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Newest Member: sassylee (45766)

User Topic: Suggestion of stopping MC/Rant
Wayflost
♀ 41583
Member # 41583
Stop  Posted: 6:59 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sitting in the waiting room of my C, and am trying very hard to keep it together until she calls me back.

My BH just told me 20 minutes ago (give or take) that he wants to stop MC. He believes we are wasting time and money. Read: he does not believe that I am honest and vulnerable in our sessions.

And then the other shoe drops. I feel completely ambushed. My BH has turned into a sneak and I liar. I've turned him into a sneak and a liar. The other people who have been in my life have turned him into a sneak and a liar. Somehow in all of this I am not only responsible for myself, but every other goddamn person on the planet. Just fucking awesome.

I screwed up so badly. I am so f*** broken. But I am not in control of the entire planet. I can't change anyone but me! I feel like giving up. I want to crawl into a hole and die.

Please understand I know that my BH feels what I am multiplied by Infiniti. But there is nothing I can do right this minute to change anything. I'm doing everything I can right now just to survive. And I'm failing at life. Big fat F minus on my forehead.

So what now? How do you go about pulling on your big girl panties? How do you keep putting one foot in front of the other?


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 497 | Registered: Dec 2013
EvolvingSoul
♀ 29972
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Your frustration is palpable. Sitting with difficult feelings and being okay with just feeling, well, frustrated and crummy was a skill that I had to learn. Venting does help.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you at the moment but I wanted you to know that someone is listening.

Breathe.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
EvolvingSoul
♀ 29972
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you doing today, Wayflost?


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
wheredoigo
♀ 42327
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((WF)))))

I too was in a horrible place yesterday at IC.

My BH just told me 20 minutes ago (give or take) that he wants to stop MC. He believes we are wasting time and money.

Is there something that is happening in the sessions that might make him feel that the sessions are not successful?

And then the other shoe drops. I feel completely ambushed. My BH has turned into a sneak and I liar. I've turned him into a sneak and a liar. The other people who have been in my life have turned him into a sneak and a liar. Somehow in all of this I am not only responsible for myself, but every other goddamn person on the planet. Just fucking awesome.

You are right. You can only be responsible for yourself. I know you are hurting. It's hard to be the WW that is working hard and giving everything up only to see that your BS isn't working on their side too. (Not that I'm saying that it's not a million times harder for the BS to work on themselves because of our actions)

What is he being dishonest about?

Yesterday I was re-reading "How to Heal your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and this portion stuck out to me and helped me with some issues I'm struggling with as well.

"Such investment (from the WW) brings long-term reward despite the initial difficulty of facing and dealing with the harm you've cause your spouse. Even if your partner decides not to reconcile, you can look back knowing you made a concerted effort to undo the damage, learn valuable lessons, and reduce some fallout of the A."

Hope you are having a better day today.


1st marriage BS to xSAWH (34)
WW-2nd marriage (me) 33 to BS(Jt8d) 36
It's important to heal yourself in a healthy way from all hurt or it will hurt you and the ones you love more than the original hurt before.

Posts: 223 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
Wayflost
♀ 41583
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for checking in guys, I really appreciate it. It's been an emotionally rough 24 hours.

I am on an anti depressant and unfortunately went without it for about 4 days. I saw my doctor this morning and have a renewed prescription. We discussed the side effects of coming off of them without tapering first, and it turns out that the intensity of my reaction (anger) is most likely a secondary emotion to the overwhelming depression.

The good news is that any suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of self harm do not happen any more. Although I will admit that many days I think about how much better life would be for everyone else if I could just stop existing. Not dying so much as disappearing entirely. If that makes any sense.

I am so grateful to my C. To everyone on this site, WS and BS alike. I have cut everyone else from my life and so I appreciate each of you so much.

Today is not necessarily any better emotionally, but it isn't any worse. I managed to sleep some last night, and that always helps. I'm medicated again, and hopeful that it will take the pressure of this enormous weight (anger fear and sadness) off of my chest so I can again breath. I'm trying to find a CoDA meeting to attend today. My job doesn't have a lunch hour, and it seems as though evening meetings aren't very common in my area.

It's one day at a time, right?


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 497 | Registered: Dec 2013
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WF)))

I completely relate to wanting to disappear, I felt that way when my eldest son was born. It's horrible but you will get through it.

Hope you are ok, sending a whole ton of strength your way.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
splitintwo
♀ 42951
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate:

I will admit that many days I think about how much better life would be for everyone else if I could just stop existing.

And your doc is right. Stopping without tapering is the single worst thing you can do to your mental health--not only to your normal symptoms come back with a vengeance, but the anger & other volatile emotions are quite common. Many docs will call in a new RX or an emergency supply because of this.

