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RiseAbove22 posted 5/4/2014 20:23 PM

Hello Everyone, I'm new here and thought id say hello.
I hope to get to know some of you and be a source of encouragement and receive it as well.
My story is pretty long which i will post later but the short version is
i spent close to 15 years with a girl and lived with her for 12 just to find out she had been cheating for over 3 years with multiple people and has been in a relationship with one of the guys since this past fall. DURING THE HOLIDAYS! she told me the whole story and left me back in Feb.
i have since moved out and we no longer speak to each other.
Its pretty weird that she can turn off 14 years in one day.
she did a really good job of acting and hiding this from me,acting like she cared etc.
I never once cheated on her and i thought at some point we would have kids,be married,move into a bigger house.
its probably good that didn't happen looking back and now discovering who she REALLY is. Well thats the short version of it.
would Love to chat and hear some feedback….

nekorb posted 5/4/2014 20:29 PM

Welcome RiseAbove22. Glad you found us but sorry you are here.

How are you holding up? I see you are just a few months out from DDay. How can we help?

LeftOutintheCold posted 5/4/2014 20:31 PM

(((RiseAbove22))) I'm so sorry you're here, but you're in a great place under the circumstances. A cheater's mindset is hard to understand and you may never get the answers as to why. Under your circumstances, it is better that you found out now before you moved on to marriage and/or kids.

I really don't have a lot of advice right now as I'm still relatively new to my pain as well, but I wanted to let you know I've heard you and I do feel your pain. Take some time to read the healing library (in the upper left hand corner in yellow) and be sure to take time for yourself. Eat, drink water, and try to sleep. Healing is going to take time. Post often. There is a great support group here!

RiseAbove22 posted 5/4/2014 20:36 PM

i have my good days and my bad days like most in this situation.
The loneliness isn't fun,its a process getting used to living alone after living with and loving someone for over a decade.
its also a process of your mind adjusting to realizing you didn't really know someone. the person i was with seemed to be such a caring,loving,charitable person willing to help anyone just to find out everything she claims to be is false. she has sexual and substance addictions and issues i didn't even know about
….its sad….for both of us.

[This message edited by RiseAbove22 at 8:37 PM, May 4th (Sunday)]

MovingUpward posted 5/4/2014 20:40 PM


Its pretty weird that she can turn off 14 years in one day.
she did a really good job of acting and hiding this from me,acting like she cared etc.

I suspect that it isn't that she didn't love you or care for you. It is hard to fake that. I think that you will probably find when you look back on things is that she loved herself at the expense of others.

Take the time to look back through things see if you can detect when patterns emerged. This will be a part of your healing journey. The need to understand what signs you missed along the way, so that you are aware of them in your future whomever it may be with.

LeftOutintheCold posted 5/4/2014 20:42 PM

It is very much like a grieving process. You grieve for the person you once knew. It's painful to move to acceptance that that person is no longer the one you fell in love with. You also need to realize that in no way are you to blame for any of it. Your partner had/has issues that were there all along but was adept at hiding them from you. That's not your fault in any way. Take one day at a time. Healing will come as you process through all of this. (((hugs)))

RiseAbove22 posted 5/4/2014 20:54 PM

moving upward the only thing i noticed was her being more depressed and removed the past year or so but i assumed it was from a death in her family but now i know it was from the guilt of her cheating. she told me she would have continued to cheat with random people and never tell me if it wasn't for her developing feelings for this recent guy she was with. i guess he was worth more than knowing me for 15 years.

Leftoutinthecold i totally agree and know exactly what you mean about grieving for the person you once knew.
she up and changed so fast i don't grieve who she is now i feel sorry for her but i grieve the girl i once knew that was so happy and loving. i feel like she died or something.

Mhiimg65 posted 5/4/2014 21:28 PM

So sorry RiseAbove...
You are one of the lucky ones that can maybe move on to some one better for you. But stick with this forum, there are reasons we all go through this, and maybe you can figure it out before it happens to you again. I'm still somewhat new here too, so maybe those with more wisdom will come forward and guide you. I lived with my WS for nine years, married him and after 26 year of marriage, found out I was a BS for 2 years. So it can happen to anyone. I commend you for reaching out. Stick with your gut .Be strong and don't make the same mistake again. There is something better for you.

RiseAbove22 posted 5/4/2014 21:37 PM

Thankyou. Im sorry for your situation as well.
People that do what theyve done to us are whats wrong with the world. Hope we can talk later.

needadvise posted 5/4/2014 23:20 PM

Hey be happy you didn't get married. It is shocking to know that the person you have been with for so many years that you thought you knew turns out to be a person you never really knew at all. My WH tried to tell me that no matter who he ends up with after all he's done, stressing that he would like it to be me. That he would never ever cheat on anybody again. My thought. I gave him 18 years of being honest, faithful, n loyal. A son and a daughter. If he can't be faithful having that, he's never going to be.

