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Did I overreact by canceling this date?

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mixedemotions posted 5/2/2014 14:54 PM

I met a guy at speed dating last week. We stayed after the event and talked for about an hour. We talked throughout the week too - daily texts, two nights of phone conversations.

During the week he said for me to be thinking of which night I'd like for him to take me out this weekend. I thought it was a little strange that when I told him most of my plans were for daytime so it could be any night, he responded by saying he actually might have his son's lacrosse game Saturday or maybe Sunday. So...if your schedule is limited why did you say it was up to me? I didn't mention that, just let it go and he said we'd pick a night soon.

Yesterday he asks if I want to go to lunch today. I felt a little miffed that an offer of an evening date had now become afternoon, but since we'd never really made official plans I said ok. I figured maybe his weekend schedule was too busy for a date or he wanted to feel things out with lunch first before making an evening plan. I had a late morning appointment and told him I could probably meet around 1 or 2. He said that would be perfect bc he'd be out of town just for the morning and would be driving back in. He asked what area I'd be in and said he'd let me know where we could meet.

At 12:50 he texts a restaurant option. I was so surprised, I thought it was rude he waited until so close to our meeting time. I didn't answer for a few minutes because I was getting my thoughts together. He sends another text saying he's heading that direction and will be there in about 30 or 45 mins.

I responded that it didn't feel right to me that he'd waited so long to text, so I was canceling. He responded that he understood the sentiment (his words) but was really looking forward to seeing me today, that he'd overslept and gotten a late start on his morning trip and that he knew my appointment wasn't over till 1.

I hadn't said my appointment was done at 1, I said we could meet at 1 or 2. It was by text, so it's not like he could have heard me wrong. I ended up not answering because I didn't like where this was headed. The weird excuse and changing my words around felt like I was in for a strange discussion if I let it go further. If you got a late start on your morning and you think it might impact your plans, wouldn't you text the person you have plans with so they know in advance? I'd been losing interest and was turned off by the last minute lunch instead of dinner plan anyway.

At first I felt like I was doing the right thing, but now I'm wondering if I'm actually being too intense or too harsh. Did I overreact?

thyme2go posted 5/2/2014 15:36 PM

IMHO - yes, you did. One needs to be flexible when dating as usually both people are nervous and not thinking clearly.

Newlease posted 5/2/2014 15:45 PM

I think maybe you could have handled it a little differently.

Maybe you could have responded to his 12:50 text with something like this: "I already made other plans for lunch as it was getting so late. Maybe some other time."

That would teach him that your time is valuable and if he really wanted to get together he would be a better planner in the future.

If you aren't comfortable with last minute plans, that is not a bad thing. You have a right to be given a little more thought than he gave you.


Crescita posted 5/2/2014 15:46 PM

It does seem a bit of an overreaction, but I also get very frustrated when things are left open ended or until the last minute because sometimes things don't get firmed up completely, and then you start wondering if you have plans at all. I'd say next time just take a bit more charge in finalizing plans if you are feeling uncertain.

As for which day of the week, afternoon or weekend, that you might be reading into a bit too much for a first date.

little turtle posted 5/2/2014 16:16 PM

You said you could probably meet around 1 or 2pm. Him texting you a bit before 1pm and letting you know he will be at whatever restaurant in 30-45 minutes fits the time frame that you gave him.

I agree with the others, if you want more definite plans, then set more definite plans. Rather than saying "any night this weekend is good," say, "Friday night would be great" or whenever it is that you'd like to do something with him. This way, definite plans are made and it doesn't look like you're always available. It also gives you time to make other plans with other people.

Perhaps you could see if he's up for dinner Saturday or Sunday? If you're still interested in him. Who knows, maybe he wanted to see you for lunch today to make dinner plans for the weekend?

cmego posted 5/2/2014 16:20 PM

Well, the bottom line is that you were uncomfortable and I always think you should trust your gut. If you gut told you this was wrong…it was wrong. You don't need to justify it at all.

I can *see* where there might have been some mis-communication, but I'm with you, if he knew his plans were going to be pushed back, he could have clarified them with you.

I"m not crazy when the schedule gets switched around because my schedule is tight. I need plans to be made in advance and there is little wiggle room.

It may be that he is simply "looser" than you are, which probably means you would end up driving each other crazy anyway...

Dreamboat posted 5/2/2014 17:53 PM

He may have misread your message and thought you said that you were only available days.

But I do think it was inconsiderate of him to text you so late.

