Im a WS (multiple A's ended and NC began Jan 10 this year). I have hurt and soul destroyed my beautiful and loving BS in intricate and nuanced ways that I could never even have imagined and that are still surprising me. I am floored each and every day at just how much of a monster I have been.
Despite these facts, this breathtaking woman has been working at R with me for the last 4 months. We have had the expected non linea experience so far with severe peaks and troughs, and up until about 3 hours ago, we were somewhere around what I would call a peak. But then she triggered. And this one was bad. Really really really bad. Questions flowed, memories tortured and things were said to me that would normally send me emotionally inwards, cowering.
I am now sleeping in the guest room. A step that up until now, we havnt taken. I have never seen my BW look more dead in her eyes or more ready to let everything go and just kick me out. The point is, this is the most pain I have seen her in to date. The tears were the hardest to watch, the anger was the hardest to face and her eyes were the least familiar they have ever seemed in 10 years.
I am scared shitless that this is the beginning of a realisation on her part that we are unreconcilable and that we may be on the brink of separation. At the same time I know my responsibility now is to remain strong and sturdy by her side while she goes through this and I do not want to appear weak.
Please if you have any advice, anything that could help me. I love this woman far beyond what I ever thought possible and certainly beyond the selfish cowardly shit ive pulled. I need to show it more than ever now.
[This message edited by theseseatsRtaken at 10:45 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]