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It's like d-day again

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knightsbff posted 5/3/2014 10:38 AM

No new anything. Just a very bad night at work.

He came home this morning seething and shaking. "Don't touch me and don't talk to me." And he meant it.

All I can do is give him time and space.

I'm dying inside.

BrokenButTrying posted 5/3/2014 10:44 AM


Hang in there, be strong. Let him know you're there for him if and when he needs to talk.

We're here for you.

Unagie posted 5/3/2014 11:24 AM

((((Knightsbff)))) hang in there hun I know this is tough.

wheredoigo posted 5/3/2014 11:26 AM


I'm so sorry knight is hurting and you are hurting for and with him. I see that you guys are about two years out from DDay. It sounds like this happened before at work. Do you know what triggers this? (Sorry of you've said it before. I'm new-ish here.)

Jrazz posted 5/3/2014 11:59 AM

I remember that after two years the triggers weren't as bad, BUT - if there was a situationally specific affair related trigger I could still fall off the rails.

All you can do is give him time and space. There is a teensy bit of it on him at this time to acknowledge that the pain he's experiencing is not related to any new event. It doesn't mean he has to stuff it or not experience it, but just try to mindfully process it as the pain subsides. It helped FWH and I a lot when I was able to compartmentalize out a trigger that had nothing to do with him in the present.

I hope that knight can see you as a comfort through this soon.

(((knightsbff & knight)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:59 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)]

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 5/3/2014 12:32 PM

I am sorry you both are struggling right now.

I can tell you that the further we got out from DDay, the less frequent triggers would occur. The when they did, the intensity was sometimes too much to bear. The intensity of the triggers is the last to go.

Like the others said, just be there for him. Listen and don't try to "fix" the situation. I know HT has just wanted me to listen and not try to see any sort of bright side or tell him why things are going to be okay.

Let him know you are in this together. He doesn't have to do this alone.

Things will get better.

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/3/2014 13:55 PM


You said in another thread, I think, that infidelity is rampant in y'all's workplace. Makes me wonder if it was something of that nature. Ugh.

Sorry you're hurting. There are times when BH needs to retreat to his cave for awhile, and all I can do is respect his space, as you say.

wifehad5 posted 5/3/2014 14:33 PM

If he needs an outsider who has been where he is to talk to, he has options

EvolvingSoul posted 5/3/2014 14:34 PM

Oh gosh I know it's so hard. As waywards we usually come from a history of wanting to control outcomes and having to stand aside and watch BS deal with the aftermath of a trigger and not try to make it different somehow is a special kind of suffering.

In fact the word "suffer" actually has a definition that means to allow or permit something to happen without trying to prevent it or alter it.

Hang in there, sister. Thoughts of strength and stability to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

knightsbff posted 5/3/2014 17:26 PM

Thank you so much for the support for both of us guys. It was a situation at work that had to do with a patient because he can't talk about it.

Worse case scenario I can think of is him having to treat my AP. He would treat him well as he does all patients he sees and he would take pains to be very professional and polite and keep nursing staff or house supervisor with him but it would kill him because he still literally thinks of painful and ignominious deaths for him daily. He told me last week that he had spent about an hour catching up on searching the obits for him since he hadn't looked in about two months. I was pleased and called it progress because he used to look daily.

Anyway, I gave him space and just stayed available. He slept a little then was able to talk to me then eventually allowed me to comfort him (which comforted me). He is better now.

A major issue for him is he hasn't wanted anyone to know and so if someone that knows or someone he thinks might knows comes into the ER he is freaked out because he is afraid everyone he works with will find out. Or everyone in our small town, southern city. He is sooo worried for our kids and so am I. If it would help I would tell the kids in an age appropriate way and tell everyone we know as well. I know he owns none of my shame but you know how people think. He doesn't deserve to be judged.

This just sucks. I wish he would go to the menz forum for support. I think it would help him to tell them whatever happened but I think he worries about HIPPA. I don't think it would violate to talk about whatever happened on a anonymous message board in generic terms. Of course I know who the players are so he would have to be very generic.....