Maybe he is a flake or maybe he is really bad with time. Since you felt an initial connection with him then maybe give him another chance. But if your gut is screaming, then maybe not.

norabird posted 5/2/2014 22:41 PM

I don't think you were overreacting, really. If he liked you so much--and he did seem to--then he should have, you know, made real plans and either stuck to them or communicated when they changed. He should be putting his best foot forward and he didn't. That says a lot about him and I get why you got a weird vibe from it. If he feels bad about it, apologizes and tries to plan something else, you can entertain it, but no harm in trusting your gut.

Sad in AZ posted 5/3/2014 08:37 AM

I'm firmly in the over-reaction camp. You expected a lot from someone you'd just met and talked to for an hour. He kept reaching out and your reaction to everything was negative.

I'm glad you're reexamining your reactions.

million pieces posted 5/3/2014 09:15 AM

I too think that you overreacted, but I'm a pretty loose schedule type person. Now, I'm not a chronically late person, but I get panicky with too much preplanning. My brother is even worse, thus we have a tough time getting our families together, much to my mom's frustration. I would drive you crazy

better4me posted 5/3/2014 09:44 AM

something I read recently resonates with me. The first few months of dating should be about "discovery" not "decision" making. By his late confirmation of a lunch date, you gathered a little more information about this guy. What his behavior may mean (i.e.he's inconsiderate, he is tardy, he is busy, he is not a planner, he didn't know any better)is not known. It could be something that is a deal breaker, it may not be. You just don't know. And the onlyway of knowing what it means is to spend some time with him.

I think some times we (all of us IRL and here on SI) are too quick to judge other people's actions. We say " (fill in the blank) is a deal breaker" or "they are inconsiderate" when we don't really know anything about the person's motivations or patterns etc. You think this guy may be too wishy washy about date planning, but you don't really know why he acts the way he acts, or if it is a pattern, or if it really will drive you nuts, etc.

I think saying "I hadn't heard from you this morning, so I made other plans for lunch" would be a thing to practice if this happens again, with this guy or someone else. If you're still a little bit interested in him, it would be a fine idea to invite him out to lunch "sometime" next week.

(Dating sucks, doesn't it? )

wonderingbull posted 5/3/2014 17:08 PM

Dating at our ages is a full contact sport....

I've put myself in his shoes and if I got your responses to my reaches and suggestions I would have nexted you....

Dating is an adventure but it's not a game...


mixedemotions posted 5/3/2014 17:42 PM

Wow this is really eye opening, thanks for all the feedback!

SAZ and WB - I'm confused, what do you mean about my reactions and responses being negative and next-worthy? I'm not having a lot of luck and I'd love to hear more about what I'm doing that gives an impression I don't realize I'm giving.

From my perspective, he asked what night I'd like to go out and I said any night. Then he asked if I wanted to have lunch and I said yes and told him which times would work. I'm not sure I understand what I did wrong.

This is what I was thinking in terms of feeling turned off...

I'd like to be asked on a date further in advance than the night before. I'd also like to know what restaurant and what time earlier than 30-45 mins before. In my mind, he was being somewhat disrespectful and wasn't making me feel very special.

I definitely agree with the discovery process, also that neither person should expect too much before really knowing each other, but we'd talked after speed dating, had two phone conversations, and lots of texts throughout the week...each time I've been the one ending the conversation after about an hour or so. To me, that's enough to want something with a little more thought to it than what I felt I was getting.

But, I wonder if I'm expecting too much?

asurvivor posted 5/3/2014 18:25 PM

Preface: I was married to a very demanding, jealous, inflexible woman so I sometimes read into these things more than is there so take it with a grain of salt but I too read some negativity and a small amount of entitlement in your post. It was just a post and just the way it read in my mind so don't be upset.

Yesterday he asks if I want to go to lunch today. I felt a little miffed that an offer of an evening date had now become afternoon, but since we'd never really made official plans I said ok.

I'm sure I'm wrong but this is what I mean by entitlement. Why would this miff you off?

little turtle posted 5/3/2014 20:37 PM

I'd like to be asked on a date further in advance than the night before.

If you want him (any guy you are interested in) to ask you out on a date earlier than the night before, then don't accept a date with such short notice. I didn't accept any dates for the weekend after Wednesday. Plus, I was only available to date every other weekend. If someone wanted to do something with me, he better ask sooner than later and be sure to follow up with me so I know he's still planning to do xyz with me. If not, I'll find something else to do.

I'd also like to know what restaurant and what time earlier than 30-45 mins before.

Did you express this to him? "Sounds great. Let me know by (whatever time you think is acceptable) what the plan will be." From what you posted, it doesn't look like he thought you needed to know sooner than the time he texted you where lunch was going to be.

