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How do you know what a healthy sex life is?

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nekorb posted 5/2/2014 20:48 PM

I'm sure this will be addressed with my IC, but I wanted to ask y'all as well.

When you've basically had a dysfunctional and unhealthy sex life your entire adult life, how do you what is and is not normal?

For instance, one of the things I really didn't like about our sex life was WH's incessant need to talk about it afterwards. Did I like it, was it good, what should he do differently, apologies for not meeting HIS standards of what he thought should be happening (I had no complaints on the physical side of things, etc.

I always thought there should be some cuddling and "I love you" and...idk...life goes on? Talking about other stuff while all cuddled up or whatever, just not the incessant talking about the sex. I mean, seriously, We've been together for 20+ years, he knows what I like! It hasn't changed!

that's just one example.

I'm still married right now (hopefully wont be by summer's end)and nowhere NEAR ready to be in any sort of relationship. I just know this is going to take me a long time to sort out, so I'm asking some questions.

thanks.

worried_lady posted 5/2/2014 21:02 PM

What is this sex you speak of???

I probably shouldn't try to help

TrustedHer posted 5/2/2014 21:13 PM

Ummm...

One person's incessant need is another person's reminiscing...

My enjoyment of sex is to a certain degree dependent on knowing I've done my part to please my partner. Yes, there are definite signs I can read along the way. But I do want to know if there are things I should do more, or less, or differently. So I ask.

Probably too much.

But the motivation is her pleasure. Ok, my ego gets a kibble or two when she says it was perfect.

"No complaints" is not the same as "Please don't change a thing you do".

nekorb posted 5/2/2014 21:44 PM

my ego gets a kibble or two when she says it was perfect

ok - but if she says it's perfect do you bask in it? Or do you argue with her about it and tell her all the reasons she shouldn't have enjoyed it or the reasons it was not as good as she thought it was? That's usually what would happen. (serious question, btw)

I often described it to him as us being on the coolest amusement park ride ever, getting off and me saying to him, "That was AWESOME!" and him responding, "...meh...".

It would just totally deflate the mood/excitement/afterglow.

This was not on occasional occurrence, it was most of the time..

kg201 posted 5/2/2014 21:50 PM

Nekorb, that sounds weird. Arguing over your view of enjoyment sounds like maybe he was projecting. I have come to the realization that all of those years my X was telling me how much I didn't want to be in the marriage was really her telling me what she was feeling.

kg201 posted 5/2/2014 21:55 PM

Oh...and to answer your original question. I don't think there is one way to answer what a healthy sex life is. Each couple needs to develop that on their own. However I think it starts with each person being able to say what they like from sex, and have the other person be receptive/open to that, but also be able to state boundaries and have those boundaries respected. It's trial and error with respect.

TrustedHer posted 5/2/2014 21:58 PM

ok - but if she says it's perfect do you bask in it? Or do you argue with her about it and tell her all the reasons she shouldn't have enjoyed it or the reasons it was not as good as she thought it was? That's usually what would happen. (serious question, btw)

Bask. Smile.

inconnu posted 5/2/2014 22:19 PM

some reassurance is healthy, imo. what you're describing nekorb, doesn't sound healthy, and obviously you know that or you wouldn't be asking.

I think what is healthy for a couple is best defined by the couple, together. But a big part of it is both people feeling like they're being heard, and that it's not all about one person.

norabird posted 5/2/2014 22:36 PM

I think you will know it when you find it. By how much you feel safe and cuddled and happy afterwards instead if deflated and stressed. By how you feel so much better about it than you did with your ex.

LearningToRun posted 5/4/2014 21:09 PM

Someone on here, and I appologize that I can't remember who it was, said that selfish cheaters make selfish lovers.

I thought our sex life was good, because it was multiple times a week, but he was always dissatisfied. Wanted more of things that he wanted and it wasn't a mutual activity.

Funny thing was, I didn't realize it was dissatisfying until I encountered an unselfish lover.

O. M...G..

What a treat. Someone concerned to please me. Someone who makes it feel like a loving expression. Wow.


So, sometimes you just can't know until you experience it.

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