I've always been very strict about that with my own self. I do not look at men that way, I'm married.
Hopefully in a few months I won't be married anymore (so sad to hear myself say that.... )....I think it's going to take actual EFFORT to allow myself to think of other men that way without feeling like I'm cheating or doing something wrong. I haven't been available to do that in 25 years!
Are there baby steps involved in this process? Is it easier than I think?
I have no interest in a relationship right now AT ALL, but I figure when I'm officially divorced, I need to start somewhere.
Some baby steps:
-observe who's in the room or around you.
-make eye contact with new people, especially men.
-maybe even say "Hi!" or smile.
-something that I still have a hard time with... look around when you're sitting at a red light. check out who's next to you.
Maybe it was easier for me because I wasn't married long, but those are some things that I did to become more comfortable with the idea of "checking out" other guys.
So I started making eye contact and giving a very faint smile when I was on the train and caught looking in someone's direction while they were looking in mine, instead of turning away as I was accustomed to. It was enough to break my own mental ice and start to bring those walls down.
It took me a while to lose that. But I did, and it happened before I was ready to look at men again. I remember posting about it here in NB, freaking out because I had realized the guy at the store was saying hi to me not just to be nice, but to try to start a conversation.
Then a while after that, I noticed a guy in one of my classes was good looking. It was like "hallelujah, I'm not dead!" But I still didn't have any desire to date.
When I first starting chatting with my SO, I was sure it was because I just wanted to be friends with him. He was smart and witty, well-spoken. His intelligence was obvious. I honestly didn't recognize how interested I was in him, as something more than friends.
Don't overthink it. It's okay to take baby steps. It's okay to move at your own pace. Once you're divorced, the place to start is with yourself. Create the life you want for you, and if the right guy comes along, he'll fit into that life. And you won't feel like you're cheating.
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 11:32 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)]
It has been a process to start lowering those "I'm married" walls. I remember the exact minute when I realized I wasn't dead or married any more.
I've been divorced 2 years now. Still not ready to date, but I'm opening up to people more. Smiling. Chatting. The walls are coming down brick by brick. I'm probably slower than others with this stuff, but I'm still moving forward. You will, too.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
Sidenote: I DO believe there are really great guys out there -- many of them are on SI under "I can relate --- betrayed men". So,,, I'm going to believe that rather than most guys are like my XH,, I choose to believe most are NOT like my XH.
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
The whole "I'm not dead, wow!" thing has already happened to me, and it kind of scares me because while I've never thought I was very attractive, I live in a foreign country where my racial "type" is considered something of a commodity, exotic and special, so even while married I always attracted a lot of attention here. Now, with the finalization of my divorce only days away, it's kinda scary to realize that it will be like open season (like deer, you know?) once I take off the wedding ring. I may find it hard NOT to date at first, just from temptation and opportunity.
All the same, I know that the word "rebound" exists for a reason and it would not be kind to do that to someone, so I should wait and hope also that my silly hormones calm down a bit. It's like I'm stinking 13 years old again...
Actually what started me thinking was how WH was able to do all that flirty texting so easily. I don't even have any concept of that!! Don't think I have ever been a flirt in my life.
I know I won't want to jump into anything any time soon. But wonder if I will even know how to act if someone shows interest. Yup, I've been in the M mode forever and not sure if I will ever not give off that "taken" vibe.
It's definitely a scary thought for me. I've always been so thankful that I was married and didn't have to worry about dating in this day and age.
Thanks a lot you colossal asshat.
I've already been hit on by someone half my age when I started bawling when he asked me how long we had been married. I was LIke...dude...NO. That's clearly the abbreviated version of the story.
But it was like, shit, really? Is this is what my life is going to be? Guys half my age hitting on me while they are working in my home?
The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed
It didn't really take effort for me, it took acceptance and forgiveness and facing of the fear. I think it is a process, like everything else in this journey, and it happens when it is "supposed" to happen, you just have to realize it will be okay when it does. You get to decide how to act on that realization.