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User Topic: Opinions on my new dating thing
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a disclaimer, I over think things. Like, really over think things. And I have all these thoughts going around in my head about this new guy that I just want to put out there and get some opinions. I'm scared of getting hurt again, and admittedly my judgment wasn't the best in the past.

I've known him for about two months. He hasn't violated any of the deal breakers that I set for myself in IC. We have great chemistry, and the time literally flies by every time that we are together. We talk very easily, which is a big deal to me. He seems very accepting of me, and seems easy going. He's cool with me hanging out with my friends without him, and he doesn't seem to get jealous very easily. I've been bluntly honest with him about myself, and I haven't tried to make myself seem better than I am like I somewhat did with xwBF at the beginning. There are also little things that I really like about him, like if he's running late he tells me he will meet me there instead of making me wait at home for him and be late myself.

There is really only one thing that irritates me about him, and it's minor. I'm very much a planner, and he's not. He'll suggest plans, and then wait until an hour before to give me the details. We finally had a talk about it though this weekend, so I'm hoping that will improve.

I guess my main concern is that I'm getting more attached than he is. I really like him. I look forward to seeing him. And I'm not sure "what" we are. We had a talk last weekend where we said that we weren't seeing other people, and that we were only seeing each other. He met my friends for the first time this week. Someone asked how we knew each other, and I responded "we are dating" after a little pause. Neither of us has used the bf/gf word yet. He was joking about it yesterday, and said that he liked my response. He said it was better than "we are hooking up." So I asked whether that was all we were doing, or if we were dating. He said that he enjoys talking to me, so he thinks it's more than just hooking up. I tried to ask what he wanted (casual or serious), but got flustered and didn't ask it right and the conversation got changed. He said something like he wants to see where it leads. So I'm not sure what he's looking for, and I don't feel comfortable bringing it up again myself. I know we are only seeing each other, but I'm not sure if it's casual or serious. Or really what the difference is.

We also had the ex talk for the first time last night. He was engaged, and it ended at the end of last year unexpectedly. She left him, and he looked sad when he was talking about it. I asked him if he was over her, and he said as much as he could be. I asked him if he would go back to her if she asked for a second chance, and he said he didn't know. He said she changed a lot when she left. If it was that side of her, definitely not. If it was the original side of her, he didn't know. And he said that he knew it wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was the truth. They are not in contact at all right now. So, I really appreciate the truth. It makes me like him even more, because he could have easily lied about it to make me feel good. But I'm worried that I'll get attached, and then she'll come back in the picture. I really don't want to get hurt again. I got kind of quiet after the talk, and he said that the past is in the past. So I don't want to over think it with him, but I also want to be cautious.

My last relationship was the opposite of normal. In retrospect, I now know that my ex was probably BPD. He asked me to be his girlfriend on the third date, and lavished me with attention. I felt like the center of his world. But he hid a lot of stuff about himself, and ended up cheating with multiple women. And then stalking me when I tried to leave. So understandably, I'm trying to be cautious now. But I also don't really know what to expect in a normal dating thing, and how it's supposed to progress. My last new dating thing other than the cheating ex was when I was 21 and in college.

Does it seem like we are progressing normally? I just like him, and I'm worried about getting hurt.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
jjct
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Not knowing" if he'd take her back would put my relationship into the casual category. Don't know if I'd end it, but I'd definitely be protecting myself.
He's not ready for exclusivity...he hasn't fully healed yet. Honesty appreciated, yes.
If you're exclusive, and he 'doesn't know', isn't that like a "dry" EA?

Posts: 6840 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said something like he wants to see where it leads.

This means not committed and completely casual. He's keeping his options open in case somebody else comes along. By saying this, you can't come back and say he led you on because he never actually said he was committed.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13881 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This means not committed and completely casual. He's keeping his options open in case somebody else comes along. By saying this, you can't come back and say he led you on because he never actually said he was committed.

I see what you're saying, but he also told me that he's not seeing anyone else. He took his OLD profile down before I did, and told me he took it down because he doesn't like dating multiple people at the same time. He said it forces you to lie to at least one person, so he doesn't do it. So I feel confused.

He's not ready for exclusivity...he hasn't fully healed yet. Honesty appreciated, yes.
If you're exclusive, and he 'doesn't know', isn't that like a "dry" EA?

Yeah... it worries me. I still have moments where I think of my ex, and I know I'm probably not 100% healed either. But I do know 100% that I would not go back with him. We discussed that last night too. I told him that my ex cheated, and I stayed for about 8 months to try to make it work. He thought that was good of me, and thought it was good that I don't have any "what ifs" now.

