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Breaking NC. Not me!!

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Sadmumma posted 5/3/2014 23:22 PM

I've been really good. Held off NC for another week

But this coming Tuesday is the morons birthday. He messAged miss 13 to say he was coming Sunday (today). Figuring I would ask him to stop for dinner while here I helped the girls bake him a birthday cake.

It's now 2pm Sunday afternoon. I didn't contact him. The cake is frosted and ready to go but he hasn't contacted either. I'm pretty adamant in my resolve to NC BUT I'm thinking I've done the wrong thing by my kids.

Should I have contacted him to "invite" him over? He also told them he would visit last week, but didn't .

Side note: the kids don't seem to care he hadn't visited (2 weeks now)... Which is sad I know

Obviously, I will get them to call him in the day of his birthday. But he works from 5pm and they have commitments meaning they can't see him that day.

Thought appreciated. Thanks

Gemini71 posted 5/3/2014 23:27 PM

Not your job anymore. No need to do the 'family' dinner for his birthday. If you're feeling nice, take the kids to buy him a card for when they see him.

StillLivin posted 5/3/2014 23:33 PM

Sadmumma, Your DD is really recent.
It's so hard in the beginning disengaging. We are so conditioned to doing things nice for them to make them happy. We are usually nice people anyway.
Nothing will be gained, and you might confuse your children by "inviting" him back for a night as part of a family thing.
Gemini71 is right, NC. He fired you from the job of caring about him, his birthdays, his feelings. Honey, it's time to get used to your new normal. It will get easier, it really will.
Next birthday you won't even give him a thought.

norabird posted 5/3/2014 23:58 PM

Your post shows what an amazing woman he has thrown away--so thoughtful and concerned with doing the right thing even when you're suffering. But his birthday arrangements with your kids are on him now, not on you. Having them call is ample. And I hope, frankly, that he has the shittiest birthday ever.

StillLivin posted 5/4/2014 00:07 AM

And I hope, frankly, that he has the shittiest birthday ever

Dang, I KNEW I forgot to wish my STBX something on his birthday last month.

Sadmumma posted 5/4/2014 00:07 AM

Argh. Literally right after I posted texted he wants to come over.

Now I feel like a cow. I made plans right before creating the post.

Oh well. He could have waited until before 2:30 on a Sunday afternoon.

Tough titties

SBB posted 5/4/2014 00:08 AM

^^what they said.

It is difficult to adjust to your new normal. No more family dinners and the like. It just gives the kids false hope and the tension would be enormously confusing and damaging.

It is incredibly shitty of him to fuck out on his kids like that. FTG. Not at all surprising. Shit husbands often make shit fathers.

Focus on helping your kids cope with being let down by him
time and time again - do not feed them bullshit lines about his absence. Hear them and reassure them that you love them. Do not cover for him.

As much as I want to protect my girls I realised that in covering for him I was helping him to hurt my girls.

Do you have set visitation? I would not allow him to make arrangements via the kids. It is not their job. Especially not now that he has already let them down.

It is not your job to make him a good father. That is his job. Do not beat yourself up when he fails them. It is HIS failing, not yours.

Sadmumma posted 5/4/2014 00:11 AM

Thanks all. I I thought it would be nice to invite him for dinner for the sake of the girls but I didn't want to make a big deal of it by "asking " him to come.

Well he was pretty pissed by his responses which, got crickets. Go me

He's had a week to organise his Sunday ....

yearsofpain25 posted 5/4/2014 00:59 AM

Applause from over here. F him. The girls doing ok with this? I get that's why you went through any sort of bother in the first place.

Nature_Girl posted 5/4/2014 01:26 AM

Cake? A WS who wants to eat cake?

Sadmumma posted 5/4/2014 02:54 AM

SBB. I did enough enabling and excuse making for his poor attempt at fatherhood during the M without doing it now ...and my kids saw through it at the time, they asked me why I did it after S.... Definitely won't be excuse making for him.

We don't have set visitation. He is still split between friends couches and his AP house. Given that I've been happy for him to visit the kids in the family home. (Plus his vehicle cannot fit them all in). He said earlier he would "probably visit Sundays " so I've been keeping them free. In 12 weeks he has been 5 times. It no longer suits me to keep *our* lives on hold while *he* decides whether he can be bothered visiting his kids. Do I've decided to give him until a certain time Sunday (12:00) and if he hasn't made contact we make plans. I waited till after 2 today given he said he would come to DD.

YOP I think it's really sad that the kids really aren't bothered that he never came. They did think it was sad that dad won't get to eat his cake, but that was about the extent of it. They asked will we keep the cake or can they eat it

Nature girl that is hilarious

Well he's playing the emotional guilt trip on miss 13.. What a douche. Seriously. Guilt your 13 to because you can't organise your life

[This message edited by Sadmumma at 3:34 AM, May 4th (Sunday)]

Sadmumma posted 5/4/2014 03:43 AM

Ok I just have to vent....

