Forever blue but forever wiser
As much as it sucks to be in the middle of the ride, you're handling this really well. You will be able to disembark one day, and in the meantime, you ARE healing.
Have you done any reading to help you process things? I loved Steven Stosny's 'Living and Loving After Betrayal'.
I found it all so hard not only because your entire way of life has shifted, but because you know that you will never feel that sense of "normal" or "security" as you knew it again. That's what got me. I remember when this all happened and I thought to myself, "Oh my God, I'm not going to feel better for a long, long time." I knew in my heart that I was going to have to hunker down and there were going to be some pretty dark days ahead. That was true.
At the same time, I was able to peek out every once in a while and see myself behind the sadness and stress. Every once in a while there a big spontaneous belly laugh with tears streaming down my face. Or, there was a true moment of joy when I was spending time with my kids.
Those days will come for you. As time passes, they will come more and more and then you will look back and you won't recognize yourself anymore. I know that my core is the same - a lot of me is still the same old suckstobeme. But, there is a big piece of me that's changed gone and it's never coming back. That can be really hard to process. Getting knocked off that path is not a blip on the screen - it's life changing and it takes a while to find your balance again.
The point is, it will happen. Just be kind to yourself. I used to love the rainy days because it was a great excuse to sit by the fireplace, drink a glass of wine, snuggle with a blanket, and do nothing but read or watch mindless t.v. Everyone likes to stay home in the rain or the cold. It's a good excuse to hibernate and just feel the feelings.
You're not alone.
You can see more of my story on my blog here: http://thatcraftylunchlady.com/?p=833
"Never give up hope and let time heal you"