He did say that he's not in contact with her at all now. She told him to not contact her, so he doesn't. And he avoids where she works.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 4:12 PM, May 5th (Monday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 4:04 PM, May 5th (Monday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
asurvivor
♂ 32368
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so here are the key points for me: 1. We have known each other for 2 months. (not long) 2. He said "it's better than hooking up." (Huh? I must be getting old but that isn't the most romantic thing I've ever heard) 3. Oh forget any of the rest, those alone say to me that you might want to slow the hell down. I get the fact that relationships are important to people but you might want to hang on to your heart a bit until there is a bit more there.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 587 | Registered: Jun 2011
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said "it's better than hooking up." (Huh? I must be getting old but that isn't the most romantic thing I've ever heard)

It was said in a joking context. It was obvious that the question by my friend asking how we knew each other threw me off guard, so I think he was teasing me some about my pause and eventual response.

He's actually been very, very respectful sexually. I was worried about dating because I thought guys would expect sex quickly. This guy has taken it much slower than even I wanted to take it though, which was pretty slow. I commented on it once, and he said that he didn't want me to think that he was only interested in one thing.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That comment about his ex would throw a yellow flag up for me. It did in my previous relationship. I could tell when he talked about his ex, he wasn't completely "over her". Later, when we were ending, one of the things the said was, "I'm not feeling the same way about you that I felt about her…" to which my reply was, "Wait, you mean that she stalked you to go out with her, it was 'perfect' for a few months, then she cheated on you…and you don't feel the same?"

I kinda knew then that he hadn't done the emotional work he needed to do to work past that relationship. He was hung up on the few good months they had instead of looking at the relationship as a whole…and comparing me to the few good months they had. It was very confusing. If you are comparing, you aren't ready to date yet.

Plus, after dating for 2 months and exclusive…you should feel comfortable enough to have at least some kind of "what are you thinking" conversation. I can see "letting things happen", but he is being very noncommittal about anything. Which, unfortunately, would throw another yellow flag up.

Proceed with caution and err to the side this is casual for him. See what happens.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4284 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
fireproof
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Depending on the length of the engagement and his suttle clues to not have the "talk" I would have other interests and still casually date.

Honestly some people don't even know themselves not dating anyone and committing to exclusivity are two different things.

Take time and you will know. 2 months is not that long. You may decide you dodged a bullet with his inability to commit or after the point that it is important to you - you bring up exclusivity.

I want someone to be there because of me I would enjoy until you get your feet underneath you- he just ended his engagement (a year isn't that long either).

This will also help to keep things in perspective. Enjoy and let things fall naturally.

[This message edited by fireproof at 5:45 PM, May 5th (Monday)]


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jul 2012
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get a not very committed vibe. If you know you want commitment, it's okay to state that, too! Draw the limes in the sand and be true to yourself rather then just going with the flow.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good point cmego. I was worried about her coming back into the picture, but I guess there's also just the possibility that I won't compare to her in his mind.

I've been careful to go slow and keep my expectations low. I only see him probably once, sometimes twice, a week. I make sure that I still have my own hobbies and do things separately with my friends. But I've noticed the past couple weeks that I'm thinking about him more. I'm happy the whole day after I see him, and look forward to the next time. I can feel myself getting attached. I think I'd be fine right now if he poofed, but probably not in another month if I keep getting more attached. Just worries me. Other than the fact that I guess he's moving slower than me, I think he's a great guy.

Nora, what do you mean by commitment? I'm so confused on all these dating terms. I know he's not seeing other people, so he is committed in that sense.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 7:41 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
little turtle
♀ 15584
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked him if he would go back to her if she asked for a second chance, and he said he didn't know.

He's clearly not over his ex. Did he say why she left him unexpectedly? It is good that he's respected her request to not contact her and that he avoids her workplace. But it's not good that he hasn't closed the door with her. If she were to randomly show up, he may get back together with her...based on what you've said. Do you want to pursue a relationship with someone who may leave you for his ex?? This is why we're cautioning you to go slow. And keep it casual. AKA - don't get attached!!

commitment--
: a promise to do or give something
: a promise to be loyal to someone or something
: the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something

While he said he isn't dating other people, he also hasn't expressed any commitment to you. Commitment and exclusivity aren't the same. He took down his dating profile. He isn't dating others. That's being exclusive. He hasn't made any promises to you. He has said that he may not be loyal to you (with regards to his ex). I think he's in an exclusive, casual relationship with you. I think you're in an exclusive, committed relationship with him. Does that make sense?


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4247 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you two are still too new to make any real long term commitment. Two months, and you only see him once or twice a week? That is only 8 to 10 times together. He is dating you exclusively and took his profile down. That proves to me he is willing to give this a shot.

I think he sounds like a good guy that isn't exactly sure what he wants at this point but he likes what you two have so far, and that is okay. I don't see how he could feel a deep bond with you just yet. You know, we want someone that makes us a priority and loves us deeply, but it honestly takes time for those feelings to develop. My gut on this one is that he is long-term material, but he is still a bit hurt, and he isn't sure he is ready to take that chance again (and you are also a bit worried about getting hurt again, and you are ready to run at the first sight of him not working out....)

