I also think organizing the divorce could be subconsciously telling her you want out..
I would advise you to continue being as understanding and humble as possible. Don't stress too much about what the future holds. Just do the best you can and be the best person you can every single day. Even if she leaves you, decide right now you are going to keep bettering yourself and be dedicated to being a good role model for your kids..
The wisdom around here for the BS is " you'll know when your done." I don't think you need to be making decisions for your wife.
It's incredibly difficult to R. If you can't do it, or you want to end your marriage then make YOUR decision to divorce. But don't assume you know what she wants.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
As a BW I would just take that as he wanted out.
You've already given her a lot to deal with. You need to be patient now and let her process what's happened.
If you love her, and are genuine about R, keep making the effort.
DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014
Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little
If you can't face what you've done and her knowing about and reminding you about it by wanting to talk about it A LOT - let her go.
R is not for the faint hearted. I'm astonished that anyone can achieve it. If you don't think you're up for it then let her go. R is a gift you both give to each other. The WS does do most of the heavy lifting for the first year or two but the success stories are where both end up working hard at to together.
You have to do the work for you. You have to want R for you. Not to save your M or to not lose your wife and intact family. But because YOU want to heal yourself.
Even if she wants S/D you still need to do the work to fix you so you're never in this situation again.
Your problems won't go away if you divorce her. They'll follow you into the next relationship and the next and the next.
This low self esteem would be a major red flag for me as Xs lack of self esteem it is one of the factors that led him to betray me and betray himself in the first place.
Do not presume to know what is in her heart. You don't.
And 1-4 months is a nanosecond in terms of her recovery from this trauma. It takes years for most BS's unless they feel they need to pretend to be over it so that their WS doesn't pull another rug out from under them.
I know that had nothing to do with your question but it has been bothering me all day. I hope you can find the real "why" that led you to cheat because "she did it first" is, as you said, just the excuse you used. The "why" is extremely important to the BS because by fixing the why she can start to trust that it isn't going to happen again. The "why" is usually buried much deeper and probably has something to do with low self esteem, self doubt (evident in this post) and maybe foo issues. I hope the best for both of you.
"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"
My answer is I don't think she knows yet. I will share my experience and will not judge you. I told myself to sacrifice and do it for the kids. But, I couldn't do it any longer, not for myself and inevitably for my kids and STBXH. It was horrible living in a state of not wanting to ruin my sons' lives, but at the same time, not accepting and eventually showing sons cheating is not an acceptable form of treatment or how to be treated. I'm setting the example for them.
With you, it's a little different, you felt bad enough to tell her. I had to find EVERYTHING out for over a year. He never felt bad enough to tell me anything on his own. sad. I would have forgiven him if he would have come to me. But, lying for another 15 months of trying to R and 3 years of him secretly cheating on me. I cannot and will not accept that treatment. I would rather have my boys come from a broken home than live in one.
Good luck, sweetie. I know you still hurt and this is very hard for you, too.
I, too, can recall that dark shadow. When we were doing family things, having fun, then a song comes on the radio, or I see a hotel and get triggers. It's not a way to live. It was like death for me. Death of our marriage and death of our vows, trust, my whole life, myself, everything that I knew was all a lie.
Do I need to just grow up and organise the divorce for her?
Have you read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair? It may be helpful.