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willm029 posted 5/2/2014 15:53 PM

I am so glad that I found this forum. It has been very hard to get support that I need from people who have not experienced this pain. D-day was 04/28/2014 at 9:00 PM. I found emails to the OW on my kindle. He was writing them while I was laying in my bed and he was downstairs watching TV. I confronted him and he lied and lied and I asked him to leave. He came back one hour later and told me that he had an affair with his co-worker and it had been physical for the last week and emotional for several weeks before that.

Its hard to think about anything more than one day right now. He had an emotional affair last fall and I thought we were working through all the reasons he did that. The OW is married and I tried to tell her husband but I am sure that she got the messages before he did and blocked me from his FB account.

We have no kids and I living in the house alone right now while he is at his parents. I started IC this week and he will start next week. We have been married almost three years, together for over 8 and known each other for 10. We were each other only's everything and I feel so hurt that he was able to just give it away to someone else. I am tempted to go out this weekend and do whatever I want but I know that's not the right thing for me right now.

I am sad, alone, upset, scared and most of all broken. Just not sure how other couples can work through this when there has been a history of past behavior. Is it worth saving? I don't know right now.

He said he ended with the OW on Tuesday and that he will do anything to save our marriage. He said he loves me. I don't understand how he can say he loves me if he did this to me.

[This message edited by willm029 at 3:58 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]

CantSeeInTheDark posted 5/2/2014 16:00 PM

Hi
I would love to be able to give you some advice, but I'm a newbie here too. My story is similar in that you've found out about more than one OW.

There will be lots of people on here that can share their advice and experience, having reconciled or separated.

Listen to their posts and keep posting back. Their support has really helped my the last few days.

CantSeeInTheDark posted 5/2/2014 16:01 PM

Sorry-duplicate post

[This message edited by CantSeeInTheDark at 4:01 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]

tfkeel posted 5/2/2014 16:55 PM

I don't understand how he can say he loves me if he did this to me.

I didn't, either. Love is not synonymous with depraved indifference. Love is not what puts self in front of others.

Her statements about "loving" me were not very loud in comparison to her actions. Her actions were speaking far louder.

Just not sure how other couples can work through this when there has been a history of past behavior. Is it worth saving? I don't know right now.

You will not know right away whether your marriage is worth saving.

It is only my opinion, and I'm not any kind of professional, just a guy who got cheated on, that affairs which end IMMEDIATELY upon being found out, and in which the wayward spouse completely "owns" his behavior and is contrite, can continue and find restoration.

Those which continue for days and weeks and months following discovery ? Forget about it. Move on.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 5:06 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]

krsplat posted 5/2/2014 17:11 PM

He said he loves me. I don't understand how he can say he loves me if he did this to me.

This is the millon dollar question as far as I'm concerned. I have not yet heard a satisfactory answer, which is why I am still stuck.

Please don't believe what he has told you about the A until you are able to verify it yourself. Many WHs lie and minimize at the begining, and the truth trickles out over time. Likewise, don't believe he has ended with the OW until you watch him send her a very clear brak-up message with your own eyes.

Your pain is very new and raw. You cannot be expected to make any good decisions right now. Just focus on taking care of yourself: get some sleep. TylenolPM works for me. Eat healthy food. Read alot on here, and post, and read some more. The "Healing Library" on the home page has ALOT of very helpful stuff. Find someone to talk to in real life, a friend who will not spread your secrets. Get yourself to counseling so you can start to make sense of the crazy.

I am sorry you are here, and sorry you are feeling so hurt and broken. There are alot of kind and helpful people here who will have good advice for you and who will help you feel better. Many hugs to you, willm029,

willm029 posted 5/2/2014 18:08 PM

Thank you for all the comments. It has really been helping to know that I am not alone in this.

I am struggling with wanted to sit down and talk to him but I also want to make him suffer by not allowing him to see me.

Howie posted 5/2/2014 18:28 PM

This is terrible trauma.Wait, take it as easy as you can as your body mind simply deals with it. Nothing too radical.Talk to him as much as you need and can bear and that goes too for the truth quota- as much as you need and can bear. Not everyone that cheats is a rat, they are human, flawed,selfish - and you were never going to know so they weren't trying to hurt you (their version). Over the next few weeks you may see, depending on your heart and his- his actions, remorse and manifestation of reform-you may see the relationship can be saved--and is worth saving. If he is treating you decently now, wait and see.The pain now is too great to think rationally- and him too, a shock;he has to adjust to the truth as out.
Don't despair, the worst is not now- it was when you were living in deceit.Courage!

tfkeel posted 5/3/2014 09:19 AM

Not everyone that cheats is a rat, they are human, flawed,selfish - and you were never going to know so they weren't trying to hurt you (their version).

I believe both of these things are true.

People do get caught up in the thrill and the "strokes" the affair brings them. There's not only the brain chemicals, there's the excitement of the clandestine meetings, etc.

Some people have no intent to hurt their partner at all. They cheat just because of how it makes them feel.

The days and weeks following discovery, however, tell the entire story about the cheater. All people are human, all people can be selfish. However, "flawed" is another matter.

"Flawed" is indicated by what the cheater does when he is discovered.

If he can look in the face of the pain and devastation he has brought on his spouse and his children, and continue his affair, he is "flawed",
meaning that he lacks empathy and doesn't care about his family to a sufficient degree to moderate his own behavior to avoid hurting them.

I like this analogy. I like to shoot guns. I like sporting clays, target shooting, etc. I get very good feelings from doing it, it is one of my favorite hobbies.

However, because of the danger and the hurt guns can cause to others and the property of others, I confine my shooting to areas which are designed and dedicated to allow shooting.

People who shoot in other areas, where people live, where people have other activities, are "flawed".

I decided that I would not be married and have a continued sexual relationship to such a person. That if, I knew "then" what I know now, the words "I do" would have not come from my mouth.

At that time, my belief system was very different. I was a church victim, believing that God's "perfect will" was for me to remain married, forgive her, etc. So I stayed in the physical home, lived in the same house, however, the marriage itself was quite over, and so was the real, spiritual "home" it could have brought to the children.

In retrospect, Dr. Phil was right when he said "children would rather be from a broken home than live in one".

My kids would have been better off with one parent who was trying to live a decent and good life, than with both parents, where one of them was "flawed" and bringing a completely ungodly influence into the home.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 9:32 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)]

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