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harder than I thought

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lovehonorcherish posted 5/4/2014 10:20 AM

Just thought I would post here as not many of my friends or family can really understand what this is like. After a year long false R (in which H and AP took the A underground) I finally came around to realizing that divorce was the only option I had left. The papers have been served and I have been observing NC religiously. I have been keeping busy with work, the dogs, chores, exercise classes and getting out to dinner/visits with friends or family at least twice a week. What I wasn't expecting is that this process would be so...incredibly lonely. For the past 17 years I have shared my life with a man who is no longer there and I am just overwhelmed with a sense of sadness. The weekends are the hardest...I find myself thinking of the things we used to do together and then realize that H is probably still doing those things but with the AP. It hurts! I have been redirecting my thinking as much as possible but those intrusive thoughts still creep in. Any advice from those of you who have been there?

strad posted 5/4/2014 10:39 AM


No pearls of wisdom to offer here, except that I feel the same way, although it is easing little by little as time passes and, like you, I stay busy. I think it's just a journey of grief and mourning that you simply have to take in order to process what has happened and move forward. And the answer to, "how long does it take to recover" is, "it just takes as long as it takes".

Harriet posted 5/4/2014 10:50 AM

I went through the exact same process. The good news: if you can keep being strong and continue all of the wonderful things you are doing to help yourself heal, the lonliness fades over time. I remember thinking that I had never felt truly lonely until after my divorce, and that it was the worst of all feelings.

It will get easier.

Also, things are not going to stay so rosy for your ex and OP. I just heard that my ex's OP has been complaining to her friends so much that they told her they no longer wanted to hear it anymore. So, since you really have no way of knowing how things are for your ex, try to continue to redirect your thoughts towards yourself and your future.

You are doing wonderfully, and the self respect and honor you have will carry through this! (((hugs)))

[This message edited by Harriet at 10:53 AM, May 4th (Sunday)]

LeftOutintheCold posted 5/4/2014 10:53 AM

Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom either. I'm feeling the same way - just hurting because I know he is out with the OW doing the things we probably used to do while I'm now just sitting here trying to get past all this. It sucks!

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. (((lovehonorcherish)))

norabird posted 5/4/2014 11:53 AM


Unfortunately, it takes time. But you are doing everything right, and your mourning period right now is normal. If you didn't have sadness from the end of the marriage, that would be the opposite of healthy! Feeling the loneliness now is natural but it really will pass. Use your time alone to really take care of yourself and focus on your interest and you will start to find that you really enjoy being independent. Before that point though, let yourself acknowledge the pain, and know that it will pass.

btrayedbyhim posted 5/5/2014 07:21 AM

It IS so hard. The loneliness. After 25 years together I miss him/us. I dont like being 50 & alone. I imagine making breakfast together, how we spooned like pretzels, great sex, spontaneous road trips, just being together. I actually cried myself to sleep last night & briefly thought about taking him back! And my STBX has done some incredibly evil what is going on with me???!!

What I try to think about those EVIL things! Like how he pre-meditatively beat me up, how he maliciously let everything we have get auctioned off without telling me, how he lies every waking minute, how he uses people, how he texts our son that he misses him & wishes they were throwing the football (but never follows thru on visitation cuz he has other social things to do), how he bad-mouths me to everyone, etc. I really need a list! Thinking of these things makes me miss him less....but he still occupies 80% of my head space!

An old boyfriend (who just filed for D as his wife cheated on him) suggested I put up a profile on online dating. He said that just getting the inquiries would help my self esteem & keep my mind off stbx.

There was a recent post...someone said that what we miss was the M or the H we THOUGHT we had. Maybe we did once upon a time. But that M or H is gone and no amount of R will ever bring it back.

[This message edited by btrayedbyhim at 7:35 AM, May 5th (Monday)]

lovehonorcherish posted 5/5/2014 07:44 AM

Thank you for the responses everyone. Sometimes it just helps to hear from other people who "get" it. Keeping my fingers crossed that the days will become easier for all of us! I appreciate all the support I have found here on SI

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