We worry about the AP and his BW knowing who we are on here. They knew I was on here shortly after d-day. At first we kept all identifying information out of our posts and tagline but we both have gotten pretty comfortable with the SI community lately so we (mostly I, but I do consult him on some things) just post what we feel like now.

What do you think? Is it safe for him?

tired girl posted 5/3/2014 17:35 PM

If he isn't comfortable posting on the BM thread can he PM guys and get support that way?

And hugs, I know this is hard.

[This message edited by tired girl at 5:36 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)]

yearsofpain25 posted 5/3/2014 18:12 PM

Hi knightsbff, sorry you guys have been having difficulties lately. I have read through a few of your threads in the past and am familiar with some of your H's struggles. I feel for you guys.

Any way, I work in health care software and have access to sensitive patient data. I am versed in HIPAA. I remember when days were simpler in this area. Like you said, as long as he keeps things very generic and nothing is mentioned that identifies the patient including diagnosis and specifics on what they were treated for, he should be fine. There are medical boards out there that you could probably google first to get an idea. After all, even for educational purposes things have to be documented in generic terms.

I wish the 2 of you all the best.


knightsbff posted 5/3/2014 18:33 PM

He posted it. Please support him any way you can. He shouldn't have to be dealing with any of this. None of us should.

inconnu posted 5/3/2014 18:34 PM

I remember that after two years the triggers weren't as bad,

My experience was that 2 years out, the triggers didn't happen nearly as often as they had the 1st year. But when they hit, they hit hard. It was like being blindsided by them, because I was so used to them not happening. And it would be an odd combination of factors that triggered me. Not long after I started my 1st job after the divorce, I was driving down the toll road which was the same road ex had driven home on for years, a certain song came on the radio, and a guy on a motorcycle similar to ex's buzzed by me. I about lost it. Shaking, crying, my brain going in a gazillion directions. On top of that I was scared to death I would kill myself in an accident, and having that thought is what pulled me out of the trigger. I was still crying, but I managed to drive myself home.

The intensity of my reaction, over 2 years after d-day, scared the crap out of me. It was supposed to be better by then, after all.

I hope knight works through this, for both your sakes.

knightsbff posted 5/3/2014 21:04 PM

You guys have helped so much.

Knowing about the experience of year two triggers being intense helps me to understand and also helps prevent the panic that he is getting worse or not healing.

The reminders on how to help him, be there for him, not try to fix it, give him the space he needs....priceless. You people are right on the money, every time we start to flounder or panic you throw out the ring.

Thank you with all my heart. And Knight said to say thank you for him too.

ETA: and the hugs! I definitely need the hugs and just being heard.

I love you guys!

[This message edited by knightsbff at 9:05 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)]

LosferWords posted 5/3/2014 21:23 PM

I'm rooting for both of you. I'm so glad he posted and is talking about things.

I'll be thinking of both of you as you work through this.

Sending you both strength.

Jrazz posted 5/4/2014 00:46 AM

I'm really glad he posted too. My heart just breaks hearing what he went though that night, and knowing how helpless both of you feel when this stuff hits.

Sending big hugs to you both.

knightsbff posted 5/4/2014 03:02 AM

He's at work again. It's 3 am and I can't sleep. I'm sick with worry about what's happening to him tonight. This is ridiculous one of us needs to be able to function tomorrow.

I texted him and he called. He's busy but no triggers so far.

BrokenButTrying posted 5/4/2014 03:14 AM

Childhood advice from my mum: Everything always seems worse at night when all you have is time to think. Get some sleep and be proactive in the morning.

Well done Knight for posting, I have no doubt he'll get excellent advice from the guys over there.

I'm not as far out as you guys so I don't think I can be much help but I am rooting for you two. I hope BH and I can get to where you are.

knightsbff posted 5/4/2014 06:24 AM

He made it through the night. Busy night but that's all. He's at Wal Mart. I think I'll take a nap now.

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