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Newest Member: Howtotrust (61551)

User Topic: Would you bend
♀ 27088
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So stbxh interpreted something I said as me taking off with my youngest two kids and leaving the state. Not the case but I think he is paranoid now because he knows my employment is coming to an end and he left me with everything and I have no family here.

So he blows up my phone via texts and calls. Tells me he's calling the cops. For the most part I ignore. I wasn't in the mood for his antics. Supposedly they told him there is nothing they can do because we are still married and there are no court ordered documents regarding custody yet. I eventually had my youngest call him, that's the only child he worries about anyways. That was Friday.

The standard is by no later than early Saturday he needs to confirm pickup time for his Sunday visitation. Last weekend he didn't respond and didn't use his day. Yesterday he didn't respond to confirm, I get an email this morning saying he would like to see him this afternoon if I'm actually still in the state, the idiot knows I'm still here.

I know my little guy is going to be disappointed when he wakes up and realizes that his dad pulled this stuff again. He misses 2 or 3 out of the 4 Sundays every month. Should I ignore him considering he couldn't respond by the set time or do I accommodate the jackass?

I am so sick of this bastard letting our son down, this is the same guy who wants 50/50 custody. I have days that I truly hate him for what he is doing to our kids, and he wonders why his own family wants nothing to do with him right now.

The asshole was probably out with his gutter pig late last night, that is what she does. She has kids but lives with her parents so they can raise the kids and she can be a party whore all the time. The rest of us grown folks are home with our kids, handling grown people responsibilities.

I know my kids will know who was the real adult in their lives someday, hell, my two teenagers already do.

BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1327 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

renee: I am sorry for this pain. What a disappointment these waywards become. They become addicted to themselves and their selfish needs. U r right though, ur kids will and do know. They r not stupid. Even if they can;t articulate it, they know. Keep being the grown up and ur kids will thrive,

I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking from experience, do not bend. Once you start allowing it, it becomes a bitch to pull back.

You child deserves structure and stability and not to be jerked around the last minute. If he can't think about his child 24 hours in advance out of courtesy to you and the kiddo...fuck him and the gutter pig he rode in on.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not if it was clear that he is supposed to make arrangements by X time on X day. If it isn't clear I would make it clear in an email then not deviate from it.

Not because he was out with gutter pig or any of that but because it opens you and your son up to fuckery.

I'd say visitation is X time to X time on X day and any changes need to be confirmed via email 48 hours prior except in the case of an emergency. If he's not using his visitation I would change the arrangement to EOW or monthly.

Talk to your L first as you may have to keep up the weekly offer to prove you made it easily available and he is not utilising it.

I personally think the day before is way too short notice to cancel or arrange times. It leaves you and your son far too much at the whims of STBX. The constant disappointment has to be damaging.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6008 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not bend.

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Posts: 4642 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reply with

Dear idiot,

When you did not state you wanted to exercise your visitation yesterday at xx time, I assumed that you would not take it and I have made other plans. If you want to avoid this in the future then please let me know by Saturday at xx time that you plan to exercise visitation.

I purposely used the term "exercise visitation" because it is often how it is stated in court orders. You want to make your communication with him as business like as possible and to reference the court order whenever possible.

And I think you are being generous by allowing less than 24 hours notice for visitation. Not that it is bad, but it is very generous. Many court orders require 48-72 or even longer. So don't feel badly for standing your ground. The more you give this jerks, the more they take and take and take.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would I bend? No. My children deserve better from their father than to be an afterthought. What do you think it does to a child's self esteem over time to wait until the last minute for Dad to choose him over and over week after week for years. When you show him you will allow this, he will continue to put your children after everything else. If you don't allow it you show your children that they should never allow someone in their lives that doesn't make them a priority. They will carry this with them into adulthood in their future relationships. You cannot waiver. Be firm.
I'll give my morally bankrupt POS STBX this much, he always made his kids his priority. It breaks my heart to see single parents where one parent is this kind of selfish. You doubt yourself cuz you want your kids to have two loving attentive parents. Know that nothing you do will make him more or less attentive. This is all him. But you can show your children that they deserve better and should expect better. I would, however, inform your STBX that you and the kids already made other plans after his failure to contact you by the agreed upon time. Twenty four hours really is too late. I would not contact him again asking in advance if he was going to exercise his visitation? It is not your job. Unless there is a special occasion, He should be the one making the effort to see his children.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 4390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
♀ 27088
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. I just wanted to get an idea of if I am being unreasonable. You are right, I really do want stbxh to be a loving and dedicated parent to all three of our children but sadly he is not. He believes he is but his actions in the last year have been beyond selfish.

I'm going to take advice and not ask him if he plans to exercise visitation. I'm just going to document all the times that he bails and be there for my kids. The little one takes it hard on Sunday mornings and dad is a no show. He takes his anger out on me and is disappointed with me when I can't do all the Disney dad stuff because I don't have the money and have all the normal adult things to do on the weekend. This is so hard, I am trying to heal myself and have three broken hearted kids too. I do envy those that have an ex that actually puts the kids first. I honestly thought if we ever split he would be a truly dedicated dad and would consider their feelings first. I was so wrong.

BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1327 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 8

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