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Newest Member: WinterWillow (46560)

User Topic: New Here
♂ 43325
Member # 43325
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Everyone, I'm new here and thought id say hello.
I hope to get to know some of you and be a source of encouragement and receive it as well.
My story is pretty long which i will post later but the short version is
i spent close to 15 years with a girl and lived with her for 12 just to find out she had been cheating for over 3 years with multiple people and has been in a relationship with one of the guys since this past fall. DURING THE HOLIDAYS! she told me the whole story and left me back in Feb.
i have since moved out and we no longer speak to each other.
Its pretty weird that she can turn off 14 years in one day.
she did a really good job of acting and hiding this from me,acting like she cared etc.
I never once cheated on her and i thought at some point we would have kids,be married,move into a bigger house.
its probably good that didn't happen looking back and now discovering who she REALLY is. Well thats the short version of it.
would Love to chat and hear some feedback….

Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2014
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome RiseAbove22. Glad you found us but sorry you are here.

How are you holding up? I see you are just a few months out from DDay. How can we help?

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 42856
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((RiseAbove22))) I'm so sorry you're here, but you're in a great place under the circumstances. A cheater's mindset is hard to understand and you may never get the answers as to why. Under your circumstances, it is better that you found out now before you moved on to marriage and/or kids.

I really don't have a lot of advice right now as I'm still relatively new to my pain as well, but I wanted to let you know I've heard you and I do feel your pain. Take some time to read the healing library (in the upper left hand corner in yellow) and be sure to take time for yourself. Eat, drink water, and try to sleep. Healing is going to take time. Post often. There is a great support group here!

Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ 43325
Member # 43325
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have my good days and my bad days like most in this situation.
The loneliness isn't fun,its a process getting used to living alone after living with and loving someone for over a decade.
its also a process of your mind adjusting to realizing you didn't really know someone. the person i was with seemed to be such a caring,loving,charitable person willing to help anyone just to find out everything she claims to be is false. she has sexual and substance addictions and issues i didn't even know about
….its sad….for both of us.

[This message edited by RiseAbove22 at 8:37 PM, May 4th (Sunday)]

Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2014
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Its pretty weird that she can turn off 14 years in one day.
she did a really good job of acting and hiding this from me,acting like she cared etc.

I suspect that it isn't that she didn't love you or care for you. It is hard to fake that. I think that you will probably find when you look back on things is that she loved herself at the expense of others.

Take the time to look back through things see if you can detect when patterns emerged. This will be a part of your healing journey. The need to understand what signs you missed along the way, so that you are aware of them in your future whomever it may be with.


Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Posts: 53726 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
♀ 42856
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is very much like a grieving process. You grieve for the person you once knew. It's painful to move to acceptance that that person is no longer the one you fell in love with. You also need to realize that in no way are you to blame for any of it. Your partner had/has issues that were there all along but was adept at hiding them from you. That's not your fault in any way. Take one day at a time. Healing will come as you process through all of this. (((hugs)))

Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ 43325
Member # 43325
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

moving upward the only thing i noticed was her being more depressed and removed the past year or so but i assumed it was from a death in her family but now i know it was from the guilt of her cheating. she told me she would have continued to cheat with random people and never tell me if it wasn't for her developing feelings for this recent guy she was with. i guess he was worth more than knowing me for 15 years.

Leftoutinthecold i totally agree and know exactly what you mean about grieving for the person you once knew.
she up and changed so fast i don't grieve who she is now i feel sorry for her but i grieve the girl i once knew that was so happy and loving. i feel like she died or something.

Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2014
♀ 41951
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry RiseAbove...
You are one of the lucky ones that can maybe move on to some one better for you. But stick with this forum, there are reasons we all go through this, and maybe you can figure it out before it happens to you again. I'm still somewhat new here too, so maybe those with more wisdom will come forward and guide you. I lived with my WS for nine years, married him and after 26 year of marriage, found out I was a BS for 2 years. So it can happen to anyone. I commend you for reaching out. Stick with your gut .Be strong and don't make the same mistake again. There is something better for you.

" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 147 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
♂ 43325
Member # 43325
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thankyou. Im sorry for your situation as well.
People that do what theyve done to us are whats wrong with the world. Hope we can talk later.

Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2014
♀ 43218
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey be happy you didn't get married. It is shocking to know that the person you have been with for so many years that you thought you knew turns out to be a person you never really knew at all. My WH tried to tell me that no matter who he ends up with after all he's done, stressing that he would like it to be me. That he would never ever cheat on anybody again. My thought. I gave him 18 years of being honest, faithful, n loyal. A son and a daughter. If he can't be faithful having that, he's never going to be.

[This message edited by needadvise at 11:21 PM, May 4th (Sunday)]

BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe

Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
♂ 43325
Member # 43325
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear of your situation.
I know it sucks to put in so many years with someone thinking they will be your life partner only to have them change and fail you. Makes no sense to me. But most of us in this situation were with people that wont ever be happy.
They will continue to do this to other people as well.
I feel sorry for anyone thats in my ex girlfriends path because she is very decieving,she has led so many guys on,catfished people,made fake profiles with other girls pictures,made guys fall in love with her then cut them off.
Thats not who i loved.....its just like when you cut your hand it will heal and scar over but the wound will always be there.
I figure i have to go thru a year or two without her,thru all the
holidays and times i would have spent with her by myself before i am really used to living alone.

Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2014
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, RiseAbove, a welcome to SI.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this pain, but the truth is you did find out who she really is and the rose-colored glasses came off.

The best thing you can do for yourself now is to try to stay busy...find a hobby, volunteer, meet with friends and family, join a gym. Anything to get your mind off of the emotional roller coaster, even for snippets of time here and there.

You will get through this, one day at a time.

Have you checked out the Healing Library? Great resource.

Posts: 7740 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
♂ 39633
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let her go. Does she really deserve all this time and effort you're spending on her.

For me the best revenge is living your life to the full, having fun, dating etc.

I've been betrayed, been exactly where you are, wondering where all the time we had together not real? I tried wrapping my head around it but in the end it was like a cord wrapped around my neck, choking all the joy and trust I had left inside..all for what? I let go. She did what she did, now it's over. I will not waste a single second pining or grieving over someone who showed me so little respect.

Let go and unburden yourself and start to live again. Good luck!

Posts: 327 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ 43031
Member # 43031
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what's been said before, and applaud your apparent resolve this early after DDay. I would like to add that from what I have seen, it's probably best if you don't get involved with another right away, or else you will risk damaging what could otherwise be a great and rewarding relationship. Easier said than done, I know, but from my perspective you can never be truly happy with someone, unless you are truly happy by yourself. I have heard of people being completely healed and ready for the dating world in just a few short months, and I've heard where people aren't ready even after years.
Even though you have broken all contact with your XWSO, I would encourage you to read the 180 (found in the healing library, located here )

BSO -me 38
WSO - her 30
2x DD ages 6 and 4
D-day #1 APR08 (supposed ONS w/OM)
D-day #2 1JAN13 2x ONS w/OM and OW, and a ONS
D-day #3 22APR14 (admitted to another ONS that she didn't fess up to during DDay #2)

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New England
♂ 43325
Member # 43325
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

annb yes i have been doing exactly that,trying to stay busy doing things i didn't do so much when i was with her.
such as i have got back into art and painting that sort of thing.

Tren0R201 i really try my best to not think of her but its very hard to just turn it off,i even dream of her,or nightmares really.
it was so sudden,learning how to live after 14 years with someone is
a difficult process,I'm used to sharing everything with her.
I'm pretty much a loner now,a one man wolf pack because all the years i was with her i pushed all my friends away and she was my world. now I'm trying to master being alone and working on getting to know who i am. to top it off i have a chronic medical condition so I'm unemployed and don't really have human contact except for a few family members.

justasinger i agree and have the same mindset about being with someone this soon,i can't take on a relationship til i know myself and can avoid bringing old relationship baggage into a new relationship. I don't know where i would meet someone anyway,
that is what is most depressing to me is that i know I'm gonna be alone for a long time if not forever.
i know she is not good for me and i would never trust her again.
i just have those days where one minute i absolutely hate her and 5 minutes later i miss her and want her contact or emotional support.
i am proud to say though in 3 months i haven't broke down and called or text her or asked her to come back to me,it makes me look weak if i do and it also sends her the signal that what she did was OK and its NOT!
Thanx everybody for your kind words….

Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2014
♂ 43325
Member # 43325
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2014
♀ 42691
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rise. .. you sound very strong. I'm in a similar boat. I currently live with my WH, but I have little to no human contact besides him & my daughter. I'm also unemployed & have a chronic illness.
That's all so daunting.

I'm sorry you're facing this without a support system.
I know how much additional stress that causes.
Just wanted you to know someone understands how you feel in that regard.

Wishing you well. Hugs!

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 9:29 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)]

Unremorseful WH-48
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


FWH 46
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled. Love my "new" husband!

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 8364 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
♂ 43325
Member # 43325
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanx guys!
damnunicorns it sounds like we have a lot in common we should talk sometime.
i can't send pm's yet because of my post count but in the future.
Take it easy!

Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2014
♀ 43304
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi, sorry to find us here. Our situations are similar as we never saw it coming, and we were both faithful, so we assumed that they were faithful too.

in fact, for years right up to the day my husband announced he was leaving, he hugged and kissed me everyday, held my hands in be every night, frequently called during the day to chat, he kept telling me how happy he was, i'm so beautiful, he loves me so much, he'll love me until he dies, he's so lucky i want to have his baby, he doesn't want a child with anyone else but me.... but he left me suddenly at 6.5 months pregnant, and shortly after already living with his girlfriend...

And I had the same questions as you... where did the "i love you until i die" go? he just said it yesterday! Did they throw away all those years of love overnight? only one logical explanation. Even though they led us on that they were happy, i think that the sad truth is that they've actually emotionally detached themselves from us a while back.

Your relationship was so long, you must be hurting bad. I pray that you will someday find comfort, peace, and the love you deserve.

Posts: 337 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
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