The good:
I feel like we've made great strides in the two-weeks-that's-felt-like-two-months since. I'm reading ravenously about healing. We're learning the love languages. I've been hyper-aware of my own faults, particularly
listening and really hearing what the other person is saying. I even ordered a few books on listening skills. I've been writing my thoughts and feelings down more often and sharing them with my BW. I've told her to read what I posted here, I've sent her texts, I've left little notes on her pillow about how sorry I am and how I believe in us, I've gotten her a card from the store.
She's thankful and expresses her appreciation and says "I hope you really mean what you said". I guess that's all I can hope for so far. It was her birthday yesterday and I got her/us concert tickets to a lesser known band she really loves a couple weeks from now. She was very appreciate and it gave me a warm fuzzy inside to see her smile and laugh about it.
The not-so-good:
My sons grades are slipping. He stopped caring about his school work. He hasn't been respectful to adults. He gets in trouble at school more.
I left him little notes in his room too that said positive things like "I love you" and "I believe in you" and "Everything will be OK" and he ripped them all up without reading them. He felt bad after and left me little notes my office that said "I love you too" etc, so I did feel better after that. Felt like crap initially though.
For BW's birthday she wanted to go sit at a bar by herself and read her book and drink beer or wine. So I drove her there and picked her up. The last time she was there it was girl's night out, one of whom was her friend and my AP (i.e. double betrayal). The last time I played chauffeur, some dude staggered over to the car, stuck his head in the window and kept telling me what a lucky man I was to have such a great and beautiful wife. That was late in the evening and clearly the guy had a few too many. Super young and stupid, like early 20's, more annoying than anything else.
Anyway, that bar is probably the last place I'd want to go to because AP's H (a.k.a. my friend) always wanted to go there with me. My initial sentiment was sarcasm: Why drink at home when you can drink in public uncomfortably at 3 times the price? I eventually agreed to go but it never happened, I guess because I stomped all over his initial dreams for us to go there together.
So I dropped BW off, she sat for a while, called me to come get her, she hadn't had too much and she said it actually was a really nice relaxing time. So. Ok.
Then she told me she got some messages from AP's H wishing her a happy bday and asking how she was. I said "I thought you were removing/unfriending him". She said, "I am, but not just yet."
As you may or may not remember, he's an alcoholic and sent her a picture of his third beer of the evening or whatever. She agrees that nothing good is going to come from a continued friendship with him and says she's going to remove him. So we'll see. Kind of closure for me to have them completely gone. It was a toxic dysfunctional friendship regardless of the A. They already had the unceremonious exchanging of the house keys and items we had left at each other's houses. So, really, I don't need to hear about him, or them, or how he's doing, or how she's doing, or what he's doing, or what she's doing, or how the kids are going to be doing, and I told her the longer she keeps him as her friend the harder it's going to be later. He's the other BH; they have that in common. I get that. So, do I let it go? Assume she's gotten rid of him, or will soon enough?
So we got home and she tells me she doesn't want to be sober. I asked her if that would be a good idea and explained that the booze might make her angry or something and she might rage at me and say hurtful things or something. But I knew that friday and saturday night's we always spent time drinking with this couple and those nights have become her triggers, so she asked me to get her another beer and that she wanted to be left alone and so I went to sleep on the couch. I couldn't fall asleep and then I woke up several times.
Of course, I also had a bad dream/nightmare last night about this friend. BW, he and I, were together somewhere. It really doesn't matter where, but long story short BW wanted to talk to him. I didn't want to be there. I tried to leave. He grabbed my arm. I told him to let go of my effing arm or I'd kick his effing ass. He was angry, and rightly so, but I was shaking with rage. I just wanted to be left alone. It was a lot like what he'd do when we'd drink together. He'd initiate drunken fighting/karate with me, trying to punch me or get me to defend myself and he'd always say "You know, I'm not scared of you".
So in my dream that's what he said: "I'm not scared of you". And I broke free from his grasp and kept moving away. He followed, grabbed my arm again, and again I'd tell him: Don't make me kill you etc. That went on for several minutes. He's angry, I'm angry. Then eventually he breaks down and starts to sob and tells me "I can't be mad at you" (which also would happen in real life. He'd drunkenly say "I can't be mad at you. I like you!"). So back to the dream he then sobs "We're supposed to be friends.". I said: "I don't see how we *can* be, I'm sorry. It's for the best that we're not." Or some such. And then I woke up.
So now, it's a new day and the sun is shining and anything can happen. What am I going to do today to prove my love and commitment to BW? What am I going to do today to be a better person? What am I going to do today to help heal my son?
I feel like I'm in a boat drifting out to sea, watching the land fall away. Every new day brings me farther away from the people, the confusion, and the horrible selfish person I was.
The sky is a perfect blue, maybe a few wisps of clouds. Some gulls. A gentle breeze. Warm sun on my skin. That's the challenge; finding that place of peace when things seems out of control.
I know I'm trying my best and doing the best I can. That's all we can ask of ourselves. I did bad things. I was a bad person. I made very bad choices. Now I'm doing good things. I'm trying to be a good person every day. I'm trying to make good choices. The ocean that is the rest of my life stretches off into the distance. There is a lot of time left to make the most of.
Thanks for reading :)
[This message edited by SelfishHusband at 10:13 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)]