Anyway, I wasn't going to post about that. I actually was going to post a support thread for all the people out there who find Mother's Day to be a trigger. I know it's been weighing heavy on me since my second miscarriage in January. Whether it is because the A and Mother's Day have a connection, people are missing their mothers and their support, or other triggers relating to being a mother and the A, I was going to offer hugs and an "you're not alone." Well, here are the hugs and support! But this isn't going to be about that either.
It's been mentioned by TTMU (awhile ago) that when he was 17 he got his girlfriend pregnant. She was 15 at the time. They broke up and we started dating not long after. He didn't know she was pregnant. A few months into our relationship he got a call from her about it. His family basically rug swept it and never offered any support. Don't talk about it and then nothing is wrong, right? So here I was....16....and being his support. Reassuring him and telling him that I'd still be there for him. Over the years I have been the only one to bring it up to him. Asking him how he felt and what he thought. I didn't bring it up often but I was the ONLY one. He was offered pictures years ago and he never took the offer. So tonight he gets on my case how I wasn't there for him when he brought it up right before our youngest was born and how that might have contributed to how he felt to make him have an A. Honestly, I don't remember this conversation. He said I brushed him off. I told him that the only thing I could think of was being worried about how things would be with our children. He wasn't always the epitome of responsibility. Selfish has been a word used for many many years to describe him. And maybe that I had our family on our mind because I was anxious how he would handle things. Of course he says I'm making excuses. It's not an excuse. I was just saying what I could only assume what was going through my head at that point. He has made it quite clear that he can't handle his role in this and especially how much more difficult it is with all his screw ups. I was trying to help him see that while he may have done some good things since dday, his consistency doesn't show me love and it doesn't show me that he cares. Everyone has slip ups. The problem with him is that it could be 1 second after he does something good, 1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week....I never know which. And it's not like it's always months then something. I have always supported him with this first child thing and I was ALWAYS the one who brought it up. So if I did brush him off this time, this is where he could see my consistency. I don't remember it but I do remember supporting him in it since then. So he says don't I think having a child he never met and put up for adoption was traumatizing and that he never got help for it. Obviously I can. But if you want to talk excuses there is always an excuses to treat me like shit and not get it. I have always tried to support him with this. Even as a 16 year old!!!! Well, long story even longer...I offered to help find his daughter or the ex girlfriend to try and get him pictures. So I did. Took me all of 2 minutes to find the ex girlfriend and I messages her on Facebook asking for photos of their daughter (obviously not just like that but this is getting long). So yeah...not the way I saw my night going. Helping him get closure. Helping him to at least see this daughter he has never met. I had no motivation for myself. I'm not looking for anything from him. Honestly, I wish I could walk right out of this house and disappear. I'm seriously tired of my life. All I wanted was to be worth something to him and for him to prove it. He would say I would always find a way for him to be proven wrong. I don't have to prove it...he does it himself with his words and actions. He thinks it's all me. He doesn't get what he does. I do hope he gets his pictures. I feel like there is hope for his life to be what he wants. Im not sure what hope I have for myself.
[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 1:07 AM, May 5th (Monday)]
Confronted him: 12/22/2011
This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
I have not followed your story but coming in cold to this, I suggest you visit the NPD thread down in I Can Relate. They will be the shadow you need.
[This message edited by Edie at 1:20 AM, May 5th (Monday)]
TTMU needs to follow through on everything he says he will do and stop blaming you for things that are not your responsibility.
He needs to truly man up and stop blaming others for his problems and issues. And, gently, TCD, it is time for you to stop parenting him and let him clean up his own messes and own his own problems. By always stepping in to rescue him, you perpetuate his issues with responsibility and maturity.
Frankly, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. What are the both of you doing to work on that?
I know this sucks, and you have been in perpetual limbo with TTMU, but I gotta tell you his constant blaming, need for parenting, and inconsistent work on R, AND Now, a chemical imbalance, now that he finds the work too hard, all leads me to one answer.
He needs to own his shit. Period. He still has excuses for his A. Nope Not gonna fly. You have to tell him it's bullshit when you hear it, and you have stop enabling him in the blame game.
He needs to man up, and admit he made crappy choices that ruined your M, your esteem, and turned both your lives upside down, nad then he needs to focus on how to fix it.
Anything less is unacceptable.
I hope YOU can find the strength to demand the love and respect you deserve.
With this whole daughter thing, I did do it because I am sure he didn't just leave it all behind 16 years ago. I couldn't force him to confront it. But I always let him know I was there. I keep on checking Facebook. All last night I had dreams about it. At first I was going to tell him that all communication needed to go through me. But I realized...whatever...he hasn't stopped hurting me so if he thinks he deserves to talk to this ex and he tries something stupid, I shouldn't be surprised. He needs to control that. Not me.
And here I sit wanting to tell him that I understand what it's like to wait for the answers. That I bet he is anxious and excited. All those years of wondering. But then the resentful part of me wants to say screw you...why should I support you. The part of me that wants to stick up for myself says, "you get what you give and you have given me shit. I made the first step for you but that's it."
Well my question from last post was answered. The ex girlfriend got back to me. Long story short, the daughter's 16th birthday was actually yesterday. TTMU actually didn't know. She had reached out to the ex on Facebook not too long ago and they have been talking. She told me that she will contact the daughter to ask permission to share pictures but I'm guessing if she wanted to find her birth mom she'll want to know her father too. But the ex did send me a picture of the daughter around 1 year old. She looks exactly like our youngest. So, good for him. I hope this brings him some peace. I have no issues with this part of his life story. Like I said, I was there at 16 and had been since. I can't control him. He'll do what he wants. I don't think this will turn some switch and now he won't hurt me. Bring on the next reason. One day I hope something with work out for me.
[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 10:08 AM, May 5th (Monday)]
One day I hope something will work out for me.
You have to take action for things to start working out for you. that means facing your fear, and standing up for yourself. He's not going to magically 'get it' from some lightning bolt. So YOU need to take action, not just keep sitting around hoping in limbo.
. She had reached out to the ex on Facebook not too long ago and they have been talking.
She reached out to him, they have been talking?????
TCD - did you know this BEFORE she told you?
And if they're talking, why isn't HE asking for pictures?
TCD, this is getting my BS meter going. The kind of pinging where the WW has the BS meet the OP without knowing it's the OP. BTDT a few times.
Please protect yourself and 180 him HARD. I don't get a good feeling from this.
She had reached out to the ex on Facebook not too long ago and they have been talking.
"The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it." - Brene Brown
You were insultingly and wrongly accused of not caring over the years? By the *W*H? Really?
"He will admit he did something. He'll admit it again and again. But he never learns ...." --I think I hear someone else doing this as well.
You are generous and giving. Take heart. This is only a lesson to learn.