Have you read the book, "why men love bitches"? I used some of her advice while I was dating. It helped me to not get too attached too soon and to stand up for myself. You're treated the way you allow yourself to be treated.

Have you talked with him since you cancelled the date?

norabird posted 5/3/2014 21:26 PM

Hm. Since you want more advance notice, I think you're going to have to have less of an initially people-pleasing response of being open to anything at all when you actually have something more specific in mind. Are you putting on an attitude of more flexibility than you really want in order to be nice?

InnerLight posted 5/4/2014 00:11 AM

Well, the bottom line is that you were uncomfortable and I always think you should trust your gut. If you gut told you this was wrong…it was wrong. You don't need to justify it at all.

I agree with this.

I'd like to be asked on a date further in advance than the night before. I'd also like to know what restaurant and what time earlier than 30-45 mins before. In my mind, he was being somewhat disrespectful and wasn't making me feel very special.

I would also feel uncomfortable. Half the fun of a date is the anticipation but when you don't know where and when all you are doing is wondering what's the plan instead of getting excited. I stopped dating a nice man who set up dates like this guy even if he was an otherwise pleasant companion.

I did let him know I feel relaxed and excited when he lets me know the plan in advance, that I feel less special and uneasy when it's last minute. Even tho I was clear, he was the way he was and I stopped seeing him when this pattern didn't shift.

My SO knows how to make a dating plan and it's great. So much more fun and relaxing for me.

Let a guy know you enjoy dating a man who can make a plan. Say what you don't like. And what makes you happy. You can help a guy out that way so he doesn't flounder.

You could have said, Thursday night, a drink at x place would be fun. Then he would have more of a clue what plan he should make. You were vague, which meant that he needed to take charge of the situation and for whatever reason he couldn't.

I don't think you overreacted but you could have helped him out a bit to make a plan that would make you happy.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:22 AM, May 4th (Sunday)]

Dreamboat posted 5/4/2014 12:05 PM

I also saw some negative reactions to his advances. Whether you expressed them to him, even in a subtle way, or just were venting her I don't know. But these statements are negative:

I thought it was a little strange

I felt a little miffed

I thought it was rude

I responded that it didn't feel right

I didn't like where this was headed

was turned off

All of those are negative statements. If you feel so negative about this person then do not contact him again. But if you do not really feel negative about this person but are more generally a sensitive person, then you need to turn your negative thoughts around.

About the lunch, I don't know why you did not suggest a place to eat since he was coming to your work area and you presumably know what is around there. You are making him do all of the work and then reacting in a negative way when it is not exactly what you want.

I also think there is a miscommunication issue here. At some point you told him "most of my plans were for daytime" but you were available nights. He responded that he was not available during the day on an upcoming weekend. This makes me think that he thought you meant that you WANT to make most of your plans for the day. And then for the lunch plan you said "I had a late morning appointment and told him I could probably meet around 1 or 2". He interpreted this to mean that you were in a meeting until 1. Perhaps he did not text until 12:50 out of courtesy to not interrupt your meeting. My point is that people communicate in different ways and people interpret statements in different ways. And it is very easy to miscommunication via text or email because you cannot hear the other person's inflection and you cannot see the other person so it is difficult to "read" what they really mean.

Just think of the different things that the question "what?" can mean
- I did not hear you
- I hear you but did not understand all of the words
- I heard you but don't understand the what you mean
- I heard you but I can't believe you said that
- Oh, I heard you are right but you must be fucking kidding!!

5 different meanings for a single word. When you are standing face to face with someone it is usually pretty clear the meaning they are trying to convey. But if it is a text, it could be any of those so what the texter meant may be completely different than what the textee interpreted.


Helen of Troy posted 5/4/2014 17:22 PM

Your first post you mentioned you were losing interest. So in answer to your first question would be no. Why reconsider a date with someone who you're just not that into? Why concern about whether you overreacted? Well if you are not interested and feel you were rude then apologize to him for your reaction while not opening the door to more dates.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/5/2014 11:20 AM

I think this guys' problem is a whole lot of disorganization with his social calendar, and a devil-may-care attitude about changing plans at the last minute or making plans at the last minute - and both without knowing his actual schedule.

While he's a bit scatterbrained and disorganized, I definitely see why you'd feel totally disrespected or devalued. I've felt the same way in the past.

Honestly, you really need to talk instead of this incessant texting. It's so obvious that it's NOT working for you guys. Someone needs to pick up the phone and call the other so you can have an actual conversation again.

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