Thank you Sissoon and TN,
It is very hard to admit how flawed I am, how ruled by my emotions. In life I like predicability. I like to assess, make a plan for action, implement and see the expected outcome. And then keep thinking of ways to make the outcome even better. It is very hard when the variables are controlled by someone else, someone illogical.
I have spent so long trying to fix problems that included the illogical....so no good outcome no matter how much effort, how very much effort I put in.
I am so ruled by the emotion of fear. I so much want to have the skill, some skill to be able to take myself in hand at the moment when it is at its worst. I have failed with that. I have gone to harmful places to try to escape that fear as it is all encompassing. I think this is not normal but I also think the longevity of my emotional abuse has really weakened me. To the point where I don't hear my inner voice. The voice that tells me what is right.
I am simply consumed with alleviating the fear, at all costs. Even at this moment, I would do anything, give up anything to not have this fear.
I so hope today at the MC she can help me with this. I may need to see someone else as she was supposed to be a MC for us but is seeing only me. Don't know if she is the correct person for a just me scenario.
I can not do this on my own. If people judge me as weak and tell me one more time to put on my big girl panties (I hate that expression), then so be it, that is not an avenue of help for me and I will find another.
It is humbling for me to admit I need help. Just all out need it, am not able to find the path myself. I feel desperation in that, I want to fix this myself.
So Sissoon, I will get through this. I have to. Sometimes I think of ways I can just give up this pain, but my DS is always there at the end of this road and I have to get to that, stay with that.
I will figure out what weakness in me decimates me with this pain. I am not going to pressure myself with the need for action NOW, the need for strength NOW! I am going to go forward each day the best I can even if I fail or feel diminished I am going to look forward and keep my eye on my prize, a life without this fear, but not because I have tamped it down or avoided it, because I have decimated IT.
TN, he is living out of the house and I want him living out of the house. There has been interaction that induced fear in me. The fear was I think mostly because I am afraid that his being kicked out set him off to the feral level. And I kicked him out.
I feared when he said he is done with DS as Ds told him to be a better man, but the real atrocity was that DS did not call him on his birthday after that. I feared being the cause of more pain to DS, I wanted to de-escalate this train of thought in him that seems like would harm DS horribly. He also angrily blames me for his bad relationship with his son, he thinks it is because DS knows (not everything). Because he knows. Not because he did these things, but because DS knows. And I told DS, so I am to blame he says.
Ds does not know what his father is saying. I do not want him to know, so I feel urged to de-escalate. This is what urges me to have contact with him.
I guess that is my payoff, if I de-escalate then there wont be more harm to DS and my fear level is manageable. Fear of more harm to me and DS.