1) The affair was 25 days of September. He says he wants to work on our marriage, yet lied to me about where he was Wednesday night (he wasn't doing anything that interesting and has an alibi). So, back to square zero on the issue of trust.
2) His business is wine. For a long time prior to the affair I was pissed about his drinking AND driving. We made an agreement last week that he would not drink and drive if I quit drinking completely. His end of the deal was not upheld a mere 3 days later (again, Wednesday). And, yet again, broken trust.
3) I neglected to mention that over a month ago he swore on our marriage that he would never drink and drive again. Recently he has failed that promise 3 times in 2 weeks. We cannot make "deals" or promises because they are not upheld. Our marriage vows, the biggest promise, broken. His promises "on our marriage" broken. How does a relationship exist when there are no rules to abide by?
4) We disagree about just about everything. He believes love is universal and we should love all of humanity. I believe love is restricted to people one actually knows. (I wish everyone the best, but I don't love my frigaine neighbor.)
We disagree on what brought us to September. I believe most of our issues have been alcohol-related. For example, he started his affair when he was hammered at a party and landed himself at her house. / We fought for over a year before his affair about his drinking and driving, which obviously pushed him away from me and allowed him to reason that him having an affair was okay since supposedly I no longer loved him because of the bickering./ Another example, our recent heated letsjustgetdivorved blowouts have been under the influence. / I'm no angel with alcohol, and have been physically aggressive twice (once a couple of years prior to his affair, and once about 5 months after the affair) after drinking heavily. So, I see a big portion of our crap being because of or directly related to alcohol. Yet, he doesn't agree, and believes that it's "the things within ourselves" that create these problems and alcohol is some sort of scapegoat. (Great, which means he is just a cheating, lying fool regardless of alcohol. Sure.)
If we can't even agree on how we got to September (he uses the ole midlife crisis cliche as his downfall), then how can we even begin to reconcile?
Another thing we disagree on is the definition of sex. He says giving someone a blow job is sex somehow, yet penetration via fist (sorry) is somehow not sex. I, obviously, believe differently.
P.S. He didn't penetrate her with his penis, so somehow to him and his family it should somehow be more easily forgiven.
5) A residing theme here is distrust. The other day I was emoting about how his love is meaningless and how I mistrust his love. He told me he "loved" her (after a mere 25 day affair, mind you) and then changed his mind about that. He told me then that he only loved me as the mother of his children, but then later claimed he loves me "profoundly". Our discussion before his lies and drunken behavior Wednesday was about my distrust of his love, and then he once again ADDS to it by making me mistrust his actions!
6) I'm SOOOOOOO angry. I put up with his treating me like crap during his affair and months thereafter, with him stating how he would never have remorse and then weeks later, magically on New Years, voila, remorse (staged remorse ?). New Years is, coincidentally, the moment I got PISSED. I was trying to hold our marriage together for months after the affair, biting my tongue, dealing with his behavior. On New Years I discovered a little self respect, and became very angry about everything (like having a postpartum period from birthing his third child that was filled with sadness from his affair and without help, etc.)
We could have several days that it doesn't come up and then BAM, something will trigger me or a thought will set me off and out comes the anger. And lately instead of saying he's sorry he comes back with comments about how I'm not perfect, either. Um, I have NEVER EVER lied and am honest to a fault. I've never cheated. Yes, I've been physically wrong to him twice, but I immediately felt remorse and he didn't have to drag it out of me. And I feel like my mishaps were alcohol related and without intent...meaning his lies, betrayal, and deceit were preplanned events with all knowledge of what he wad doing...mine, not deliberate, thought out events.
SO BACK TO MY REAL QUESTION: Is reconciliation truly possible with everything I have mentioned?