SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

BrokenButTrying posted 5/3/2014 04:06 AM

For those who haven't read my thread the other day in R, BH had a panic attack on Wednesday night while out with friends. It was so severe that he lost consciousness and was convulsing on the floor of the club. There was a paramedic there who checked him over, his HB was 144 even after he had calmed down.

BH has now admitted that he is suffering from very bad anxiety and possible depression.

BH's coping mechanism, life long and for the A, is to wall up, shut everyone out and not talk about anything. This goes against all of my own coping mechanisms (I'm a talker!) and anything ever written about coping with infidelity. However, at BH's request, I have been trying to let him do this in his own way, giving him space and not talking about things. Evidently, his coping mechanisms are not working and I'm seriously worried about him and his health.

Last night I sat down with him to express my concern. I know only too well that I am the last person he wants to hear that stuff from (he angrily told me that too) but I'm the only person he has right now. I explained that I wasn't telling him what to do that he had a choice. I explained that there are small children sleeping upstairs who need their father alive and well and that I want him to look after himself, I love him and care about him.
I don't think he is unwilling to make decisions, I think he can't. He is completely paralysed by pain and fear.

The other week he told me to decide whether we R or D because he couldn't. I explained I had already made my choice and I am fighting for our marriage and our family.
Last night he told me to book him an IC session because it was 'obviously what I wanted', I said C doesn't work like that, he has to want to go. He told me that if I don't book him an appointment he will never choose to go under his own steam.

I am completely torn. As it was pointed to me on the other thread, BH has every right to let the anger and the pain eat him up. He can self destruct if he wants to. I cannot stop him doing that.
He said he would go to IC if I arranged it for him but I'm not sure how much help it would be if he doesn't want to attend and is only going because he feels I'm making him. But maybe he does want to go and can't ask for help, especially from me. Or maybe he would find it helpful once he's actually there?

The last few weeks have been good between us, he was saying he loved me and we had lots of very intimate connected moments, cuddles and affection. Letting his guard down a bit seems to have triggered him and this week has been awful for him.

I want to support him but I don't know how and neither does he.

BrokenButTrying posted 5/3/2014 04:12 AM

He also told me last night that he's only ever anxious when he's around me. Everyone else, friends and colleagues, all think he's happy and doing fine because he doesn't tell them anything.

I'm not sure how true this is. He had the panic attack late on Wednesday evening and I hadn't seen him since Tueday afternoon.

I'm not sure what to make of that. Is he putting on a front for everyone else and only being himself around me? Or is he actually ok and I'm like a dead weight around his neck?

wifehad5 posted 5/3/2014 05:16 AM

Are you in MC?

BrokenButTrying posted 5/3/2014 05:23 AM

No. We're just over 4 months out from Dday. We went to a few MC sessions immediately after Dday but decided it was too soon. I've been in IC since then. BH said he wouldn't find it helpful.

wifehad5 posted 5/3/2014 05:28 AM

The reason I asked is that sometimes having a relationship with a counselor already can help. It sounds like the MC you saw wasn't a good match, so that won't help.

BrokenButTrying posted 5/3/2014 05:33 AM

She was great, we had three sessions with her as a couple. Even BH said he liked her but he just wasn't ready for MC back then. She's my IC now and because I've been with her for four months by myself I think it would be conflict of interest for BH to see her?

I still don't think BH is ready for MC. He needs to heal himself before he can think about the M.

yearsofpain25 posted 5/3/2014 05:58 AM

Hi BBT. I'm familiar with the other thread you opened. I know I don't have the popular opinion on this but will share anyway....

I don't think he is unwilling to make decisions, I think he can't. He is completely paralysed by pain and fear.

I don't think he can either which, IMHO, I think is why you should go ahead and do book the appt for him. I get that others say you should give him space, you can't force him to go, he needs to figure this out on his own.... I used to be a lot like your H. My coping mechanisms failed me too. Turns out my anxiety/high blood pressure is related to my PTSD. I probably would never have gone if my wife didn't confront me on it and if I hadn't seen the effects that my health started to have on my family. That's what got me to go. Trust me, I'm about as stubborn about this stuff as they come and I used every excuse in the book not to go for 25 years. But it started to get very dangerous for me...and in turn for my family.

I say if he's unwilling to fight for himself, that you fight for him because that's what his family needs. IMHO this is an act of love and as such let him know that he should feel that this is a loving gesture.

This putting up walls and being paralyzed has now taken a turn for the worse. This is NOT about controlling him and making him do things. His physical well being is in jeopardy and, as I saw in the other thread, I believe that something as final as a possible death outcome has to be dealt with if he is unwilling.

Only being anxious around you is not true. His episode where he went unconscious proves that. Where will it happen next? While he's driving? Any other dangerous place?

IMO, if he's unwilling, take it out of his hands. True he can say you made him do it, but maybe that's what he can use as an excuse to still look tough in front of everyone else. Maybe that's what he's looking for? An excuse to hang his hat on to tell others.

