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Reconciling to Reconciled

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nightmarelife posted 5/5/2014 15:12 PM

For any of you who've gotten there, how long did it take for you to say with confidence that your relationship is reconciled? Did it take the average 2-5 years it takes to recover from the A or less than that? Was the biggest setback the A, problems that existed pre-A, or issues unrelated to the A that emerged during R?

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 5/5/2014 17:28 PM

I'm almost 4 years out. I can say at this point that we will most always be reconciling. Not because our relationship is hopeless but because I've learned that real life is a process. There is no finish line in this where I say "ok, I'm done. We are R'd". I feel I will need to continuously work on myself and work on a healthy M.

But this is my definition. I consider our reconciliation quite successful. We have done a shit ton of work together and separately. We have been through every emotion you can possibly imagine. We have literally spent thousands upon thousands of hours working to make us work.

Our biggest set back has always been me. My affair of course, but also my unwillingness to open up and tell him everything he wanted to know. My stubbornness for thinking I knew what was best. And my inability to make myself vulnerable. It took me well over two years to completely own my behavior and begin to accept that this wouldn't just go away. That I had to work through it. Every. Single. Bit. Of. It.

Honestly as I was able to work through my issues, all of our pre-A garbage was so insignificant. We had to learn new healthy strategies in communication. Kinda learn a new dynamic with conflict.

I remember early on we both hated the word time. We wanted to be on the fast track to healing. But there is no fast track, no car pool lane, no fast pass. You have to work the whole way through. Time doesn't bother me so much these days. I've got nothing but time.

Although we are pretty happy these days, the A still comes up on a daily basis. Either by reading here on SI, a knowing look when someone says something, or just discussing general thoughts. Bad days still happen. Not that often but they are there. The difference is that the feeling of hopelessness has passed. Even on the worst of days, there is no feeling that this could be the thing that tips the scale and ends the M.

There is no magic pill. Just hard work.

Good luck,
WOES

BrokenButTrying posted 5/5/2014 17:41 PM

Isn't common SI wisdom that reconciliation isn't a destination?

It isn't somewhere you're trying to get to, it's what you live every day for the rest of your life.

I hate that 2-5 timeline. After five years do I just stop trying and say 'oh we're healed now' and throw it all away if we're not?
To hell with that! What I'm making is a life long commitment, to be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, person.

I'm only four months out though, which is nothing.

fst86411 posted 5/6/2014 08:20 AM

Walking thank you for your post. I needed to see something along those lines.

Sometime I trigger when I come over to this board but then I read posts like yours and it gives me hope.

Thank you.

lordhasaplan? posted 5/6/2014 08:24 AM

I'm almost 4 years out. I can say at this point that we will most always be reconciling. Not because our relationship is hopeless but because I've learned that real life is a process. There is no finish line in this where I say "ok, I'm done. We are R'd". I feel I will need to continuously work on myself and work on a healthy M.

WOES and I are exactly in the same spot on this. I will never get to forgiveness, nor reconciliation. But will rather always be in the process and I am cool with that.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 8:24 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)]

islesguy posted 5/6/2014 11:12 AM

WalkinOnEggshelz,

Wow, it sounds like you are describing me. The biggest setback has been me as well. 2 years of not completely owning my shit as well and now that I am completely owning it, my BS has no confidence left to believe that I am. I am glad to see that you made it through this, I hope that we do as well. If my BS hangs in there, I would expect the reconciling to be forever as well. As much as I hate what I did to put us in this place, I feel it is my absolute responsibility to live it as part of my daily life for the rest of my life. I know my BS will as well. Not only that but even though it is very painful at times, my communication with my wife was never ever this open and abundant.

nightmarelife posted 5/6/2014 23:34 PM

Thanks WOES. I completely agree that reconciliation is not a destination. It's the idea that almost everything in life is an escalator. Either you're going up or you're going down - there's no such thing as staying in the same place. I'm fairly new to SI but what I've noticed in the reading I've done on the forums here is that occasionally there are posters and commenters who'll say that they're "Reconciled". I was just wondering at what point they feel comfortable typing that.

Sometimes I feel like although BH and I haven't completely healed from the A that even BH would see us as "reconciled", but what does that actually mean? I never saw it as meaning we could stop working on our relationship. Even the best of Ms need constant work. I know there's this mutual feeling that our M is definitely going to make it now. We're working hard to solve our pre-A issues and our relationship is better than it's been in several years. It's hard not to be hopeful. I mean, BH forgave me for having the A (with his sister's husband no less) when I was still in the fog and trying to separate from him, before I even wanted his forgiveness.

As for a day going by without thinking of the A, I can't imagine that ever happening at this point, especially since my xAP is our BIL and the OBS BH's sister and they still and will always be a part of our life.

I remember early on we both hated the word time.

Yep, some days I feel like if I hear one more person tell me "It just takes time" I'll shoot myself.

Me: WW
Him: BH
1 DS, 1 DD, and 1 DD on the way
Married 12 years
Dday: 10/26/13

Restartting posted 5/7/2014 11:43 AM

At three years, I feel comfortable referring to us as reconciled. But, that doesn't mean I think our work is done. I totally agree that our relationship will and should always evolve and need attention and nurturing. I also think that the A will and should come up at times.

My feeling is that we are reconciled in that we have worked very hard on ourselves as individuals and on our marriage, I have a healthy (not blind) level of trust in FWH, and I honestly feel as though our marriage is the best it has ever been. To me, that is reconciled. We are at a point where I am quite certain that the A is a non-factor in our continued relationship -- in other words, if we were to seperate in the future (I hope not!), I would not say that the A was the reason.

But, I also think the word reconciled, like the word forgiven, probably has different meanings to different people.

[This message edited by Restartting at 11:44 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)]

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