Miss 13 just came to me to show me a message her father sent her. Saying that he's 'house sitting' (the friend he's staying with) and can she come over for a visit. He then tells her to organise the sisters to come as well and "don't tell mum". EXCUSE ME. It's on like donkey kong.

I broke no contact

SBB posted 5/4/2014 05:38 AM

Oh fuck me dead.

He is beyond reproach.

Get a screenshot of that text ASAP.

I have to say I'd stop the being so accommodating to him. He is taking the piss now and your kids are the ones who will be disappointed over and over. He is now manipulating them and trying to turn them against you.

How does your DD feel about what is going on? He will tell her she got him into trouble for showing you. It is a heavy burden for a 13 year old.

Fuck I hate him.

CS will accrue forever - he'll never get out of it. It may take years but he will have to pay it.

Have you been to visit Relationships Australia yet? I'd get the ball rolling on this.

I'd also urge you to read the book "Divorce Poison".

In my experience breaking NC just makes them amp up the crazy.

Keep in mind what you put in writing a judge could read. Talking to him gives him a chance to mindfuck you. If you must break NC do it in a way that could be used as proof of parental alienation on his part.

Cool heads prevail.

Sadmumma posted 5/4/2014 05:48 AM

Thanks SBB yes, I have screen shouted his message and sent it to myself. My reply NC break read

"Moron, when you have a firm date regarding overnight with your daughters I am happy to discuss. Do not attempt to go behind my back again"

I can't believe he's trying to guilt her... He knows her self hRm issues.

Oh well..will just resume crickets and monitor DD closely..

She actually showed me the message as she didn't know how to respond. She gave it crickets.....

Sadmumma posted 5/4/2014 05:49 AM

Am going to the library through the week, will look for D poison.

SBB posted 5/4/2014 06:02 AM

Maybe her counsellor can intervene? Show them what he's pulling and maybe they can take him over the coals and make him accountable. Fuckwit.

Sack of shit. I'm so mad for your DD. This shit is NOT normal and he is completely out of line for doing this to her. COMPLETELY.

Please reassure her that none of this is about her - this is between you and her dad and you hope she isn't dragged into it like this again. Does she have any friends whose parents are D? Maybe you could have a chat to the mum and spend time with them as a group? It would be a good support for you and perhaps the friend might share her own experience.

My thoughts are with you tonight. I know you're mad at him but make sure you hug your girl extra tight tonight. He's putting her in the crossfire.

yearsofpain25 posted 5/4/2014 06:44 AM

WTF!!! Well that took a major turn for the worse. I knew your stbxh was a clueless guy but he's now potentially putting them in harms way.

Yep. Narcissist move at its finest. Me me me me. Well fuck him. It still blows my mind how fucking damaging these people are.

Everything SBB said too. I'm very sorry you and your girls have to deal with this. As you know I have one of these types in my life. My heart breaks for those girls of yours.

Sadmumma posted 5/16/2014 05:09 AM

Ahh well the fun and games continues. The moron texted me last night asking which children wanted to see him Saturday. My phone was charging in the bedroom, so I didn't hear the message until an hour later when I went I to the bedroom and heard a beep. *apparently* it peeved the moron that I didn't respond right away... And he blew up my phone with a barrage of messages that ended in insults over me trying to stop him seeing his kids.

I replied 'sorry. Didn't see the message' and told him which kids were coming. And he continues messaging me until 2am... Some things he got crickets.. Others were a yes/no. It was late, I was tired. He was asking all sorts of questions. I'd emailed him all dancing newsletters/emails. I ended up asking him if I got him he dance ticket would he leave me alone. (He did)

So tonight I have to text to ask what time he's getting the girls tomorrow. The response. I don't know.. I'll have a sleep and pick them up.... I'll let you know tomorrow.

So I go back and say I have to go out between 12:30 and 4 so he'll have to work around me (bearing in mind we've stayed at home for the last 3 weekends waiting for him to come ...which he's said he would...and he hasn't)......

And it's on. Again. I'm controlling. I'm an f'n bitch.. You name it, I'm it for the last 2 hours..I told him that the world does not revolve around him....I've sent crickets....but....It's so tiring, you know.

Oh well. Little does he know. Custody orders are being sought, bitch boots are on, and he can buy his own friggin ticket.

Softcentre posted 5/16/2014 06:04 AM

He's an ass. But you also need to set some boundaries. How about sending him an email that says something like:


It is not appropriate for you to email/text me between [time] and [time] and so I will not be responding during those times. You may phone me in an emergency, but only in a genuine emergency, such as a medical emergency to do with one of the children. Any attempt to phone me about non-emergencies will be considered harassment.

I am aware that you texted DD13, requesting that she arrange contact between her,the other children and yourself, without my knowledge. Not only is this inappropriate and damaging to the parenting relationship between the children and each of us, it is emotionally damaging to DD13,who,as you are aware, already has self harm issues. In future ALL requests for contact are to be arranged between you and I via text/email. Any attempt to disregard this will be considered to be an attempt at both parental alienation and emotional harm to the child in question.

Sadmumma posted 5/16/2014 07:58 AM

Yes, that sounds good SC. Thanks for the idea.

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