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I'm here now-yay for the end of limbo

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LovelyDaffodils posted 5/4/2014 14:51 PM

Last Monday night I was finally able to put an end to the tt bs.

I knew for weeks I was probably not going to get any info other than what I could find myself. The Dday A had ended a year ago. Getting questions about that answered was like pulling teeth. WH much more regretful than remorseful. But he was being as nice as a husband should be, so I was hopeful. But still knew there had to be more he was hiding. Got some tt about other inappropriate behavior. But mostly my snooping is what gave me the picture of who/what I was dealing with.

Started to strongly suspect NPD due to his incomprehensible lack of feeling along with all the normal stuff-blame shifting, amnesia, etc. He actually did have me believing that even though he struggled with pre Dday disclosure, he was being transparent about everything now, during the 4 months of R. I kept him busy, we were HBing, why would he need to look elsewhere. Surely he knows better and wouldn't want to do anything to hurt the R. But all that nicing was getting us no where in the trust department. I had to 180 and that really opened my eyes.

After waiting all last weekend for the promised full disclosure that never came. I knew it was over. He found a million things to do to keep him too busy to talk. Then blamed the way I approached him about setting the time aside earlier in the week.

I did a search on his phone, found the texts from about 1 month into R. Disproving every lie he told since Dday. Proved he was still doing whatever he wanted, zero respect for the M. That was all I needed. Limbo land sucks ass, I'm so happy to be out of that hell. Confrontation led to more bs. I basically let him bury himself in his lies. He is a fascination story teller, it's almost comical. Actually did laugh at some of it right in his face. There is more stuff that I know, but it's only for me to know what he is. No reason to even address it at this point.

180 had me ready for the outcome. Not to say it doesn't hurt, but I'm stronger than he expected. We have to do in house S due to finances, but motivated to change that asap. Still doing 180 and I know there will be tricks to try to get me back. Not gonna happen!! I have seen the cold hearted NPD monster and I can't unsee it now.

Something happened since then that just gave me the best . His laptop has been pw locked since the last time I found stuff and we fought over it. About a month ago. He must have gotten in a panic this week that I could get into it.(like it even matters now) He came home one day, I see him messing around on it, can't help but see it is still on the login screen. After an hour, I finally ask. "it's none of my business, but what the heck are you doing?" The look on his face was priceless. He had locked himself out of his laptop-forgot the pw he used changing while it in panic mode. Wasted a bunch of time trying stuff to get back into it. 3 days went by before he could get to the IT guy at work.

PhoenixWife posted 5/4/2014 15:53 PM

LovelyDaffodils - I so relate. I am here to encourage you to stick with the 180. It has done wonders for me to clarify what direction to go. I have only allowed my STBXH to discuss matters pertaining to our properties or about our grown children. Not having anymore TTs or lies swirling around my head muddying up my thought process, I reached my conclusion to divorce. (He so wanted to engage me in the emotions he was feeling, but as far as I'm concerned, that's what the OW is for. I'm sure she's really gonna love hearing that he doesn't want his marriage to end!)

My WH too is not remorseful. Still looking for a way to justify his behavior. It's pathetic.

I was reading up on NPD today and my husband ticked almost all the boxes that it was funny. They should just put our spouses faces next to the word NPD!

Loved the story about the computer. How awesome!! My WH is very technically challenged. He actually believes I have these magical mysterious computer skills where I can find out anything about him that I want. That's very flattering and I'll take it. But now, I got better things to do than keep looking for more lies. Besides, who the hell wants a marriage like that one based on snooping? Give me a break.

Stay strong LovelyDaffodils. It is much more peaceful once you leave limbo-land. And stay angry for a awhile it will propel you into another dimension. Sadness will pull you back in. Now you've got a direction and an attainable goal. All the best to you!

LeftOutintheCold posted 5/4/2014 17:39 PM

More power to you (((LovelyDaffodils)))!! It does feel so much better once you've made a decision and can start moving forward again.

LovelyDaffodils posted 5/4/2014 17:50 PM

Thank PW. There are some challenges to still living in the same house. But that's the way it is for now.

We don't have kids, at least 2 legged. Do have a bunch of dogs and various other critters. So similar to necessary child discussions, we do have to talk when something comes up about them. But mentally/emotionally the detachment is there.

He pretty much has done everything according to the unremorseful WS script from day 1. I wish I find SI a month sooner. But being here now, I know just what he will do next even before he does. LOL. That my friend is some awesome power right there!!!

Just keeping things peaceful until I can make some moves and give myself some options. Have not worked in many years. I pick up jobs here and there, but not really dependable. It will be fine though. I am passed that fear of being alone stage.

Yes, the 180 has helped me a lot. Now if I could ever get my IC to fit me in for an appointment that would help a lot too. I may have to ditch her and find a new one.

I'm sure my WH has no idea how I found out some of the stuff I know. He is the tech savvy one. Just probably thinks I am clueless. Works for me.

LovelyDaffodils posted 5/4/2014 17:56 PM

Oh, forgot to share the best part about the computer story. I knew if I laughed in his face, that probably wouldn't go over well. As hard as it was to keep a straight face. LOL. But not only did I not laugh, I acted concerned and worried that he may never get into it. His turn to be gaslighted.

GingerAle posted 5/4/2014 21:34 PM

Getting out of limbo is a huge relief. Even though we hoped for a successful R, it is liberating to know where you really stand. False R is so cruel, and I can relate to so much of what you posted.

You are so strong! Keep up the 180. I hope your in house separation is short. Mine was almost four months, and he finally moved out yesterday. It feels amazing!

Acer0112 posted 5/4/2014 22:06 PM

I am proud of you to find some relief during the chaos. I agree, having direction is helpful to keep my mind moving onto healing. Love the laptop story. I noticed WH had to get his cc password and fraud reported, small laughs at all the pw changes they find necessary.

I am trying to stick to the 180, but our kids schedules keep us coming and going and I slip out of 180 mode frequently. I actually enjoyed his company this weekend, then reality hit and I had to push the nice thoughts out of my mind and remember what he has become and all his lying.

I also have my secret access and he has flat out lied that he doesn't talk to OW everyday, my records show not only once but multiple times a day, morning noon and night. I too smile big and think to myself, what a Fing lying cheat.

Keep healing, keep up the great work with 180, thanks for the funny story and encouragement for me to keep working on my 180 as well.

LovelyDaffodils posted 5/5/2014 07:52 AM

I think when we have to deal with them whether children are involved, or still living together, rock solid 180 is tough. At least the parts about NC and the way we act toward them. To me, the most important parts of 180-what we do for ourselves and detaching emotionally are very possible and more helpful to us anyway. 180 to me is less about sending them a message and more about preparing ourselves for the outcome.

So while we had quite a pleasant evening ourselves last night, it still didn't change who I know he is, that I know my evening would have been just as good without him being there. That thoughts of being with him romantically make me want to

Oddly he is still sharing things with me that he really shouldn't be regarding things at work. Told me of 2 sensitive situations regarding coworkers ethics. I'm thinking it fits the Narc behavior of making himself look more honest, ethical, dedicated.

He even played a recording to me of him and someone else discussing an issue with a subordinate. They were saying how if the person would tell the truth, they would work with them, but they will investigate to see if they are lying and that would be a bigger problem.... Hmmm, he is using my words as a BS on people under at him at work. I almost laughed listening to the words!!! Nevermind how wrong it is that he recorded the whole thing and I could get him in SO much trouble for that. He played it for me because he was so proud of his witty, snarky comment the end, he just had to share.

Just proves to me how much I have to watch my back and what I say. He's teaching me to be VERY careful around him without even knowing it.

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