I am having extreme anxiety. I fear what is happening that I don't know. I am in limbo, but really just a mess. I am not in a position of power and my extreme anxiety and fear is making me feel like I need to talk to him. I just feel such extreme cluelessness and sadness. Such sadness and my go to person when sad has been him so I am panicking and calling him. Thankfully he was not available at office, but I think they left a message that I called. He did not answer his cell and I left a message that I then went back in and erased.
I am jumping off a cliff. This is so hard. I feel so alone. This is so scary. I just feel like harm is being done to me that I am defenseless against. Does this even make sense? I also have such crushing sadness and pain at all that has happened in the past twelve months.
Breathe. Slow deep breaths. No matter what you're going to survive this. Keep focused on yourself right now.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
Why are you so afraid. Why do you think you need him? YOU don't you know. You can do this, and be smarter, happier, and healthier.
If you are feeling totally overwhelmed do see your Dr, get something to make life manageable. Some of us once in that panic, fight flight mode, just can't break the cycle without some help.
It's amazing what some clear thinking outside the panic can do for you.
If I can even identify it it is his anger and hostility at me and what that invokes in me. I am just recognizing how overpowering that is.....that I will do anything to make it stop.
I am going to try to discuss this in IC today. The why and where it comes from. I am sure many places. One being the years of conditioning me, how he learned that it got me to react in a certain way.... to do anything to make it stop.
Also, I guess I have to hark back to FOO issues, my father was always very angry and I tried to defuse, tried to be a happy-go-lucky kid around him to defuse, not even knowing what i was doing at the time. But knowing that I feared the anger and wanted it to stop, or not start, not escalate.
I feel out of control now, like I made his anger escalate by getting him to move out. And escalating goes against all my protective instincts.
It is a panic/flight/fright mode tushnurse. I guess I have to research that too.
I find fear rules me. High anxiety. I do have xanax, I did take some at the very end last night. Got three hours of sleep.
I fear his escalation, fear him going feral. I know I am at the bottom, do not have strength reserves. Feel like I should do what I can to makes things better so I can feel safe and try to get stronger. I just can not face him in an adversarial way at this point. I need to be stronger. Or it will destroy me. Does this seem right thinking?
You have your feelings; they don't have you. You're in control of your inner life. I know you don't realize that yet, but it's true. Start telling yourself you will get through this - or start imagining voices saying the same thing from your supporters here (and elsewhere).
Right now you see no way out.
In fact, there are good solutions to your problems.
In fact, you can find them.
In fact, you can implement them.
(((mip)))
WHY? What's the payoff? You are getting some sort of "payoff" from this, or you wouldn't be stuck in the cycle.
YOU DON'T need him. YOU can be happy being you. Once you realize and accept this you will truly start making the steps needed to save yourself.
DO NOT allow yourself to slip back into the abuse cycle.
It is very hard to admit how flawed I am, how ruled by my emotions. In life I like predicability. I like to assess, make a plan for action, implement and see the expected outcome. And then keep thinking of ways to make the outcome even better. It is very hard when the variables are controlled by someone else, someone illogical.
I have spent so long trying to fix problems that included the illogical....so no good outcome no matter how much effort, how very much effort I put in.
I am so ruled by the emotion of fear. I so much want to have the skill, some skill to be able to take myself in hand at the moment when it is at its worst. I have failed with that. I have gone to harmful places to try to escape that fear as it is all encompassing. I think this is not normal but I also think the longevity of my emotional abuse has really weakened me. To the point where I don't hear my inner voice. The voice that tells me what is right.
I am simply consumed with alleviating the fear, at all costs. Even at this moment, I would do anything, give up anything to not have this fear.
I so hope today at the MC she can help me with this. I may need to see someone else as she was supposed to be a MC for us but is seeing only me. Don't know if she is the correct person for a just me scenario.
I can not do this on my own. If people judge me as weak and tell me one more time to put on my big girl panties (I hate that expression), then so be it, that is not an avenue of help for me and I will find another.
It is humbling for me to admit I need help. Just all out need it, am not able to find the path myself. I feel desperation in that, I want to fix this myself.
So Sissoon, I will get through this. I have to. Sometimes I think of ways I can just give up this pain, but my DS is always there at the end of this road and I have to get to that, stay with that.
