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Sorting out the emotions

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IronRider posted 5/4/2014 12:35 PM

One year mark of divorce recently past and trying to sort it all out. I knew and was expecting some emotional stuff to come along, just trying to sort out what is truly behind it.

At times I feel like I have slipped back into the grieving stage and am waiting for the miracle to happen. For her to have an epiphany and realize what a mistake she made. While I know this will not happen as she hasn't, and most likely never will, take responsibility for her part in the dissolution of our marriage. I do know that I have absolutely no desire to be back in the relationship, so even if the epiphany did happen, the relationship won't.

I'm thinking these emotions may have more to do with my self-esteem and confidence. As I am sure you have all personally experienced the beating these take throughout all of this. I was doing really well in dealing with rebuilding my self-confidence while I was in counseling, but as I neared that day and since then, I am back into having a lot of self-doubt and lack of confidence in myself again. Felt I have lost all that I had gained.

justinpaintoday posted 5/4/2014 13:06 PM

Brother I'm so sorry for your pain. What I find is a read the post of betrayed spouses here we all live by a moral code. We understand the difference between right and wrong. We have a sense of justice and that the right things will prevail. The sad reality is that our wayward spouses don't live by the same codes of honor. Their selfishness prevents them from doing the right things. It prevents them from doing the right things in the beginning and it continues to prevent them from doing the right thing in the end. Knowing that you will probably never have closure is a very difficult thing I completely and totally understand. Closure will not come from your former spouse closure will have to come from within you.

Read getting passed your break up by Susan Elliott. There's some great practical tips to help you get started in rebuilding your life. Peace my brother

GingerAle posted 5/4/2014 21:39 PM


IrishLass518 posted 5/4/2014 23:00 PM

((Ironrider)) The first year after D is really the hardest. The second is when I started to find me again. I did have that moment of closure at the end of the first year. When I knew that no matter what happens, I am never going back. That was a different grief. A grief of knowing that I could never be with who he had now become. A grief of knowing that he didn't believe in himself enough to find remorse. A grief of a life that I had hoped for, for us. I have grown so much and I have to say that year 2 and going into year 3 have been fun. I am enjoying life and who I am. I have tons of dreams for my own future and truly, I am happy. Give yourself some time. The hardest parts are over now. You get to give yourself permission to have a life of your own now. Enjoy the ride

nowiknow23 posted 5/4/2014 23:14 PM

((((IronRider)))) It may feel like you've lost all that ground, IR, but I promise you haven't. Progress isn't linear and it sure isn't accomplished at a steady pace. Be gentle with yourself while you work your way through this stuff.

norabird posted 5/5/2014 00:03 AM

It sounds like you have come very far. No one is fully healed or over it a year. Don't feel you are failing by not being impervious to dips in the rollercoaster, and keep doing the work on your confidence. It will pay off and the struggle of the anniversary will fade.

betrayedpregnant posted 5/5/2014 00:11 AM

i understand that even though i don't want him back, i still secretly wish that he will think of me, miss me and deeply regret his actions. I secretly wish his affair relationship will fail, I secretly wish intense karma will greet him. I secretly wish one day he will feel as sad as i do . I just found out a month ago. I can't believe people are saying that they still feel these feelings after such a long time has elapsed. Thank you for the insight

IronRider posted 5/5/2014 12:11 PM

Thank you for all, your responses are helping me delve a bit deeper into what I am currently feeling and realizing that perhaps these feelings are more my current situation/location and not knowing exactly where I am heading, other than forward,from here and maybe not so much about her and my loss and all the garbage.

nowiknow23 posted 5/5/2014 12:13 PM

IronRider posted 5/5/2014 15:06 PM

My desire for a fleet of karma buses to run her ass over stayed with me until I left the home. Initially her affairs were while she was overseas. Once we moved for her to attend school she started affairs locally. Each new discovery just added to the pain of the previous affairs and I wanted nothing more than for her to feel the hurt she caused me tenfold.
Once I left that started to subside. She has basically painted herself as a victim of a bad marriage, thereby justifying her actions, at least to herself. I'm at the point now that I really don't care whether the rest of her life is happy and joyous or comes crashing down around her. I do know that I will not be there to pick up the pieces.
I've come to realize that if I kept on holding onto the hope and obsess over her getting her just reward I continue to let her and her affairs have control over me. I'm not willing to let her have that anymore.

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