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Kisabiotch posted 5/4/2014 08:54 AM

So update to my journey I told WH to get the F out a week ago Thursday told the OWH what was up ,went to counseling ,cried more tears than I've ever cried ,thought about suicide , went to more IC, had a panic attack at work, did some research and got my own timeline, confronted WH with timeline only to be told I will never be able to move forward. So here I sit wondering will I ever be able to trust him again? The way he is acting now the answer would be a big NO!!! So why do I still find myself wanting or thinking we could possibly do R? Then I ask myself do I even want to or do I just want to be free of his self inflated ego and go on with life and eventually find a person who will love me the way I deserve to be loved? This is what I hate the fact that today I can not say for certainty what I want. Today I am bringing the 180 into full effect so I can begin to detach. I have an excellent support network in place that includes my parents and my friends. Is there ever a point to when u just know what it is you truly want or is this still all to early for those thoughts to even be in place?

justinpaintoday posted 5/4/2014 09:38 AM

Hi. I assume your dday was recently. Being confused is normal. This is all new for u. Ur H probably started detaching months or even yrs ago so is far ahead. U do not have to know how u feel 100 percent now or tommorrow. U need to focus on dealing with ur present trauma. Once the shock wears off u can begin to contemplate ur next move.

U may decide to try R. It may b day to day. U will c posters here that vascilate back and forth as emotions and circumstances evolve. Take the time to process at ur pace not his.

Flatlined123 posted 5/4/2014 10:01 AM

It's great you have a support network in place. I only had two long distance friends and it was so hard. They were my lifesaving grace.

You sound so new to this. I'm so sorry.

You'll constantly doubt what you want now, because what you want and his actions are different, it sounds to me.

Do the 180, take care of yourself and see what comes. Lean on your support group.

Kisabiotch posted 5/4/2014 10:25 AM

Yes I am still new Dday was April 19th. The not knowing is what is killing me. The last thing I said to him yesterday was to please just let me know if he is done so I can move . He said he would I am not reading anything into his statement and have not talked to him since even tho I want to so badly . I have a feeling today is not gonna be one of my good days.

LeftOutintheCold posted 5/4/2014 10:46 AM

Yes, this all still so fresh to you. You are going to have good days and bad days. Literally, a roller coaster of emotions and unfortunately, it won't end anytime soon. You will reach that point when you know you've had enough, but no one can really put a time frame on that. You will know it in your heart when it's your time.

I'm coming on my 2 month mark since dday and I've pretty much have made the decision within my heart that it's over. My WH left on dday and has shown no signs of R and the A is continuing. I need to move on for me. I didn't want it to be this way and there are still days I wish it wasn't this way, but I can feel my love fading for the man I used to know. I don't feel anything for this stranger he's become.

It is a rough road, but keep posting here, keep leaning on your support IRL, and take care of you. (((kisabiotch)))

Kisabiotch posted 5/4/2014 10:57 AM

Thank you!!! I was just hoping today was going to be good. I guess not lol!! It seems like once I have a good day the next day sucks and I sit here and wonder why hasn't he called or sent me a txt ? Then it hits me it's bc he doesn't care. I would love to inflict some serious pain on his ass right about now!i think I prefer the angry emotion over the sad !

LeftOutintheCold posted 5/4/2014 11:22 AM

Yep, and then also prepare yourself for the day he texts you or calls you out of the blue. That can set you back days on your healing. Mine just texted me a little bit ago asking about the health of one of my family members and all I could do was stare at it. Then I started crying hysterically. I hadn't cried in a week! Why contact me when I know he doesn't really care anymore???

Like I said, this is a roller coaster from hell. Anger is better than sadness. At least you feel some empowerment when you're angry. Still, just take it one day at a time. We can't change what has happened, we have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring, all we have is the present moment. Sometimes it's just easier to just "be" in the moment.

Kisabiotch posted 5/4/2014 11:33 AM

Yea the only problem with anger is it tends to make me want to lash out. His clothes are still here setting them on fire is looking good to me at this very minute

LeftOutintheCold posted 5/4/2014 11:40 AM

LOL!!! I've had that thought too!! What I did do, though, was I went through the house and took all of our pictures and family pictures down and put them away. I also had kept every flower he had ever given me. I took all of them, including the vases they were in, and threw them away in a large garbage bag. I enjoyed hearing the glass shatter as I slung them in there with force. My next step is to take all of his clothes and put them in garbage bags and place them in another room. I can't bring myself to destroy them... But I want them out of this bedroom. It's now MY bedroom until I'm able to move out into my own new place. What I did burn were items of the OW's. She used to be a friend of the family so there were things in this house that had come from her. Those I took outside to the firepit and burnt them. THAT felt wonderful!!

homewrecked2011 posted 5/4/2014 11:42 AM

I remember the early days, and I'm so sorry you are here. The book that saved my life, literally, was "Love Must Be Tough". -The kind of tough love when you have a drug addicted teen. It is really about standing up, doing the 180, find your center and not let your spouse cross the line of respect. The author says not to tell your spouse you have this book,,, it is directions for YOU.. The author is Dr. James Dobson, so you'd expect a Christian author to say to be nice and keep trying, but he says that's the WORSE thing you can do.

It was a quick, easy read and it really got me to show strength early on. In fact WS mentioned to people I had changed and he was thinking about coming back. I had changed so much by then (2 weeks after reading the book, btw) that I looked him dead in the eye and I said "I deserve it all! I deserve an awesome marriage, a real husband. and I WANT it all. If you are "thinking" about coming back, then you get into marriage counseling and see if you can be the husband I need". The telling point was when a man won't do this to save his family.... I wasn't sad any longer, I knew what I had to do for my kids and I, and that was to temporarily let him go and concentrate on building a great life for us.

I also realized IF he ever pulls his head out of his a**, he will tell me how proud he was of me for being strong for the kids and myself -- that's the kind of man he always was before he met her...

Kisabiotch posted 5/4/2014 12:04 PM

Thanks y'all !!! I won't burn his clothes it's just a nice fantasy lol!! I'm going to look for that book take off my wedding ring and purge crap. F@#* him!! I don't need him !!

homewrecked2011 posted 5/4/2014 17:15 PM

One more thing I have realized. A lot of waywards try to aggravate you, get you to explode, want to see you lose it and scream at them. That way, they can say to everyone, "see, my BS is nuts -- that's why I left. She can't make me happy, I've been miserable and keeping it all behind closed doors".

So, your greatest "weapon" in all this is to be aas rational as possible -- I know it's so hard when your mind is overwhelmed...that's why 180 really helps you get yourself pulled together.

If you do have to have a converstation, don't get drug off topic...

About considering suicide....the OW that my WH is with cheated on her first husband. He murdered the OM and then killed himself. He deserved to live, have a great life, be the firefighter that he was training to be. And look!!! The OW did the exact same thing to my H and her 2H that she did in the first scenerio-- got everyone to be friends and hang out!!!! OMG 2 deaths meant NOTHING to her.

You are valuable and you will get thru this.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:15 PM, May 4th (Sunday)]

Kisabiotch posted 5/4/2014 17:46 PM

I do deserve to keep living and my girls deserve their mom! They need to know they have at least one good parent!! It breaks my heart that they see their dad in the way they see him right now and sadly what they see is who he is at this time.