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Helping him find his daughter

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TattoodChinaDoll posted 5/5/2014 01:03 AM

Well...this night certainly didn't turn out how I expected. Surprise surprise nothing has changed between us. I need a shadow to help me with the 180. I've done it before so I know it's possible. I know it's about making me strong. I need to get it out of my head that trying to stick up for myself with him is not a way to show my strength.

Anyway, I wasn't going to post about that. I actually was going to post a support thread for all the people out there who find Mother's Day to be a trigger. I know it's been weighing heavy on me since my second miscarriage in January. Whether it is because the A and Mother's Day have a connection, people are missing their mothers and their support, or other triggers relating to being a mother and the A, I was going to offer hugs and an "you're not alone." Well, here are the hugs and support! But this isn't going to be about that either.

It's been mentioned by TTMU (awhile ago) that when he was 17 he got his girlfriend pregnant. She was 15 at the time. They broke up and we started dating not long after. He didn't know she was pregnant. A few months into our relationship he got a call from her about it. His family basically rug swept it and never offered any support. Don't talk about it and then nothing is wrong, right? So here I was....16....and being his support. Reassuring him and telling him that I'd still be there for him. Over the years I have been the only one to bring it up to him. Asking him how he felt and what he thought. I didn't bring it up often but I was the ONLY one. He was offered pictures years ago and he never took the offer. So tonight he gets on my case how I wasn't there for him when he brought it up right before our youngest was born and how that might have contributed to how he felt to make him have an A. Honestly, I don't remember this conversation. He said I brushed him off. I told him that the only thing I could think of was being worried about how things would be with our children. He wasn't always the epitome of responsibility. Selfish has been a word used for many many years to describe him. And maybe that I had our family on our mind because I was anxious how he would handle things. Of course he says I'm making excuses. It's not an excuse. I was just saying what I could only assume what was going through my head at that point. He has made it quite clear that he can't handle his role in this and especially how much more difficult it is with all his screw ups. I was trying to help him see that while he may have done some good things since dday, his consistency doesn't show me love and it doesn't show me that he cares. Everyone has slip ups. The problem with him is that it could be 1 second after he does something good, 1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week....I never know which. And it's not like it's always months then something. I have always supported him with this first child thing and I was ALWAYS the one who brought it up. So if I did brush him off this time, this is where he could see my consistency. I don't remember it but I do remember supporting him in it since then. So he says don't I think having a child he never met and put up for adoption was traumatizing and that he never got help for it. Obviously I can. But if you want to talk excuses there is always an excuses to treat me like shit and not get it. I have always tried to support him with this. Even as a 16 year old!!!! Well, long story even longer...I offered to help find his daughter or the ex girlfriend to try and get him pictures. So I did. Took me all of 2 minutes to find the ex girlfriend and I messages her on Facebook asking for photos of their daughter (obviously not just like that but this is getting long). So yeah...not the way I saw my night going. Helping him get closure. Helping him to at least see this daughter he has never met. I had no motivation for myself. I'm not looking for anything from him. Honestly, I wish I could walk right out of this house and disappear. I'm seriously tired of my life. All I wanted was to be worth something to him and for him to prove it. He would say I would always find a way for him to be proven wrong. I don't have to prove it...he does it himself with his words and actions. He thinks it's all me. He doesn't get what he does. I do hope he gets his pictures. I feel like there is hope for his life to be what he wants. Im not sure what hope I have for myself.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 1:07 AM, May 5th (Monday)]

Edie posted 5/5/2014 01:19 AM


I have not followed your story but coming in cold to this, I suggest you visit the NPD thread down in I Can Relate. They will be the shadow you need.

[This message edited by Edie at 1:20 AM, May 5th (Monday)]

Unagie posted 5/5/2014 05:27 AM

TCD I am sorry honey. You seem to always be carrying the load and I agree you should 180. This sitch with his daughter is his issue to own and has nothing to do with his A, I cant believe he'd even say that you're reaction caused those emotions! he has chosen to not be in this child's life and turned down being able to see her at one yime. That is his issue to own. I understand you are being supportive for him but did you do it because you wanted to hun or because part of you felt you had possibly been unsupportive at some point?

