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It'll die a quiet death.

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sunsetslost posted 5/4/2014 10:07 AM

Got word that STBX filed. In my state an uncontested D with no kids or property will sail through. I don't have to show up. I don't have to show up and as far as I know I'm done. July 11 is the court date. With the money square and the D filed I'm free to go away. I have one more week of work, then my brother's wedding and after that I'm moving to the Gulf Coast of FL.

It's been a hell of a year. But it's almost over.

PhoenixWife posted 5/4/2014 10:21 AM

OMG - that is so coincidental. I plan on running away to the Gulf Coast once I get my divorce under my belt. I'm looking for all of this to be over and done with before I hit my next b-day and have to succumb to yet another wedding anniversary. I'm looking at either Pensacola or Tampa area and would like to find a support group there to help me sort out the myriad of emotions. Would welcome you keeping in touch if possible. Maybe point me in the direction of an area that is safe yet lively? I am so looking forward to restarting my life in an area that holds no history for me. All the best to you. Go forward with a happy heart and an eye toward a life with no deceit. It's yours for the taking.

sunsetslost posted 5/4/2014 11:06 AM

Hi PhoenixWife,

I don't k ow much about Pensacola. Always seemed a little too redneck for me (says the guy who spent the last 15 years in TN). I know the Tampa area very well, specifically Pinellas County. It all depends on what you want. There's something for everybody. High dollar, Gulf front living to blue collar working class. Without knowing your specific needs I'm not sure what to suggest. My goal is Clearwater. It's 20 minutes to the beach. 20 minutes to Tampa.  . Decent property tax rates even though it's in a hurricane evacuation zone. There's tons to do. Shopping, festivals, sports, culture, festivals. I'd be more than happy to answer any specific questions you have. Best wishes to you as you continue your journey. You can contact me anytime

[This message edited by sunsetslost at 12:03 PM, May 4th (Sunday)]

SBB posted 5/4/2014 11:43 AM

That's the Final S date for me - also happened to be the wedding anniversary.

I remember in those last years before DD I tried to break up with him because he was dead inside and I felt like it was killing me too (I didn't know why, I do now) - one of the things I said to him was I'd really rather our M not die a little death OR be ground into dust. The way things were going that is he way we were heading. Let's end this with love and with grace, I said.

Somehow he managed to achieve both things I was trying so hard to avoid.

You showed up for the M, as did I. I didn't show up for the D, I told him it was his fraud to complete and complete it he did.

Be gentle with yourself. This year of firsts really is the hardest. You're probably already looking back now and wondering how you ever felt anything so strong for that person. I know I did and still do. That feeling grows as time moves on and healing comes.

It is almost over. You made it. Imagine what you'll achieve in life without this dead weight hanging off you. The unknown future is scary but also quite exciting, no?

Tearsoflove posted 5/4/2014 13:06 PM

I am extremely familiar with both Tampa and Pensacola, having lived in both places if anyone wants to PM me.

PhoenixWife posted 5/4/2014 15:28 PM

First, thank you all! I am constantly amazed that everyone on this site, although going through enormous pain, is willing to reach past their own pain to give advice, solace and comfort to complete strangers. That says a lot! I am in awe of the strength everyone seems to have.

Sunsetslost – I was in Pensacola at the end of January for DS's graduation (USAF Officer-proud mamma here). Pensacola was crippled by an ice storm at the time – go figure. But it was the first time I had been to the gulf side and fell in love with the tranquil waters and clean sand. It was so unlike the violent ocean on the eastern seaboard. But my son also made a similar redneck reference. Tampa has an appeal because of the airport. I come from a very large, loud Italian family, so close proximity (+/- one hour) to the airport is important. My sister also recommended Clearwater and Dunedin which she loves. I will need to eventually find a job, but would like to take a month or two by myself to get a feel for the lay of the land, join some clubs, volunteer for hospice, join Big Brothers/Big Sister - good healthy healing stuff. I want a simple lifestyle free of too many trappings. My STBXH and I own a number of properties (which by the way DID NOT make us rich), but I think I want to rent something small. Not sure I will ever buy another property again. You never really own it anyway, even when the mortgage is paid off. Try not paying your property taxes and then tell me who owns it!!! : ) At this point in my life, I think I want the headaches to be someone elses. But that may change. Just don't want to find myself in an undesirable part of Tampa. So I probably will be in touch to pick your brain the closer I get to actually moving. Same to you Tearsoflove, would love your input as well, except I sadly don't know how to PM.

After the exceedingly long winter we had here in PA, I've decided that I don't have to deal with harsh climates anymore. STBXH is not very proactive on many levels and I had been begging for years to move somewhere/anywhere warmer. He constantly threw roadblocks in the way, even though he too wanted to move south. So, I'll do it solo and I'll do it on my terms now.

SBB - The first year will indeed be hard, but I'm not afraid of hard. If I really take a good look at it, my so-called marriage was hard. And having TWO, count 'em, TWO D-days is more than hard, it's torturous. After the first d-day, I tried to be what I felt my husband needed me to be; boy did I compromise myself. I am so not the person I started out as when we first got married. So, it's with anticipation that I go forward and reclaim the life I want. I am going to be true to myself.