I will figure out what weakness in me decimates me with this pain. I am not going to pressure myself with the need for action NOW, the need for strength NOW! I am going to go forward each day the best I can even if I fail or feel diminished I am going to look forward and keep my eye on my prize, a life without this fear, but not because I have tamped it down or avoided it, because I have decimated IT.
TN, he is living out of the house and I want him living out of the house. There has been interaction that induced fear in me. The fear was I think mostly because I am afraid that his being kicked out set him off to the feral level. And I kicked him out.
I feared when he said he is done with DS as Ds told him to be a better man, but the real atrocity was that DS did not call him on his birthday after that. I feared being the cause of more pain to DS, I wanted to de-escalate this train of thought in him that seems like would harm DS horribly. He also angrily blames me for his bad relationship with his son, he thinks it is because DS knows (not everything). Because he knows. Not because he did these things, but because DS knows. And I told DS, so I am to blame he says.
Ds does not know what his father is saying. I do not want him to know, so I feel urged to de-escalate. This is what urges me to have contact with him.
I guess that is my payoff, if I de-escalate then there wont be more harm to DS and my fear level is manageable. Fear of more harm to me and DS.
It is very hard to admit how flawed I am, how ruled by my emotions.
Please don't look at this as a flaw. You've hit a significant roadbump in life, to say the least. Reaching out for help is a STRENGTH. It means that you are going to do what you need to to pull yourself out of this mess instead of going down with the ship.
Sending you huge hugs today.
Knowing and taking the steps to get help are a major show of strength.
NOW - You have to stop reaching out to him. Just stop. Gently your son is a man, and as one can and will need to learn how to deal with his dad all on his own. Be the ear to listen, and shoulder to cry on, but DO NOT be the referee, or the fire extinguisher. THAT IS NOT YOUR JOB. When you make that your job, you lose control over you.
AS a Mom I get wanting to prevent pain and harm to our kids, and when H was having his A he was abusive verbally not only to me, but to them as well. They were young, and they figured it all out very quickly to stay away from the mean man. It took him quite some time to repair that damage. It wasn't my job to repair it.
I did take steps to protect them, hell it was a major factor in me finally saying enough. I never spoke poorly of him in front of them. But by GOD I could NOT repair the damage he did. That was on him.
The same holds true for you and your son.
I'm not sure exactly what you mean by the "feral level" if you mean abuse, then protect yourself. If you truly fear for your well being then stay the hell away and file a RO. The cycle of abuse is hard to break. The longer you have been in it, the harder it is. But you are stronger than you know, and you can do this.
TushN—the feral level was a phrase I got on a thread here. It referred to NPs who had run through their bag of tricks to get you to comply and were then going for the jugular. At least that’s how I took it and it was a scary description.
I have learned my lesson. Me reaching out to him does not change anything. I still fear what him being left to his own thinking will produce.
Also true about DS. Feels good to know I have to just let the chips fall, that I do not have to be responsible for all parts of this. I had gotten a big 2 x4 before for telling DS some of what was going on. At IC today she again told me that it was the right thing to do, that this is a family trauma going on and that he is an adult member of the family and should have knowledge.
Justinpain—yes the five DDays are all actually the same OW…my continuing to find out continued contact or renewed contact. It is actually the long-term gas-lighting that is the most damaging thing…being made to believe an alternate reality. I’m trying to stand by myself, I’m wobbly but I am still up.
IC visit was pretty good, felt better coming out, always a good thing. Did not really address too much my inability to cope with fear, but she did give me the name of a shark lawyer. This was something I was feeling very worried about as the only one I have seen was NICE…not what I need. And googling shark lawyer was getting me nowhere. So I have his name in hand and feel empowered by it.
so sorry you are having such a difficult time.
you know what though? after reading thru this thread, it occurs to me how incredibly brave you are to have taken the step to have him leave and stop the abuse.
brave, mip and strong. i understand your fear of not knowing whats going on, but you didnt before did you?
dont reach out to him. it will send a stronger message than trying to contact him. he wants you trying to contact him, it gives him power.
ds will be ok and as tushnurse says, your husband will have to fix that. he is blaming you for his own shortcomings. dont allow him to do that. just dont respond to his accusations.
hang in there mip, stay focused on you. try to not even think of him right now. put the energy into you. youdeserve it.
kiki
