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Is reconciliation even possible...?

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tess0908 posted 5/2/2014 10:10 AM

1) The affair was 25 days of September. He says he wants to work on our marriage, yet lied to me about where he was Wednesday night (he wasn't doing anything that interesting and has an alibi). So, back to square zero on the issue of trust.

2) His business is wine. For a long time prior to the affair I was pissed about his drinking AND driving. We made an agreement last week that he would not drink and drive if I quit drinking completely. His end of the deal was not upheld a mere 3 days later (again, Wednesday). And, yet again, broken trust.

3) I neglected to mention that over a month ago he swore on our marriage that he would never drink and drive again. Recently he has failed that promise 3 times in 2 weeks. We cannot make "deals" or promises because they are not upheld. Our marriage vows, the biggest promise, broken. His promises "on our marriage" broken. How does a relationship exist when there are no rules to abide by?

4) We disagree about just about everything. He believes love is universal and we should love all of humanity. I believe love is restricted to people one actually knows. (I wish everyone the best, but I don't love my frigaine neighbor.)

We disagree on what brought us to September. I believe most of our issues have been alcohol-related. For example, he started his affair when he was hammered at a party and landed himself at her house. / We fought for over a year before his affair about his drinking and driving, which obviously pushed him away from me and allowed him to reason that him having an affair was okay since supposedly I no longer loved him because of the bickering./ Another example, our recent heated letsjustgetdivorved blowouts have been under the influence. / I'm no angel with alcohol, and have been physically aggressive twice (once a couple of years prior to his affair, and once about 5 months after the affair) after drinking heavily. So, I see a big portion of our crap being because of or directly related to alcohol. Yet, he doesn't agree, and believes that it's "the things within ourselves" that create these problems and alcohol is some sort of scapegoat. (Great, which means he is just a cheating, lying fool regardless of alcohol. Sure.)

If we can't even agree on how we got to September (he uses the ole midlife crisis cliche as his downfall), then how can we even begin to reconcile?

Another thing we disagree on is the definition of sex. He says giving someone a blow job is sex somehow, yet penetration via fist (sorry) is somehow not sex. I, obviously, believe differently.
P.S. He didn't penetrate her with his penis, so somehow to him and his family it should somehow be more easily forgiven.

5) A residing theme here is distrust. The other day I was emoting about how his love is meaningless and how I mistrust his love. He told me he "loved" her (after a mere 25 day affair, mind you) and then changed his mind about that. He told me then that he only loved me as the mother of his children, but then later claimed he loves me "profoundly". Our discussion before his lies and drunken behavior Wednesday was about my distrust of his love, and then he once again ADDS to it by making me mistrust his actions!

6) I'm SOOOOOOO angry. I put up with his treating me like crap during his affair and months thereafter, with him stating how he would never have remorse and then weeks later, magically on New Years, voila, remorse (staged remorse ?). New Years is, coincidentally, the moment I got PISSED. I was trying to hold our marriage together for months after the affair, biting my tongue, dealing with his behavior. On New Years I discovered a little self respect, and became very angry about everything (like having a postpartum period from birthing his third child that was filled with sadness from his affair and without help, etc.)

We could have several days that it doesn't come up and then BAM, something will trigger me or a thought will set me off and out comes the anger. And lately instead of saying he's sorry he comes back with comments about how I'm not perfect, either. Um, I have NEVER EVER lied and am honest to a fault. I've never cheated. Yes, I've been physically wrong to him twice, but I immediately felt remorse and he didn't have to drag it out of me. And I feel like my mishaps were alcohol related and without intent...meaning his lies, betrayal, and deceit were preplanned events with all knowledge of what he wad doing...mine, not deliberate, thought out events.

SO BACK TO MY REAL QUESTION: Is reconciliation truly possible with everything I have mentioned?

rachelc posted 5/2/2014 10:19 AM

I see a big portion of our crap being because of or directly related to alcohol.

nothing to reconcile unless this is under control for both of you. He's an alcoholic. You may be one too and a physical abuser.
Forget about the marriage for now. You both need to get healthy yourself!

tess0908 posted 5/2/2014 10:48 AM

Rachel, I've known alcohol to be a problem of mine. I gave up alcohol in October 2012 in order to contribute to saving our marriage. I strayed several weeks after his affair to numb the pain of everything he was doing and saying. I've recently decided, yet again, that alcohol is in fact causing undue pain.

He, however, doesn't think it has been a huge contributor to our problems. He likes to say that since he barely drinks at home and he has no physical dependence on it that he's in the clear. I truly don't believe that he is an alcoholic in the traditional sense, but I firmly believe he abuses alcohol. If his drinking (namely the driving part of it, and the sometimes not even bothering to come home or call part) disrupts his relationship it is because of his abuse of it.

My point is that I agree, we need to take care of ourselves. But, in the meantime, what do we do about the marriage?

karmahappens posted 5/2/2014 11:01 AM

IMO you put R on hold.

You both need to get into IC. Figure out your own issues, get a grasp on what you both need to heal from (the A obviously) are their childhood issues, any abuse? Deal with the drinking and dig there. There is a reason people drink and you both need to find out what you are hiding or running from.

He needs to get real and take responsibility for his A, he needs to be prepared to do the real work and stick to promises.

Right now it seems like you trust(ed) him enough to believe his promises, he would not drink and drive, he would be honest etc . etc.

Until he finds true remorse, sees his behavior for what it is and puts the needs of his marriage and wife above his child-ish impulses you cannot heal this marriage.

The way it is now, no, it won't heal. You can rug-sweep and pretend, but that's just an invitation to come back here in another year or two.

So simple, get IC start to heal yourselves as individuals. You are responsible for your healing only. He will either do it or he won't/ If you do it and he doesn't you will get to a point that to continue your life you will have to walk away, it will be natural for you when (if) it's time.

If he does step up watch his healing process, do not listen to or trust his promises, watch his steps. You will be able to see the changes in him that matter because you will be walking down a path towards healing as well. If he gets there then the 2 of you can enter MC and work on the marriage.

When you do enough work and come to the crossroad of R or S/D it will be easy for you to make the healthy choice for you.

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