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PenitentMan posted 5/3/2014 10:30 AM

Hopefully you didn't click on this post looking for super hot XXX action, but if, like me, you had/have a big problem with porn and/or masturbating, and maybe that helped contribute to your dysfunction, I wanted to share this compelling post I found about it:

I went cold turkey on d-day, about 2 weeks ago, and aside for a very brief, and uh, incomplete setback I haven't given in to any of my urges, and those seem to be less now, quite frankly.

Anyway I *have* felt more motivated to fix things and accomplish things. I don't know whether it's because of this or because I feel great having no more dirty sordid secrets.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:35 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/3/2014 14:03 PM

Seriously SelfishHusband, you thought this thread title was a good idea? On SI? Where people are struggling with sex or porn addictions, or BPs who are devastated by their WPs' sex or porn addictions look at this forum?

Insensitive, to say the least.

BrokenButTrying posted 5/3/2014 14:17 PM

Good grief. How is it I have only noticed this thread?

I seriously worry about the title triggering the BS of SA waywards. I know your intentions were good, SH but perhaps ask if the mods can change it.

PenitentMan posted 5/3/2014 14:21 PM

Ehhh, true, me being one of them. Another example of menot thinking. It doesn't appear I can edit the title though, or delete and repost for that matter

PenitentMan posted 5/3/2014 14:25 PM

I asked to have the subject changed...

wifehad5 posted 5/3/2014 14:26 PM

PM for you SelfishHusband

sunnyrain posted 5/3/2014 16:35 PM

I don't see the problem? This is the WS forum. If we can't be ourselves here, where are we supposed to go?

SH, glad to hear you are making progress. Good for you!

BrokenButTrying posted 5/3/2014 16:41 PM

Because BS read in here and the title might be a trigger for someone.

Vent threads or subjects which might be a trigger for BS usually have a warning in the title so that they have a choice on whether to view or not.

jo2love posted 5/3/2014 16:51 PM

***Posting as a member***

Selfish,
I think your title is fine based on it being something you are struggling with. If this post had pics and whatnot that would be different. When I was a new BS, I stayed out of this forum (didn't even open this forum) when I joined because it was triggery. It's good to hear you are working on yourself and have no more secrets. Sending you strength.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:55 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)]

annb posted 5/3/2014 17:12 PM

I'm a BS, and I don't see a problem with it. A BS has a choice to venture into this forum or not, ANY topic could be triggery for a BS.

I actually thought it was a post about HB.

I'm glad you are motivated to continue on this journey to an authentic life.

PenitentMan posted 5/3/2014 17:50 PM

I guess I was trying to be a little tongue-in-cheek about something that I myself have had a problem with. That's just my personality I guess. Know that I didn't do it to offend anyone. I had good intentions but it was insensitive regardless. I did mean well and I did asked for it to be changed and I hoped it would be changed by now. My apologies to all offended.

wifehad5 posted 5/3/2014 18:24 PM

Wayward Spouses working on their issues is the purpose of the Wayward forum. They should not be censoring themselves for fear of triggering a BS. There's even built in protection (the Stop Sign) if they want to use it.

SelfishHusband,

If you want the name changed, please respond to my PM.

Everyone else,

Let's stop discussing the title and start discussing the content.

tryingmybest2011 posted 5/3/2014 22:17 PM

For what it's worth, I also thought it was a HB thread.

RippedSoul posted 5/3/2014 22:43 PM

I'm the BS of an SLAWH. The title caught my eye (obviously, or I wouldn't be responding here) but didn't offend or trigger me. The world's too full of pornographic/near-pornographic images for a few words to trigger me, unfortunately. Walking through the mall or watching commercials on TV is far worse.

Anyway, kudos to you, SelfishH. Keep up the good work!

painfulpast posted 5/3/2014 23:33 PM

SelfishHusband, as a BS, I think it's nice of you to want to share something you found helpful. Many of us have a WS affected by porn to some degree. I really appreciate you sharing this find with others.

Thank you

SorrowfulSoul posted 5/4/2014 00:04 AM

So my question is porn ever not bad? If not bad, when is porn Ok and when is it too much? I don't like porn, don't want to watch porn, don't want to be asked to watch porn. My BH does look at some porn online and has JO to it. Is that OK? Is it OK in a marriage where both partners are aware of porn use and are fine with it? BH has basically said doesn't matter where you get the appetite as long as you come home to eat.

We have three grown daughters who are in their 30's. What if they worked in a strip club or in porn movies. What does my H think of someone staring at them, getting their jollies and JO thinking of them. All sex workers, no matter what they do, are someone's daughter, someone's sister, cousin or mother.

I have a difficult time with this. Because I am the wayward spouse, nothing in my BH's mind is a bad as committing adultery which I agree is horrendous. I had actual, physical sex many times in a LTA and how can that compare to looking at porn. If I mention anything about porn use, I am shut down immediately, so obviously it is OK in his mind.

He does not use a lot of porn, I would say not addicted in any way, but I do not feel that it is OK. Is this not an infidelity in itself, or am I just looking at some excuse to take the pressure off of me? This is not new, my adversion to porn.I was recently away for a week, helping a daughter with a new baby and while I was gone, BH looked at porn and JO twice. What are other's opinion on "recreational" porn for lack of a better word? Is there such a thing as recreational?

determinata posted 5/4/2014 02:19 AM

Well I will say this: I get that the title is supposed to be funny, ironic clickbait. But if my SAWH clicks on this thread title, it constitutes acting out, period, and he would need to be held accountable.

So now this thread, which is about sobriety, is both a temptation to a sex addict; a trigger to (some) betrayed spouses and a violation of many people's definitions of outer circle / verboten behaviors--just because of the title.

Congratulations on your period of abstinence, SelfishHusband.

[This message edited by determinata at 2:22 AM, May 4th (Sunday)]

KBeguile posted 5/4/2014 17:57 PM

Congratulations on the abstinence, SH.

That said, I've found that my strongest impulse/demotivator is the realization that my creativity -- one of the few things I really do enjoy about myself and the expression thereof -- has a big tendency to suffer when my mind is hooked into pornography. No porn = lots of creativity that I can share with loved ones.

That's helped me on more than a few occasions, and I'm up to counting months now!

determinata posted 7/15/2014 13:46 PM

SH,
Just wondering on how your abstinence is going. Best wishes.

DrJekyll posted 7/15/2014 13:56 PM

Personally I am coming up on my 1 year anniversary of being porn free. I looked at porn 2-3 times a week. Taking care of my business and did this for years. I only have urges that peek their head after a week of no release. But in the beginning that was only 2-3 days so for me progress. Thought I would share my experiences.