BrokenButTrying posted 5/3/2014 06:22 AM

I'm always thanking you, YOP but you make so much sense!

I think I'll speak to my IC on Tuesday about it, there is a lot of counsellors there so I'll see if there's one who she think will be suitable for BH.

HobbesTheTiger posted 5/3/2014 07:57 AM

Hi. I fully agree with what has been said. I think he is open to the idea of seeking help via IC, but in his current state it's easier for him to rely on you to help him arrange everything with the IC etc.

And perhaps his apparent reluctance/disinterest/saying "if that's what you want" are all signs of his issues, and perhaps this way is making it much easier for him than if he had to outright say "I want IC" and to take it upon himself to arrange it.

Lastly, even if there's some true reluctance left, that is completely normal. I wasn't completely sold on IC before I started going. Whatever the case may be, it seems the situation has deteriorated to the point that it's better to nudge him/"hold his hand" as he goes there, than to wait any longer.

Btw, as someone who dearly wishes he had gone to IC much sooner, preferably when I was very young, is there any chance the kids could attend some sort of counselling (perhaps in the form of play etc.)? If that's already been talked about, I apologize.

Best of wishes to every single one of you.

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/3/2014 08:00 AM

BBT this is a no-brainer! WTH are you waiting for? Read between the lines FFS. He does want to go, he's just too proud, or shy, or stubborn to admit it. Who cares what the reason is? Book him into IC!

Maybe 4-5 months in, BH spent an entire weekend in bed, depressed, and I felt so helpless. I asked him if he'd take my IC appointment the next day. He agreed. A couple sessions with her really helped him.

yearsofpain25 posted 5/3/2014 08:46 AM

One more recommendation, if you can, book him to a "no nonsense" type of C. Someone as stubborn and as proud as he is, and like I am, need someone to tell us to cut the shit and this is what we need to do. Every time I try and get out of an IC appt my C gives me the cut the shit speech and makes me book the f'n appt. I love her and hate her for it at the same time. But I get to use the excuse well so and so forces me.

See how that works?

I just used that excuse with my boss yesterday.

BrokenButTrying posted 5/3/2014 09:21 AM

A suff aside, BH is the most stubborn man I know. So I think you're all right, that part of his personality is playing a huge part here.

I also think, because I have suggested IC in the past, he doesn't want to go and find out it helps because he doesn't want me to say 'I told you so'. I never would, I just want him to heal.

Hobbes - our children are really tiny and don't know what's going on. I think our eldest, who's just turned five, would benefit from some counselling. He doesn't know BH and I are separated but I think he knows we're both sad. BH is against the idea so far and I don't want to go ahead without his say so, I just keep bringing it up every few weeks.

BrokenButTrying posted 5/3/2014 09:24 AM

I definitely think he needs a 'cut the shit' C! Someone to really motivate him to heal.

That sounds horrible but I KNOW BH doesn't want to feel like this.

yearsofpain25 posted 5/3/2014 09:29 AM

You can do this BBT. Rooting for the both of you more than ever!!!

BrokenButTrying posted 5/3/2014 10:47 AM

I know that IC will be the start of his healing. Once he starts healing he will be able to decide whether to R or D.

If I'm honest, that scares me. But I'm ready for either outcome. I know I have no control over it and all I really want is for BH to be happy.

All I can do is be there for him and hope.

SpotlessMind posted 5/3/2014 16:53 PM

BBT, I agree with everyone else--book him an appointment. Sometimes as a BS, you feel so overwhelmed that putting one foot in front of the other is a challenge. Researching and setting up an IC appointment might be beyond him right now. It might not even be stubbornness, but depression--that can wreak havoc with your motivation. Either way, he's open to it, and it sounds like therapy is something he desperately needs.

As for the anxiety--I have that as well and yes, often it's worse around my husband. A couple months ago,, it got so bad that my IC was concerned enough to suggest separation for my well-being. Luckily it didn't come to that, but I won't lie and say that the anxiety wasn't worse around my spouse, bc it absolutely was. But my IC also helped me with techniques to address and work through the stress--hopefully your husband's can do the same for him.

Finally--you mentioned convulsions. That raises my concern that your husband might have had a short seizure vs. a panic attack--was that ruled out?

I am also rooting for you guys--best wishes that IC helps.

BrokenButTrying posted 5/3/2014 17:09 PM

Thanks SM :)

We are currently separated but see each other pretty much every day because of how young the children are and BH is very involved. Right now, they are the only constant, stable thing in his stormy hell. I can see the difference in him when he is around them so I encourage him to see them as much as possible. Unfortunately that means being around me more but I know when to make myself scarce, doing housework, have a a bath or run errands.

He saw a paramedic at the club. Apparently panic attacks at their most severe can lead to convulsions, there was no concern it was epilepsy though because it was just his legs and head rather than his whole body. In a former life before my children arrived I was an epilepsy nurse, if it happens again I'll know for sure and can act accordingly.