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Update and/or vent on the Cray Cray of my Divorce!

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sleepless34 posted 5/2/2014 19:06 PM

Hi all,
I have not posted in awhile, which probably means I am getting a lot better. It has been 8 months since Dday and the separation, and I am still in the fuckery of the divorce proceedings.

I have gotten to a nice place of apathy about what a complete, clueless, halfwit loser he is and I am not sad about him. I would rather eat my own eyeball than be with his pathetic flabby ass again. I am trying to get a job and start my new life, and deal with the aftermath now.

My STBX has been fighting me all along on parenting time.He is also being a huge douche about the money.

He thinks he is "entitled" to 50/50 cutody and that is not the law here, it is maximizing time with each parent in the best interest of the children, yada, yada, yada. This idiot was having an affair with a whore he met online at Ashley Madison for over 1.5 years and then finally told me upon my return from vacation with our children last summer. I was done.

As one would expect, he was pretty checked out in regard to the kids and family prior to the divorce, but now his version of history is that he has been an exemplary father. His history of poor decision making and reckless behavior during the A leads me to a definitive "Um No!"

So, he hired a total jackass as a lawyer. This guy looks like a charactiture of a lawyer, or a lawyer who would go on the bachelor and talk about what a hard ass lawyer he is, but that he really has a big heart...douche is an understatement.

Most recently he filed a temporary order alledging all kinds of garbage about alienation, and withholding, and demanding his 5-2-2-5. This was stupid, given he already has EOW, 1 weekday night and one afternoon, a decent plan in place now for awhile and I support the kids and their relationship with their father despite what I think of him. We had to file a response, and it was ROCK STAR awesome. It made them look so, so stupid and litigious and like they were wasting the courts time.

We had our first court meeting, the 30 min status conference. 10 minutes before it, they tried to settle by offering some even more complicated version of 5-2-2-5 but every other week. Um, still NO! When the judge came in, his baby lawyer couldn't stop talking, and talked himself into a hole about the temp order request, saying that "he practically has equal time now, they are just alleging some serious claims about his parental fitness, just to get an extra couple of days." DUH. Why do you need a temp order if you "practically have equal time already" DUH. The judge slapped their hands on that one, and I could tell he could see right through all their crap. There are no winners in this, but if there were, it was me that day.

We made a counter offer, they sent back their same offer again. It was so contentious, he wants to drop kids on the curb and not allow the other into eachothers residences without express permission, no first right of refusal, all kinds of douchery to try and show me WHO IS THE BOSS, none of which is "in the best interest of the children." I am not even raging mad anymore, I just think he is delusional and sad and pathetic and bat shit CRAZY.

Okay, here is what I have to say to anyone in an earlier stage than me, facing an ugly legal situation. DO NOT BACK DOWN. Get a damn good lawyer, and don't let the other side intimidate you. That has been baby lawyers strategy all along, to try and bully me, and get me to believe he will win so I will cave. Because of all his legal bullying, we are now asking that he pay my lawyer fees.

Everyone has been telling me, "oh, it is a 50/50 state, you might be wasting all this money and get nothing." The lawyers and the pc's and the therapists, and of course the father's rights groups, are all buying into 50/50 as an assumed default, when it simply is not the law, and not the way it all goes down here in this state.

If you know you are doing the right thing by your kids, you have a solid rationale, and it is not about you or any revenge or whatever, then you should go for it and not back down. You need to get all the facts, and know the laws, and all the factors involved, and then fight. Looks like this asshole is going to try and drag me into an ugly, contentious trial because for some reason he is so very angry at me for all the lying and cheating he did, and for some reason wants to punish me. FTG. I am at peace with it, and I am playing defense, and I think I am going to win!

BTW, totally not saying 50/50 is bad in other situations, or anything about Dads vs Moms, just not good for our family situation so please don't blast me for discrimination!

FTG, and the baby lawyer he rode in on.

Klove posted 5/3/2014 07:00 AM

I just want to thank you for this- I sorely needed it right now.
My lawyer just finished drawing up papers and sending them off to his. I'm on edge waiting for the blast fall-out from the parenting plan I'm fighting for.
I'm a people pleaser/codependent (duh- probably why I put up with his bullshit for toooo long and I'm scared that as soon as I get blow back from him, I'll fold. Although, I've explained this to my Lawyer who is a bulldog and will support me through your words are heard and appreciated.
I have spent many hours taking a good long hard look at myself- alone and in IC asking myself if my parenting plan is for myself or to punish him.
When our boys were born, we were both big on stability and routine. We are the kind of family who has rules, bedtimes, etc. My job allows me to get our kids at 4:00 pm which gives them an hour after school to chill or do homework or practice their instruments before supper at 5/530. My stbx would get home around then if at all and that would give us the rest of the evening to be together as a family and the kids a decent bedtime. This type of schedule was important to us both and was possible because of me. The kids knew the routine and thrived.
As the years went on, his work travel increased and increased. The only reason the kids had any consistency was me. Now when he has them, he can sometimes pick them up super early and then other times 2 mins before after school care closes. When my boy got sick earlier this month, stbx freaked because he couldn't rearrange his work to stay home with him. I get it- he is in sales and had appts booked for months. But I can stay home as much as I need to. So guess who did on his days? Me.
My point is- my fighting is about provided the kids the stability they deserve and are used to with a home base. We tried a version of 2-2-3 this past month and no offence to you who follow, but I think it's bullshit. The kids are exhausted, confused, clingy, and transient. This is what he wants and it's not in their best interests. He states he demands 50-50 so the boys understand that he is their father and that he has not given up on them like his own father abandoned him. Does that sound like their best interests at heart?
I agree the boys need their Dad and I am more than willing to be flexible about him seeing them when he can. By all means, take them out for dinner or for a bike ride or to karate. But bring them home to their home base for bed so they don't live out of a frickin' suitcase.
This is not about punishing him or serving my own best interests- it's about THEM.
And I will NOT back down for THEM!
Thanks for the mojo.

tesla posted 5/3/2014 11:04 AM

FTG, and the baby lawyer he rode in on.

You sound strong and like you've got a strategy with the kids' best interests while he sounds like he's throwing a mantrum.

sleepless34 posted 5/3/2014 11:50 AM

Good for you. Sounds like similar psychology playing out with your stbx and mine. Someone told me that some of these guys think that unless they get equal parenting time, they aren't actually an equal parent, as if the number of nights the kids sleep over is how to measure that....very literal.If it isn't right for the kids, then it isn't right period. SOmetimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

My stbx also was abandonded by his Dad, and I believe that his fight for the 50/50 is his way of NOT being his Dad with respect to the kids, even if he is being his DAD with respect to his marraige. I also believe it is ALL about him, not at all about "best interests of the children."

Work with your lawyer to develop your story, that YOU have their best interests as primary and he does not, use history of poor decision making and reckless behavior (if that is the case) use his crazy schedule and lack of consistency, and get any proof you can that the back and forth is bad for them- any illnesses, evidence of stress, behavior changes, grades, etc.

I think I will get my way on this, but I am at peace with the fact that I may not. I know I will regret it though, if I don't fight for what is best for my girls. PM if you want! I am on this.

AlwaysTooNice posted 5/3/2014 12:31 PM

Thank you so much for posting this. I'm in the beginning stages of the same path, it seems. It's refreshing to see another mom who is standing up for her kids even when it looks like revenge to the opposing side.

My STBXWH was always too busy to be home before 8-9pm (on an early night), well after our son was fed, bathed, and in bed. (Now I know that he wasn't actually at work.) For some reason, he now thinks he "deserves" 50/50 custody because "it's only fair." Ugh!

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