The only decision you have to make right now is if he is worth giving a little more time for. Are you in a hurry? What if you stuck around for a bit, then decided you needed a bit more commitment......at that point, he may have gotten really used to you being around and realize his feelings are a bit stronger than he was willing to admit. Maybe. Maybe not. It's a chance you would be taking. Is he worth it? Are you willing to take that chance? He sounds honest and he sounds decent. To me, that makes him worth taking a chance on. But that is just me.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15550 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That makes sense, and I guess explains some of the mixed signals I've been feeling. He's very clear that he's only dating me, but doesn't use terms like bf/gf. He talks about me to his friends, and I've met one of them. He asks to see me every week, and he contacts me daily. He even talks about the future. He found out that he has to work every Saturday for the next eight weeks, and said that sucks for me. But then he will say something like his friends asked if we were bf/gf and he responded that we are just dating. It's been confusing me.

He's clearly not over his ex. Did he say why she left him unexpectedly?

He said that he was supporting her completely, and she wasn't able to handle it. She didn't have a job. When she used her last savings, she moved out. Took all the furniture with her. He said she changed drastically, and said some mean stuff. He said he wasn't expecting it at all. I looked her up on his Facebook, and they're not friends anymore on there. She is working and going to school now.

I don't want to quit seeing him, but I also feel like I'm being dumb getting involved with someone who admitted he's not completely over his ex. He is the one that actively pursued me though at the beginning, so I just feel very mixed up about it.

The only decision you have to make right now is if he is worth giving a little more time for. Are you in a hurry? What if you stuck around for a bit, then decided you needed a bit more commitment......at that point, he may have gotten really used to you being around and realize his feelings are a bit stronger than he was willing to admit. Maybe. Maybe not. It's a chance you would be taking.

I'm not in a hurry at all. It's not that I'm worried about wasting time, it's more that I'm worried I'll get hurt by investing in someone who isn't ready. I guess I can try to step back and look at him as a casual thing, but that's not really the type of person I am. When I care about someone (even friends), I really care.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 10:43 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
getnbtr1
♀ 40540
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just spent 7 months in a relationship with someone and this sounds SO FAMILIAR. He was heartbroken by his ex, and he had to see her often as he coached her kids. I asked him what would happen if she wanted to get back together, and he said "it would be confusing". Well, it finally happened. We broke up 3 weeks ago as a result and he's working things out with her. I'm devastated to say the least. So, definite yellow flag there. Its good that he was honest about his feelings with you, so at least you can be on guard, but this is the last time I will move forward with someone who is still pining after someone else.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This makes sense to me: the first few months of dating are about discovery, not decision making.

You've discovered something new when you had this conversation. You don't have to make a decision about it yet. More information will become available the more you talk and spend time with him. We can't really tell "what he means" from reading about it...you may not be able to tell it either from one conversation. Keep having conversations. Everybody is different, and if you are enjoying yourself now, give it another month or more before making a decision about what it means when he says he is not completely over his fiance and exclusive but not committed etc.

I'm on the same timeline as you with my new fellow, been dating 2 almost 3 months. Seeing each other once or twice a week. Both taking our OLD profiles down and not seeing anyone else. Daily contact by phone. Even the "let's see where this goes" phrase (which I actually really like). New information keeps being discovered. I don't know where it all may lead, I don't need to know. I'm practicing (imperfectly but practicing) just going with the flow!

No one likes the possibility of being hurt, but you can't have the "don't hurt me" walls up all the time or you keep everybody out.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3267 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks better4me. I think I'm just not used to how a normal relationship is supposed to progress, and the normal timeline for it. Your post helped to reassure me.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
Iamacrab
40410
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Lonleygirl - I'm simply here to echo what others have said.
I've been dating someone for 5 months now and we've just hit the bf/gf usage about two weeks ago. I have been analyzing everything as well and the wise people of SI have seen similar posts from me about what is normal. My advice is the same as the rest, this is the discovery phase, not the decision phase, unless there are red flags. Keep it casual and see how it goes. Best wishes to you in this new start.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Iamacrab. That reassures me again. How did the bf/gf terms start to be used in your new thing? Did he bring it up?

And yeah, I've looked for red flags. Did a background check and online research. Haven't found anything, unless you count the possible feelings for the ex. He seems like an honest guy.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 2:50 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
fireproof
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know your story but you are still very young and there is a lot of time.

The terms boyfriend and girlfriend don't matter if the actions don't match the words. Be yourself and spend this time enjoying his company for as long as it lasts- no one knows.

I will say not seeing anyone else and agreeing to exclusivity is different.

Have fun and in time you will be able to see.


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 27
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