It's one day at a time, right?

Yep. The only way out is through. Some days the sludge is very thick indeed. Glad you're feeling a bit better today.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
Wayflost
♀ 41583
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Panic attacks and tears at work are not a great way to keep a new job.

The back story:

I took BH out of the country for his birthday over the weekend. We had a great time.

Apparently he reached out to one of the many people in my past that I had terrible boundaries with. By that I mean: trash talked my relationship, spent time with him around my mother, did not stand up for my BH when my mother trash talked my BH, gave the nod (even if I never realized it). These are the things I KNOW I did. I don't remember much, the relationship was 10 years ago, and I know that I minimized my behavior to myself as part of my rationalization.

My BH told that person that we were no longer together and that he wanted to know the truth about what had happened. Yesterday, I guess, that person responded.I have no idea what this man said to my BH. But, I'm guessing, it was something way more than what I've outlined above, because it has been worse than Dday.

I tried to set up an appointment with our MC because I need help talking about all of this. He said no. Well, he said a lot of other stuff too. Again, I'm not enough, I'm not doing enough, I "was" never in this. I hear his anger. He is so hurt, but I can't address anything because I don't know what he was told. He won't hear any apologies no matter how empathetic they are or aren't. He believes I'm only sorry, or angry, or whatever I might be feeling because I was caught, not because I am genuinely sorry. That couldn't be further from the truth. I'm sorry for making the choices I made. I'm sorry for not speaking up sooner about what I was thinking and feeling. I'm sorry for not knowing that I was broken, and for not knowing how bad my boundaries were.

But I can't function like this. I'm thinking that I might just step in front of that bus this afternoon instead of riding it. I won't do it, but I'll be daydreaming about it.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 497 | Registered: Dec 2013
splitintwo
♀ 42951
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Wayflost))))

I'm so sorry you're in this headspace while dealing with "new" problems in the relationship. On days like today, just getting out of bed is enough. Be easy on yourself.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Wayflost)) The changes you have made these last 5-6 months are evident.

I'm sorry for making the choices I made. I'm sorry for not speaking up sooner about what I was thinking and feeling. I'm sorry for not knowing that I was broken, and for not knowing how bad my boundaries were.

That sounds a lot like genuine remorse to me.

You are now controlling your rage, it is no longer controlling you. How does that feel?

No matter what the outcome of your M, stay on the path. Just...not in front of large moving vehicles, mm-kay?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wayf,

I felt very similar to how you are feeling right now shortly after I moved back home and things were not going well with HL and I. I was not on AD's yet and was not wanting to go on them. I was pretty convinced that everyone, including my children would be better off without me, and really wanted to just disappear.

I got on some AD's, things slowly got better, and you read my post from yesterday. What I can tell you is that while it doesn't feel like it today, or maybe even tomorrow, it will get better. YOU are worth it. Stick around here, it really is a great place and the people are great. This will get better. I promise. Big hugs.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Wayflost
♀ 41583
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ES - Thanks for checking in. You are right, my frustration was ruling everything. Well, frustration and fear. My go-to emotions.

WDG - As for what is happening. BH and I were in counseling when my bad boundaries and poor coping skills took leaps and bounds over the affair line. I lied to our counselor and to BH for 2 years of counseling. Three weeks ago I had an assignment from our counselor that I did not complete. I knew it the minute I finished reading aloud the final product.

My BH feels as though it's been 6 months of not talking about any of the issues. Neither of us have the skills to discuss A related topics without a 3rd party. I need the C to call me out when I minimize or dodge responsibility. He needs someone to help navigate the anger, and communicate through it. So do I for that matter.

BBT - thank you for reaching out in support. I read your story and I am struck by your bravery every day. When I compare (I know I know, shouldn't do it) I see how cowardly I am most of the time.

Split - I've learned that lesson well. My GP and I have a plan of action, so I shouldn't run into the same problem of coming off of them in the wrong way again.

20Wrongs - Wow. Thank you. I hope that you are correct. My spoken words are still not always so... empathetic. Just last night I was told I had to be sociopathic to do what I've done. Yeah... BUT - good news, no yelling, no tantrum, just sadness in reaction. It's been a long hard road, and I'm still just starting this journey. My BH deserves a safe, healthy, spouse. I want to be her. Thank you for being there for me - both in the 2 x 4 department, but also in the encouragement department.

TG - thanks. I can already "feel" the meds kicking in. It's amazing how well I respond to them. It was just dumb on my part to allow a lapse, even of only a couple days. My GP and I agreed that I should expect 6-9 months of medication at the very least.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 497 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 12

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