BH has now admitted that he is suffering from very bad anxiety and possible depression.
BH's coping mechanism, life long and for the A, is to wall up, shut everyone out and not talk about anything. This goes against all of my own coping mechanisms (I'm a talker!) and anything ever written about coping with infidelity. However, at BH's request, I have been trying to let him do this in his own way, giving him space and not talking about things. Evidently, his coping mechanisms are not working and I'm seriously worried about him and his health.
Last night I sat down with him to express my concern. I know only too well that I am the last person he wants to hear that stuff from (he angrily told me that too) but I'm the only person he has right now. I explained that I wasn't telling him what to do that he had a choice. I explained that there are small children sleeping upstairs who need their father alive and well and that I want him to look after himself, I love him and care about him. I don't think he is unwilling to make decisions, I think he can't. He is completely paralysed by pain and fear.
The other week he told me to decide whether we R or D because he couldn't. I explained I had already made my choice and I am fighting for our marriage and our family. Last night he told me to book him an IC session because it was 'obviously what I wanted', I said C doesn't work like that, he has to want to go. He told me that if I don't book him an appointment he will never choose to go under his own steam.
I am completely torn. As it was pointed to me on the other thread, BH has every right to let the anger and the pain eat him up. He can self destruct if he wants to. I cannot stop him doing that. He said he would go to IC if I arranged it for him but I'm not sure how much help it would be if he doesn't want to attend and is only going because he feels I'm making him. But maybe he does want to go and can't ask for help, especially from me. Or maybe he would find it helpful once he's actually there?
The last few weeks have been good between us, he was saying he loved me and we had lots of very intimate connected moments, cuddles and affection. Letting his guard down a bit seems to have triggered him and this week has been awful for him.
I want to support him but I don't know how and neither does he.
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
I'm not sure how true this is. He had the panic attack late on Wednesday evening and I hadn't seen him since Tueday afternoon.
I'm not sure what to make of that. Is he putting on a front for everyone else and only being himself around me? Or is he actually ok and I'm like a dead weight around his neck?
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
I still don't think BH is ready for MC. He needs to heal himself before he can think about the M.
I don't think he is unwilling to make decisions, I think he can't. He is completely paralysed by pain and fear.
I don't think he can either which, IMHO, I think is why you should go ahead and do book the appt for him. I get that others say you should give him space, you can't force him to go, he needs to figure this out on his own.... I used to be a lot like your H. My coping mechanisms failed me too. Turns out my anxiety/high blood pressure is related to my PTSD. I probably would never have gone if my wife didn't confront me on it and if I hadn't seen the effects that my health started to have on my family. That's what got me to go. Trust me, I'm about as stubborn about this stuff as they come and I used every excuse in the book not to go for 25 years. But it started to get very dangerous for me...and in turn for my family.
I say if he's unwilling to fight for himself, that you fight for him because that's what his family needs. IMHO this is an act of love and as such let him know that he should feel that this is a loving gesture.
This putting up walls and being paralyzed has now taken a turn for the worse. This is NOT about controlling him and making him do things. His physical well being is in jeopardy and, as I saw in the other thread, I believe that something as final as a possible death outcome has to be dealt with if he is unwilling.
Only being anxious around you is not true. His episode where he went unconscious proves that. Where will it happen next? While he's driving? Any other dangerous place?
IMO, if he's unwilling, take it out of his hands. True he can say you made him do it, but maybe that's what he can use as an excuse to still look tough in front of everyone else. Maybe that's what he's looking for? An excuse to hang his hat on to tell others.
I think I'll speak to my IC on Tuesday about it, there is a lot of counsellors there so I'll see if there's one who she think will be suitable for BH.
And perhaps his apparent reluctance/disinterest/saying "if that's what you want" are all signs of his issues, and perhaps this way is making it much easier for him than if he had to outright say "I want IC" and to take it upon himself to arrange it.
Lastly, even if there's some true reluctance left, that is completely normal. I wasn't completely sold on IC before I started going. Whatever the case may be, it seems the situation has deteriorated to the point that it's better to nudge him/"hold his hand" as he goes there, than to wait any longer.
Btw, as someone who dearly wishes he had gone to IC much sooner, preferably when I was very young, is there any chance the kids could attend some sort of counselling (perhaps in the form of play etc.)? If that's already been talked about, I apologize.
Best of wishes to every single one of you.
Maybe 4-5 months in, BH spent an entire weekend in bed, depressed, and I felt so helpless. I asked him if he'd take my IC appointment the next day. He agreed. A couple sessions with her really helped him.
See how that works?
I just used that excuse with my boss yesterday.
I also think, because I have suggested IC in the past, he doesn't want to go and find out it helps because he doesn't want me to say 'I told you so'. I never would, I just want him to heal.
Hobbes - our children are really tiny and don't know what's going on. I think our eldest, who's just turned five, would benefit from some counselling. He doesn't know BH and I are separated but I think he knows we're both sad. BH is against the idea so far and I don't want to go ahead without his say so, I just keep bringing it up every few weeks.
That sounds horrible but I KNOW BH doesn't want to feel like this.
If I'm honest, that scares me. But I'm ready for either outcome. I know I have no control over it and all I really want is for BH to be happy.
All I can do is be there for him and hope.
As for the anxiety--I have that as well and yes, often it's worse around my husband. A couple months ago,, it got so bad that my IC was concerned enough to suggest separation for my well-being. Luckily it didn't come to that, but I won't lie and say that the anxiety wasn't worse around my spouse, bc it absolutely was. But my IC also helped me with techniques to address and work through the stress--hopefully your husband's can do the same for him.
Finally--you mentioned convulsions. That raises my concern that your husband might have had a short seizure vs. a panic attack--was that ruled out?
I am also rooting for you guys--best wishes that IC helps.
We are currently separated but see each other pretty much every day because of how young the children are and BH is very involved. Right now, they are the only constant, stable thing in his stormy hell. I can see the difference in him when he is around them so I encourage him to see them as much as possible. Unfortunately that means being around me more but I know when to make myself scarce, doing housework, have a a bath or run errands.
He saw a paramedic at the club. Apparently panic attacks at their most severe can lead to convulsions, there was no concern it was epilepsy though because it was just his legs and head rather than his whole body. In a former life before my children arrived I was an epilepsy nurse, if it happens again I'll know for sure and can act accordingly.
