But, it is - i had a ONS with a coworker while away from my longtime (8 year) GF. This is actually a 2nd transgression, as several months ago I engaged in an exchange of some inappropriate emails with another coworker (my GF found out about that one too and I should have learned my lesson from the pain THAT caused to have never allowed something even more disgusting to happen).
I always thought these were things that happened to other, weaker men - but with my horrid lapse of judgement we are dealing with the horrible repercussions - for her the hurt, the feelings of betrayal, the loathing, and for me the guilt, shame and embarassment in knowing that it was my own actions and culpability that shattered a world that could have continued to grow into something even more meaningful.
I know probably everyone that has transgressed says the same things but it doesnt make it any less true in my case - I really did not appreciate what i had, the depths of my own feelings, the feelings that she had for me that were crushed so easily, the desire to have my life as i had it...i have never seen my priorities and my own behaviour in helping to create a less than optimal relationship that was susceptible to this type of mistake so clearly.
I know that there is no going back to what was - but I honestly believe our relationship could be stronger out of this...we did not communicate as we needed to on the level we needed to and we each have some deep rooted issues that would preclude either of us from being happy, regardless of the prospective mate.
She found out about the ONS 48 hours ago. it occurred last week and I was determined to live with the mistake, rather than doing the, perhaps, braver thing and coming clean. Her pure loathing, hatred, and disgust with me is, obviously, perfectly appropriate and deserved....yet, it still has a particular pointed impact when it comes from your best friend in life, the woman who you always imagined growing old with, and the one that you now realize was the only thing that mattered in the world.
We have tried to discuss what happened - I came completely clean with all the sordid details, number of occurences, etc. - and I tried to see if there was any cause to think that perhaps we could try and work through this...She can not even look at me, does not acknowledge my presence, and says that i have permanently destroyed any chance of relationship we could have...she can only see me with another woman and it, rightly, disgusts her....she hates me.
I see no hope - I really do want to try and make her happy. I want us both to go to counseling (something I should have brought up before these incidents because there were signs the relationship was not as solid as it should have been) and I want/need her in my life as my partner....I know that I would be a better mate (but that may be too little too late). I am not sure what she wants, other than for me to get out of her life.
I know she needs her rightful opportunity to express her anger, humiliation, betrayal, disgust, etc...I just dont know if there is any chance of that being an initial reaction that might be followed by something that may allow us to go forward.
We are still living in the same house (in separate rooms) and she does not look or acknowledge me when pass...I dont know if I should leave or stay...if I should try and open more dialogue (I have some already) or live quietly as a ghost...its a living hell and I can only imagine what it must be like for her - her only mistake being to trust me...
I look in the mirror and i STILL cant believe I did this - I dont know if I will get the chance to make this right or if i will only have the opportunity to be a better partner to another woman...either way, NEVER AGAIN...either way, I need counseling for myself to understand how I could behave this way when someone I love dearly is on the line...
I dont know if i am soliciting much in this thread - - i felt like i just wanted to get some of my thoughts and shame down, in the presence of others who might have relevant experiences.
Feel free to share any thoughts - thank you.