[This message edited by needadvise at 11:21 PM, May 4th (Sunday)]

RiseAbove22 posted 5/5/2014 00:09 AM

Sorry to hear of your situation.
I know it sucks to put in so many years with someone thinking they will be your life partner only to have them change and fail you. Makes no sense to me. But most of us in this situation were with people that wont ever be happy.
They will continue to do this to other people as well.
I feel sorry for anyone thats in my ex girlfriends path because she is very decieving,she has led so many guys on,catfished people,made fake profiles with other girls pictures,made guys fall in love with her then cut them off.
Thats not who i loved.....its just like when you cut your hand it will heal and scar over but the wound will always be there.
I figure i have to go thru a year or two without her,thru all the
holidays and times i would have spent with her by myself before i am really used to living alone.

annb posted 5/5/2014 05:34 AM

Hi, RiseAbove, a welcome to SI.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this pain, but the truth is you did find out who she really is and the rose-colored glasses came off.

The best thing you can do for yourself now is to try to stay busy...find a hobby, volunteer, meet with friends and family, join a gym. Anything to get your mind off of the emotional roller coaster, even for snippets of time here and there.

You will get through this, one day at a time.

Have you checked out the Healing Library? Great resource.

Tren0R201 posted 5/5/2014 05:41 AM

Let her go. Does she really deserve all this time and effort you're spending on her.

For me the best revenge is living your life to the full, having fun, dating etc.

I've been betrayed, been exactly where you are, wondering where all the time we had together not real? I tried wrapping my head around it but in the end it was like a cord wrapped around my neck, choking all the joy and trust I had left inside..all for what? I let go. She did what she did, now it's over. I will not waste a single second pining or grieving over someone who showed me so little respect.

Let go and unburden yourself and start to live again. Good luck!

justasinger posted 5/5/2014 07:29 AM

I agree with what's been said before, and applaud your apparent resolve this early after DDay. I would like to add that from what I have seen, it's probably best if you don't get involved with another right away, or else you will risk damaging what could otherwise be a great and rewarding relationship. Easier said than done, I know, but from my perspective you can never be truly happy with someone, unless you are truly happy by yourself. I have heard of people being completely healed and ready for the dating world in just a few short months, and I've heard where people aren't ready even after years.
Even though you have broken all contact with your XWSO, I would encourage you to read the 180 (found in the healing library, located here )

RiseAbove22 posted 5/5/2014 13:48 PM

annb yes i have been doing exactly that,trying to stay busy doing things i didn't do so much when i was with her.
such as i have got back into art and painting that sort of thing.

Tren0R201 i really try my best to not think of her but its very hard to just turn it off,i even dream of her,or nightmares really.
it was so sudden,learning how to live after 14 years with someone is
a difficult process,I'm used to sharing everything with her.
I'm pretty much a loner now,a one man wolf pack because all the years i was with her i pushed all my friends away and she was my world. now I'm trying to master being alone and working on getting to know who i am. to top it off i have a chronic medical condition so I'm unemployed and don't really have human contact except for a few family members.

justasinger i agree and have the same mindset about being with someone this soon,i can't take on a relationship til i know myself and can avoid bringing old relationship baggage into a new relationship. I don't know where i would meet someone anyway,
that is what is most depressing to me is that i know I'm gonna be alone for a long time if not forever.
i know she is not good for me and i would never trust her again.
i just have those days where one minute i absolutely hate her and 5 minutes later i miss her and want her contact or emotional support.
i am proud to say though in 3 months i haven't broke down and called or text her or asked her to come back to me,it makes me look weak if i do and it also sends her the signal that what she did was OK and its NOT!
Thanx everybody for your kind words….

RiseAbove22 posted 5/5/2014 20:29 PM

damnUnicorns posted 5/6/2014 09:27 AM

Rise. .. you sound very strong. I'm in a similar boat. I currently live with my WH, but I have little to no human contact besides him & my daughter. I'm also unemployed & have a chronic illness.
That's all so daunting.

I'm sorry you're facing this without a support system.
I know how much additional stress that causes.
Just wanted you to know someone understands how you feel in that regard.

Wishing you well. Hugs!

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 9:29 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)]

confused615 posted 5/6/2014 10:26 AM


RiseAbove22 posted 5/6/2014 14:16 PM

Thanx guys!
damnunicorns it sounds like we have a lot in common we should talk sometime.
i can't send pm's yet because of my post count but in the future.
Take it easy!

betrayedpregnant posted 5/6/2014 14:21 PM

hi, sorry to find us here. Our situations are similar as we never saw it coming, and we were both faithful, so we assumed that they were faithful too.

in fact, for years right up to the day my husband announced he was leaving, he hugged and kissed me everyday, held my hands in be every night, frequently called during the day to chat, he kept telling me how happy he was, i'm so beautiful, he loves me so much, he'll love me until he dies, he's so lucky i want to have his baby, he doesn't want a child with anyone else but me.... but he left me suddenly at 6.5 months pregnant, and shortly after already living with his girlfriend...

And I had the same questions as you... where did the "i love you until i die" go? he just said it yesterday! Did they throw away all those years of love overnight? only one logical explanation. Even though they led us on that they were happy, i think that the sad truth is that they've actually emotionally detached themselves from us a while back.

Your relationship was so long, you must be hurting bad. I pray that you will someday find comfort, peace, and the love you deserve.

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