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Hurt or pride

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deena posted 5/3/2014 02:49 AM

I am working on other accommodations to start this separation I want. That I need.

Yet when WH is out of town now, where his other business is, where I suspect another affair happened. With his secretary. He knew too many personal stuff about her as a new secretary and I saw emails that were too personal. Like betting on loser buying lunch. And when I confronted him on emails she leaves the job abruptly and WH stops going there as often.
So now he is there again for a few days and even if I have no feelings left for him why does this bother me?
Is it painful memory or pride that he is cheating still before we actually are living apart.

Caretaker1 posted 5/3/2014 08:06 AM

Both. Mine was in a committed relationship within 8 weeks of filing and then texted me how they are going to get engaged. Crazy. Fuck them these folks are nuts.

SBB posted 5/3/2014 18:41 PM

I'd say both too. Once I stopped lying to myself it was like all of the 'little' things I ignored over the years all hit me in the gut at the same time.

I felt so stupid, humiliated, hurt and so very betrayed. In a lot of ways I felt these things toward myself too.

Do not expect in S/D what you didn't get in your M. Remember he is further along this road to detachment than you are - they got a big head start on us.

I couldn't believe that he didn't even mourn the loss off his wife, his M and his intact family. I now see that that isn't a measure of my worth but of his.

One has to have a good heart in order for it to be broken. Black hearts don't really love so it follows that they also don't break.

The sooner you are out of his space and out of this crazy-making quicksand of his the sooner you'll stop focussing on what he is doing and you'll be able to focus on your future.

I spent so much time wondering what the hell he was doing and getting hit in the face with all of the lies I'd ignored for so long that I barely spent any time thinking about me and my future.

justinpaintoday posted 5/3/2014 19:35 PM

I here you 100%. My WW are going through D and she still has not moved out (end of May). It is almost impossible to detach. If I disconnect she gets upset which then upsets the kids (a situation I will not allow). So I play nice.
I understand how u cannot just turn off all those years of emotions, protections and concerns. This makes you normal. Not a desensitized cretin like these waywards.

nekorb posted 5/3/2014 19:37 PM

I couldn't believe that he didn't even mourn the loss off his wife, his M and his intact family. I now see that that isn't a measure of my worth but of his.

Well said.

For me it's not pride, just straight up hurt at the disrespect and disregard for my feelings or the kids' feelings or our family. Fucking pisses me off.

crazynot posted 5/4/2014 01:31 AM

All of it is familiar to me (although we never did in-house S, just in-house lying and false 'R'). But it DOES kind of tell me that affairs are different from healthy relationships. What other kind of relationship allows you to shut off your feelings of empathy, kindness and responsibility towards others? These people will have to live with that, buried deep inside perhaps but still there, for the rest of their lives.

deena posted 5/4/2014 03:20 AM

Sorry to hear that caretaker. Getting a text like that is like the knife twisting.
And exactly this SBB

I felt so stupid, humiliated, hurt and so very betrayed.

And I am realizing that I feel worse being still attached to him with the house. It feels so painfully frustrating trying to find a house
Justinpain my emotions have been turned off, but yes maybe not concerns and protections or like nekorb says
the straight up hurt at the disrespect

crazynot I don't think my WH is capable of a healthy relationship. He still doesn't think his many months of infidelity is called an affair and he still always says that it isn't ALL his fault for our problems.

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