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My story - one month in

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EnablerBS posted 5/4/2014 09:57 AM

DD 1 - 31 march 2014 TT
DD 2 - 5 April - caught out by my master sleuthing

We have been together twelve years, married almost two. I knew something was up, I just couldn't find it. And then I did. My husband of less than 2 yrs was having an online affair. In my subsequent sleuthing, after he told me 'everything' and 'stopped it', I found the site where it all started and created a fake alias and caught him again. He was begging me to go for councelling, I said ok. Our appt was for 5/4. I told him at the session I was giving him one more chance to tell me the truth, in the eye. I reminded him that he had sworn that he was telling me the truth on his dead sisters life. He didn't come clean, so I revealed the info I had gathered, and revealed my 'other' id. In no particular order this is Ll I now know:

This is what I have learned/realized:
- he joined the sure last July, 3 months before our first wedding anniversary
- he told her he loved her a month into the affair, at least a few weeks before out 1st anniversary (he took 3 months to tell me when we met
- I allowed him to push the boundaries input relationship, until I could no longer satisfy the needs of his preferred alternative lifestyle - BDSM. Enabled Behaviour 1
- I knew he liked porn. He even watched it on his phone while we were 'watching series together'. Enabled Behaviour 2
- He can't work for a boss so i have given him my pension money, taken out multiple loans to start his own businesses, some of which have failed. Enabled Behaviour 3
- He has not been working or brining in an income for much of the latest years
- So when I have been getting up every day to go work so that much of my salary can pay off loans taken out for him, he's been f$&@ing around - lying in bed, talking/sexting AP
- I have been under immense stress for about 8 months. We had to move back in with my pensioner parents, the financial stress, mom was in hospital for 3 months - had 5 ops related to brain tumour. All the while he was sexting AP
- while I was sleeping at night next to him, he was sexting and cumming to AP in our marital bed
- from the chats I found, he was so concerned about her stressed, meanwhile I have been on the verge of a breakdown
- he was angry with me a few weeks prior DD, as I was dancing and having innocent fun with some friends, so in his annoyance he went to the car to chat to AP, and she was going to drive through to comfort him. She didn't, her car wasn't working. But he insists they've never met.
- while I was bathing my mom, caring for her, cooking, cleaning, etc, he was sexting the AP

What I find most annoying is the affair is his fault, he was getting his jollies off for 8 months but now I am the one in recovery for 18 months - 5 yrs. And that this all has affected just about the only thing going ok in my life - my job. Now I can't concentrate at work, keep stuffing things up, tired all the time. I am very angry/hurt/confused/tired/feel sick. He's sorry.

Edie posted 5/4/2014 10:11 AM

welcome to SI, so sorry you find yourself here.

Have you had a good look at why you are enabling?

He can't work for a boss so i have given him my pension money, taken out multiple loans to start his own businesses, some of which have failed.

this worries me a lot. As does all his inabilities.

He's sorry

What is he doing about that?

Frankly, he has used and abused you to such a large degree, I am not sure why you would want this man-baby?

As to your stress and exhaustion, time to really start looking after yourself. You have been looking after others, specifically him, and of course latterly your parents for far too long. your body is telling you it has been shocked an traumatised and now is the time to pay yourself some very loving attention. it may be that it is a counsellor who has brought enabling to your attention; if not, perhaps seeing a counsellor might help you to feel you don't have to do this on your own.

And there's all of us. So you're not on your own anyway.

I have very bad feelings about your WH and his parasitic behaviour. perhaps it us useful for you to really focus on why this has been allowed for so long by you.

hugs

annb posted 5/4/2014 11:32 AM

Welcome to SI, enabler.

Edie hit the nail on the head! Aside from the infidelity, this man has been using you for financial reasons for years.

He cannot work for a boss! FTG! (F*ck that guy)

I think right now you need to concentrate on YOU and your needs. With ill parents and you being the only breadwinner, you have to take time out to take care of your own health.

Regardless of what he says, please get yourself an appt. with your doctor and get tested for STDs.

IMO, he's sorry he got caught. You have put up with way too much, the not working issue alone should have had you questioning his commitment to you and your relationship.

Seek out counseling for YOURSELF to figure out why you would allow him to take advantage of you all these years.

Also do check out the Healing Libray in the upper left-hand corner.

norabird posted 5/4/2014 11:43 AM

I'm sorry you find yourself here. But you've id'ed the big problem, bigger even than his A, which is that you've been letting yourself be taken advantage of. (Not to say the. A is not a huge awful problem of course!)

This can be the catalyst for you to start demanding your partner actually BE a partner, working with you instead of just using you and focusing on his own selfish needs. It's hard to change a pattern over a decade in the making, but I think you will find that once you start setting expectations for him, he will fail them all, and his actions and lack of delivering will free you from the hooks keeping you with him. Why do you think it is that you have let your expectations be so low? Do you think you don't deserve more? I promise, you do. You don't have to settle.

If you have a good relationship with your boss, maybe give them a heads up about your personal struggles. Take a sick day or vacation day if you need to. Look after yourself. Equilibrium will return but it takes a while. In the meanwhile find IC if you can and maybe try reading on www.baggagereclaim.co.uk. You will have to teach yourself how to re-find and act on your boundaries and those steps will help you on the journey to doing so.

[This message edited by norabird at 12:24 PM, May 4th (Sunday)]

annb posted 5/5/2014 05:25 AM

Hi, Enabler, just checking in this morning.

Please continue to post and read, it is cathartic.

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