job.
My guess is that it's crazy subjective to the individuals involved in the particular situation.
One thing I know for sure: if you're a WS, and your recently-betrayed spouse wants you to quit your job (and your desire above all else is to keep your marriage), then it's probably best to do it. You're not in a strong negotiating position at that particular point in time, and protestations of, "Be reasonable; REALLY think about this decision!" are going to fall on deaf ears, if not turned angrily back upon you.
"You must try to generate happiness within yourself. If you aren't happy in one place, chances are you won't be happy anyplace." Ernie Banks
Now, due to other factors that have come up---mostly my medical issues---I would only quit under specific circumstances: if we had a child (and were married and could live comfortably on his income) or if I won the lottery.
Although we are reconciling, we ARE divorced and treating it like a new relationship. No one is going to make unilateral decisions/demands contrary to each other's best interests. Those days died with my affair.
Divorced and remarried to XBH
Co-worker, business trips were used as cover, client, professional colleague, etc.
My Ws A was with a colleague that worked in the same industry. She still has the same job today, but it took one heck of a lot of transparency and safeguards to help me be comfortable that there would never again be any contact or communication. None. To this day, if contact is initiated I would file for D. No justification there. One of the amends she made to me in R was to never communicate, look for (internet search) or see OM ever again. This is a deal breaker.
Honestly my W fixing her issues probably makes me the most comfortable in this area today. No one can prevent anyone from doing something they really want to do. She could contact him again, even innocently, but I could also end the M knowing that it was the right choice.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
My husband has been completely transparent, remorseful and anything else a BS could ask for in regards to R. He actually offered to switch jobs and went on an interview and received the job offer. He was also recruited back to his prior place of employment right before Dday so that was an option as well. He said that I could choose which job I felt comfortable with him taking.
I ultimately decided to have him stay at his current job because if he took one of the others, we would have had to move and take a paycut and disrupt everything even more. I trust him enough due to his post Dday actions. Plus, the EA only OW moved before I found out about her, and the other OW is moving across the country this summer.
I can understand changing jobs if the A took place with a coworker/employee/boss.
That says it all in my case. My LTA was at work and my commitment was to change jobs as soon as possible (it took me 6 months and we did it the right way since I'm the only one working, paying the mortgage, health insurance, etc.).
Thank GOD I never worked in the same city as the OP as I don't know how the last 6 months would have been manageable for anyone. Every time I read a story that says "The other person works in the same office space as me..." it makes me cringe.
There is another point here I want to comment on, and that is the power of work to well-being. Since DDay, pretty much right away, my BS has been looking for a job of her own. I can only imagine this would be a HUGE part of her own recovery and I hope every day she finds one.
As everyone here knows, the job in many ways is a great distraction from the living hell after DDay...my BS has none of that and has just been living in it. That's another thought that makes me cringe...
My AP was not a coworker in the workplace, but a member at the credit union I work for. He never asked me to leave my job, but knowing there was a chance that APwould come in and do business hurt him. From January until April I was searching and sending out about 40 apps a week. It was hard and he knew I was working hard. There was a position opened at another location on the other side of town. I applied and they will be transferring me as soon as they can because they are looking for someone as qualified as I am.
Not only was it that he would come in whenever, but my coworkers are big into infidelity. They talk about who they have slept with and how they deserve gifts for being the other woman and not saying anything. It's hard to not say anything because they will take it out on me as I wish I could just tell them they are all disgusting for thinking it's okay. I don't talk about my personal business at work anymore because I wanted what they were having. So for me it's my coworkers who are okay with infidelity.
I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!
It makes one person completely dependent on the other party
Committing adultery is soul crushing to your partner. It is the ultimate betrayal and totally disrespectful of your spouse as a human being. I am sure it shook him to the core. Everything he believed in and worked for he feels is gone. He believed in you and that trust was broken. Trying to R with you is making him completely vulnerable to the person that just totally rejected and humiliated him. In my opinion he is risking more than you are. Being the only trustworthy partner in a relationship
seems like an unfair position to put one party in
I don't know your story or if you come into contact with OM but my wife worked for OM and I can tell you there was no way I would allow her to spend another minute him if she wanted to stay with me. Each day working with him would have adding more disrespect.
My original plan was to leave once I found a new job and to confess my A to my boss then. I ended up telling her earlier than I planned and "gave my resignation" in August 2013. I was out of work for two months before I found a new job....we also had to find a new daycare for our daughter.
Looking back, leaving was the best thing for me to do.....not only was it best for my M, it is also what I needed to do to put the A and XAP in the past.