TTMU needs to follow through on everything he says he will do and stop blaming you for things that are not your responsibility.


Catwoman posted 5/5/2014 06:23 AM

I don't see this as NPD, but he does have significant issues with owning his actions and following through on what he says he will do.

He needs to truly man up and stop blaming others for his problems and issues. And, gently, TCD, it is time for you to stop parenting him and let him clean up his own messes and own his own problems. By always stepping in to rescue him, you perpetuate his issues with responsibility and maturity.

Frankly, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. What are the both of you doing to work on that?


TattoodChinaDoll posted 5/5/2014 07:21 AM

You're right about the parenting thing. But I've just never saw it that way. TTMU is so intelligent and mature about so many other things that I always figured that when he saw how an action hurt me, he could use his brain (and what I hoped was love in his heart) to learn why his action/reaction was unhealthy. I've always known that some of the things he has done are beyond selfish, even at 16...I just always assumed he'd learn. Well, I guess the whole you know what happens when you assume thing is true. Right now he is in IC. But I swear like last time I don't see him learning and using tools to control himself. I just see him finding the next excuse to why he hurts me. He is looking into seeing a psychiatrist for anti depressants. He thinks chemically there is something wrong that makes him react in such hurtful ways to me. Even though he doesn't to anyone else...because he controls himself not to hurt them in the first place. I'm trying my best to not put myself in a situation to get hurt. But even when I try my damnedest to placate him first so he can be calm and hopefully safe to share my thoughts with, well....nothing ever works.

tushnurse posted 5/5/2014 07:45 AM


I know this sucks, and you have been in perpetual limbo with TTMU, but I gotta tell you his constant blaming, need for parenting, and inconsistent work on R, AND Now, a chemical imbalance, now that he finds the work too hard, all leads me to one answer.

He needs to own his shit. Period. He still has excuses for his A. Nope Not gonna fly. You have to tell him it's bullshit when you hear it, and you have stop enabling him in the blame game.

He needs to man up, and admit he made crappy choices that ruined your M, your esteem, and turned both your lives upside down, nad then he needs to focus on how to fix it.
Anything less is unacceptable.

I hope YOU can find the strength to demand the love and respect you deserve.

((((and strength)))

TattoodChinaDoll posted 5/5/2014 08:02 AM

He will admit he did something. He'll admit it again and again. But he never learns from it. The sad thing is that I have done the things you all have suggested and tried my best to communicate these ideas with him. I've called him on his bullshit and it always leads to me getting hurt, yelled at, blamed. I've admitted to him over and over that I've used really crappy methods to communicate with him. But it has ALWAYS been after I've tried and tried in healthy ways or just came to him in sadness needing support, not blaming. It really scares me to stand up for myself. He scares me.

With this whole daughter thing, I did do it because I am sure he didn't just leave it all behind 16 years ago. I couldn't force him to confront it. But I always let him know I was there. I keep on checking Facebook. All last night I had dreams about it. At first I was going to tell him that all communication needed to go through me. But I realized...whatever...he hasn't stopped hurting me so if he thinks he deserves to talk to this ex and he tries something stupid, I shouldn't be surprised. He needs to control that. Not me.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 5/5/2014 09:06 AM

I sent the ex girlfriend a message on Facebook. Since we are friends on there and neither of us have blocked on another, will my message go to her other folder?

And here I sit wanting to tell him that I understand what it's like to wait for the answers. That I bet he is anxious and excited. All those years of wondering. But then the resentful part of me wants to say screw you...why should I support you. The part of me that wants to stick up for myself says, "you get what you give and you have given me shit. I made the first step for you but that's it."

