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really confused R to D wavering

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Gottagetthrough posted 5/2/2014 08:54 AM

Wednesday my WH was very sweet and bought me an (overpriced) mother's day gift. If you had asked me then, I would say, "we are solidly into R"

Thursday, I was having a stressful day. I stopped Prozac several months ago, and I think I need to get back on. I am just grumpy and irritable and mean. I wanted to talk to WH about this and he was having a stressful day, and rejected me, "I cant talk, I need to be alone"

Today, I am thinking, "I dont care, he is never there for me when I need him. I want to pull the plug." I have been thinking how I can tell him, lets do this fast...

We went thru divorce (were were in the process for a year and it was almost all done when we halted the process. We were separated for almost 3 years-- 1 year was active, nuclear divorce (multiple court dates, $75,000, psych evals...etc) but two of those years we were going to therapy in the hopes of trying to R. Papers were withdrawn about a year ago, so, legally, we were in active divorce for over 2.5 years.

Im what keeps this family together, and seriously, i dont know if i want to anymore. its freaking EXHAUSTING. I am the only parent. Its like I have 3 kids.

aboyer posted 5/2/2014 09:36 AM

I have been feeling the same thing. I guess you need to think about what you want. I realize that for myself I am in the angry stage and every little thing pushes me to be mad at him. We have great weekends together then when he goes to work we fight seems like all the time. Or I fight all the time and he shuts down not wanting to fight. Our story is a little different since he left end of march for 3 days. I went to the lawyer for divorce and stopped it when he begged me to be back. I dont know how long you can take it but since mine just happened I still need time not to make any rash decisions.

sisoon posted 5/2/2014 09:41 AM

I read that you're lean towards R when your H says a few nice words and gives you a toy, and you lean towards D when he acts normally.

If I read you correctly, you're selling yourself pretty cheaply. You're worth a lot more than a few words and a gift. If I read you correctly, and I hope I'm not.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:42 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]

Gottagetthrough posted 5/2/2014 10:23 AM

you're selling yourself pretty cheaply. You're worth a lot more than a few words and a gift.

i think you are spot on. and its really sad. i agree, and i know im worth more. (and by Im worth more i mean I am worth a true, emotional relationship.)

I do disagree that this is H's normal behavior. I dont really know if he has normal behavior. i think hes just scraping to make it through the day. i think he has problems that are way out of my league,

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 10:25 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]

sisoon posted 5/2/2014 12:07 PM

For the record, I, too, see 'more' as a true emotional relationship.

Gently, what have you done to make the relationship into what you want? What's worked? What hasn't? How has your H responded well? Poorly?

Do you have requirements that are deal breakers?

You can control only you. Unfortunately, that means you're the one who has to act if you want changes in your relationship. Not fair, not esay - but....


Gottagetthrough posted 5/3/2014 11:27 AM

sage comments, sisoon. we have let kids and work and life get ahead of marriage. i haven't told him what i want or need...

update-- yesterday he came home and apologized (with no urging from me). we talked and i think we need to put family first more often. right now its last!

also, i think we need a MC session soon.

thank you for listening, everyone

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