It's so sad to be a member of this website and am looking forward to the day when I will no longer need to visit it. It has been an invaluable source of comfort to know that I am not alone. Look at the title which is very telling... “SURVIVING” Infidelity. It was with hope in my heart that I found this site the first time. Now, I'm fully ready to get out of my marriage even though it's not what STBXH wants – or so he says. His actions, however, contradict this. I suspect that as of this writing he is with OW. Last Saturday night I found him at her house. They were talking and agreeing that it wouldn't work between them. Funny, saw him last night leaving her housing complex. Can you say liar??

(At one point I ended up abandoning the SI website so STBXH could use it in his quest for healing. He posted one time that I'm aware of, and told me that he didn't get much from the site because it made all WS's out to be shitty people. Wow – that spoke volumes to me. Oh well, you can lead a horse to water...)

Seriously, when he told me that “they” decided it wouldn't work, I became livid. Why would the two of them spend 10 years in their bubble and so easily toss it away. Why now??!! Told STBXH that I felt he allowed someone into my home to rape, beat and bloody me and my sons, then pay good money and spend lots of time to prosecute, and when it comes to sentencing he decides to just let them walk. I felt defeated two times over. They should MAKE it work. Throwing our family away shouldn't be all for naught. I think the two broken people should make their own broken life TOGETHER. I sure don't want him. Any love I felt for him was pummelled out of me at second d-day about 5 weeks ago. Without love, what's the point in making it work. I'm simply not going to go through it again. The first time was to keep my family together and because I thought I loved him. Now – that is so not the case.

We are doing an in-house separation and I did the 180 on him (wasn't even aware I was doing it – was just trying to self-preserve). It's the best thing I could have done for my sanity. I've been all over the SI website, journaling and reading anything I can get my hands on to make sense of this mess. It's been so cathartic. STBXH's birthday came and went without a peep from me. I joke that I should have saved him a piece of the shit cake, complete with word-vomit icing, that I've been nibbling on all these years. But I was piggish and ate it all myself.

As a side note, I had a discussion with a friend who has been through the same betrayal and she said it would be hard to trust again. Do you think the majority of BS's feel that way? I hope not. I don't think I will have too much difficulty. I recognize that my STBXH is a true narcissist (just read up on Narcisstic Personality Disorder and he ticked 95% of the boxes). Simply put, I truly don't believe that everyone is a cheater or liar. I know I'm not; so I don't want to peg all future relationship partners as though they will also visit this pain on me. Not trying to gloss over that I need to so some healing, but my STBXH's behavior does not have to be transferred to some poor unsuspecting guy either. Everyone stands on their own merits in my world.

Sorry folks, I kinda needed to vent. I'm usually a pretty optomistic person, but today has not been a very good day. Thanks for letting me ramble. You all are the bee-knees and I appreciate every one of you!

nowiknow23 posted 5/4/2014 15:49 PM

Sunsets - keep on keeping on, dude. The light at the end of that tunnel is growing bigger by the minute.

renee21 posted 5/4/2014 20:07 PM

I live in the Tampa Bay area. Its a nice place to live, tons of options. I have no family here but my kids really only know this area, so as long as my employment situation works out, we will be staying.

Kajem posted 5/4/2014 20:42 PM

I'm in FL (not on the gulf coast) currently in Jacksonville. I was not far from Orlando. In a small city 1hour from each coast. All coasts evacuated to us!

Don't know much about Tampa or Pensacola, but might be able to help with central Florida cities.

We need to start planning a FL g2g!!!

ButterflyGirl posted 5/5/2014 00:07 AM

We need to start planning a FL g2g!!!

Yes please! I'm in FL, just north of Orlando, native and lived here my whole life. I think tons of different people come here for the theme parks, then find a way to stick around, so it's a very diverse and eclectic bunch around here, and I love it!

Sending you strength for the next week Sunset. Then off to your new beginning!

Tresemme posted 5/5/2014 00:38 AM

i live on the treasure coast...its kinda between west palm beach and orlando we should maybe do a g2g id drive anywhere within a couple wh is not living here now for a few weeks i have never felt so scared and so relieved at the same time i fear him but thats a whole nother post...i wish u so much good stuff and peace, the world is yours now and you deserve it

Pinkyxo posted 5/5/2014 01:38 AM

I'm running to the gulf coast Fla too!! Need Beach to heal :) We've got this. (Hugs)

millienotboo posted 5/5/2014 07:23 AM

Pensacola has everything a person could want, except an international airport. Mobile is an hour away, however and I can usually find a flight to anywhere from there.
Navarre beach is the loveliest beach on earth IMHO. Yes, rednecks, but mostly people wanting a quiet, serene life. I go there 10 or more times a year to get away. There isn't much culture in Navarre , it's truly quiet and boring but driving distance to Watercolor (google it) a nice artsy artsy town on beautiful beaches.
The Pensacola / Navarre / gulf breeze area is very inexpensive beach life living.
Of course, Tampa and Clearwater are gorgeous too!

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