TattoodChinaDoll posted 5/5/2014 10:07 AM


Well my question from last post was answered. The ex girlfriend got back to me. Long story short, the daughter's 16th birthday was actually yesterday. TTMU actually didn't know. She had reached out to the ex on Facebook not too long ago and they have been talking. She told me that she will contact the daughter to ask permission to share pictures but I'm guessing if she wanted to find her birth mom she'll want to know her father too. But the ex did send me a picture of the daughter around 1 year old. She looks exactly like our youngest. So, good for him. I hope this brings him some peace. I have no issues with this part of his life story. Like I said, I was there at 16 and had been since. I can't control him. He'll do what he wants. I don't think this will turn some switch and now he won't hurt me. Bring on the next reason. One day I hope something with work out for me.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 10:08 AM, May 5th (Monday)]

norabird posted 5/5/2014 10:17 AM

One day I hope something will work out for me.

You have to take action for things to start working out for you. that means facing your fear, and standing up for yourself. He's not going to magically 'get it' from some lightning bolt. So YOU need to take action, not just keep sitting around hoping in limbo.


Kajem posted 5/5/2014 10:24 AM

. She had reached out to the ex on Facebook not too long ago and they have been talking.

She reached out to him, they have been talking?????

TCD - did you know this BEFORE she told you?

And if they're talking, why isn't HE asking for pictures?

TCD, this is getting my BS meter going. The kind of pinging where the WW has the BS meet the OP without knowing it's the OP. BTDT a few times.

Please protect yourself and 180 him HARD. I don't get a good feeling from this.


Kajem posted 5/5/2014 10:24 AM

. She had reached out to the ex on Facebook not too long ago and they have been talking.

She reached out to him, they have been talking?????

TCD - did you know this BEFORE she told you?

And if they're talking, why isn't HE asking for pictures?

TCD, this is getting my BS meter going. The kind of pinging where the WW has the BS meet the OP without knowing it's the OP. BTDT a few times.

Please protect yourself and 180 him HARD. I don't get a good feeling from this.


TattoodChinaDoll posted 5/5/2014 10:31 AM

No no no. The daughter who was given up for adoption reached out to the birth mom (ex) on Facebook. He hasn't ha any contact with the ex for 16 years. I'm having a hard time putting labels on people because when you say ex girlfriend it's weird to think of someone 16 years ago at 15...and being his first girlfriend. I don't just want to call her birth mom because she was his girlfriend.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 5/5/2014 10:32 AM

Oh...and he totally had me in the same room as OW during the A when I didn't know what was going on. Jerk.

nowiknow23 posted 5/5/2014 10:34 AM

She had reached out to the ex on Facebook not too long ago and they have been talking.
I read this as the DAUGHTER reached out to the ex-GF (her birth mom).

TattoodChinaDoll posted 5/5/2014 11:12 AM

So many emotions. So many thoughts. And none have to do with him finally having some connection with his first daughter. I truly see it as a wonderful thing. All have to do with my life up to this point and wondering where I went wrong. Feeling very pointless right now. I didn't do this because I wanted something out of it. But it is disheartening to know that no matter how much good I do and for no other reason than I want to do the good, I will always be hurt....not even stagnant. Every time I open my mouth or do anything, I will be hurt in return.

MissMouseMo posted 5/5/2014 11:22 AM

Isn't it funny how the most tenderhearted among us, at the first outrageously wrong accusation, *jump* to "behave"?

You were insultingly and wrongly accused of not caring over the years? By the *W*H? Really?

"He will admit he did something. He'll admit it again and again. But he never learns ...." --I think I hear someone else doing this as well.

You are generous and giving. Take heart. This is only a lesson to learn.

tushnurse posted 5/5/2014 11:24 AM

It doesn't have to be that way.
It stops when you say it does.
YOU are Capable and strong. Why do you accept so much less than you are worth?

TattoodChinaDoll posted 5/5/2014 11:29 AM

It's just turned into me having to love more and support more. He has to be loved more. I've been here for 16 years supporting him in this situation. Like I said, I was the only one to ever bring it up. Doing this was the right thing to do. But I just can't support him fully. I can't have empathy for his heartache and joys when he has left me when I needed him the most. He has hurt me when I needed the support. 16 years I was there for him.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 5/5/2014 11:31 AM

And no I don't learn. Because it hurts so much to admit he doesn't love me. I know it's true. I know it intellectually and in my heart that he doesn't. Love doesn't do what he has done to me.

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