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ForeverBlue posted 5/2/2014 10:39 AM

DD was 12/26/2013. Blindsided and devastated. I've followed all the advice. Went to my doctor, got checked out, got some AD's for the anxiety and panic attacks, retained a lawyer, filed for D, have separated and gone NC, getting IC and check SI for support and advice. No I didn't want this mess and drama thrown onto my life and didn't want to D. But with her showing no remorse whatsoever along with constant lies and blaming me for her A, she is still in her A, still in fantasyland, and nothing I've done has woken her up. She's completely in her fog, checked out and all gone.
Meanwhile, I think I've done all the right things to combat this assault by detaching, going NC, filing for D while working every day on repairing the damage done to my heart, body and mind.
But even with doing all the "right" things, I ride the rollercoaster having some okay days and some bad days. I know it gets better and I know I'll be okay but today is one of those days where the frustration with the whole situation is laying heavy on my heart. So, I guess this is a vent today for me. Its gloomy and raining outside and its raining in my heart too. Damn this shit is hard sometimes isn't it??

norabird posted 5/2/2014 11:21 AM

((((ForeverBlue)))

As much as it sucks to be in the middle of the ride, you're handling this really well. You will be able to disembark one day, and in the meantime, you ARE healing.

Have you done any reading to help you process things? I loved Steven Stosny's 'Living and Loving After Betrayal'.

dmari posted 5/2/2014 11:42 AM

(((((ForeverBlue))))) You won't realize this for a while but the fact that you did ALL that you HAVE DONE thus far, will serve you well. One day soon, you will be able to reflect back and say "Damn. When I was in that shitstorm, I was able to do what I had to do to process, grieve and heal in a healthy way." Yes, this shit is really hard. It will be hard for a while and soon the roller coaster dives won't jerk you around AS much. Feel the rain in your heart today ~ don't minimize, don't sweep it under the rug ~ feel it and remember to be gentle with yourself today. Take care!

ForeverBlue posted 5/2/2014 12:47 PM

Thank you so much for the hugs and support today guys.
Sometimes I do get some clarity and know what I am doing are the right things and must press on although it is just so counter to my emotional connection to my lost marriage. It's hard to do the right things when you feel so wronged and are given no other options.

suckstobeme posted 5/2/2014 13:05 PM

You're right, friend. It's insanely hard. Your DDay was also quite recent and you've come a long way since that time. When you are stronger, you will look back and wonder how you hung on during the eye of this storm.

I found it all so hard not only because your entire way of life has shifted, but because you know that you will never feel that sense of "normal" or "security" as you knew it again. That's what got me. I remember when this all happened and I thought to myself, "Oh my God, I'm not going to feel better for a long, long time." I knew in my heart that I was going to have to hunker down and there were going to be some pretty dark days ahead. That was true.

At the same time, I was able to peek out every once in a while and see myself behind the sadness and stress. Every once in a while there a big spontaneous belly laugh with tears streaming down my face. Or, there was a true moment of joy when I was spending time with my kids.

Those days will come for you. As time passes, they will come more and more and then you will look back and you won't recognize yourself anymore. I know that my core is the same - a lot of me is still the same old suckstobeme. But, there is a big piece of me that's changed gone and it's never coming back. That can be really hard to process. Getting knocked off that path is not a blip on the screen - it's life changing and it takes a while to find your balance again.

The point is, it will happen. Just be kind to yourself. I used to love the rainy days because it was a great excuse to sit by the fireplace, drink a glass of wine, snuggle with a blanket, and do nothing but read or watch mindless t.v. Everyone likes to stay home in the rain or the cold. It's a good excuse to hibernate and just feel the feelings.

You're not alone.

ForeverBlue posted 5/2/2014 13:15 PM

Thanks "sucks". I am letting the day, my feelings and the rain wash over me today. I appreciate your insight into this ride I never wanted or was prepared for.
dmari? if you read my profile you'll see my WW's AP is a cop. Before the A she appeared to have morals and a decent core. Obviously it was a mask. But I'm wondering what it is with LE types that make it okay for them to protect and serve but at the same time get involved with married women and have affairs. I mean, you assume cops know right from wrong but WTF?? Is this common practice within LE?

justinpaintoday posted 5/2/2014 13:30 PM

Sorry brother. I share your pain.

ForeverBlue posted 5/2/2014 13:43 PM

Thanks brother. It just seems to be an "ouch-y" type of day. Thanks for being here. It helps.

LeftOutintheCold posted 5/2/2014 14:15 PM

(((ForeverBlue))) I do feel your pain. It sounds like you've done everything you're supposed to do for yourself under the circumstances. Unfortunately, there is not much we can do about the rollercoaster ride except to hold on tight!!! Just take care of you today.

ForeverBlue posted 5/2/2014 15:17 PM

Thank you "left out". I appreciate the hugs and words of support. It sounds like we both got blindsided out of the blue. Boy that really makes the world tilt out of balance huh? I guess when the world starts spinning we just have to hold on tight. Thanks for the advice today. It helped.

Areukiddingme posted 5/2/2014 18:56 PM

ForeverBlue, my H is a cop and his AP was/is (cause who the hell knows what to believe anymore) a social worker. Yeah, I thought their jobs were to help and protect families too. They're just as screwed up as anyone else though. Sounds like you are riding this roller coaster as good as anyone could expect. I read all these forums because I haven't figured out where I belong yet. I applaud you for standing up for yourself. Hang in there, it's got to get better.