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When will I be free of him?

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Helen of Troy posted 5/6/2014 07:04 AM

Seriously. This has gone on nearly 4 years and xwh is still angry, accusatory and unwilling to do what is best for our kids.
We co own a house for one more year. Meanwhile he is constantly saying what I am not doing in regards to upkeep. It feels like his rage from being abandoned by me will never die.
I still remember when he didn't like the way I was acting (filed divorce), there was marital discord and he left his phone on the table. He set an alarm and never got up to shut it off so I did.
And purposely left text from ow (not the one he married but one of several fruit loops) "Oh so sorry lover, maybe we can go on a real date now" just to stick it to me. He has never stopped this hate campaign since that day. Every time before that when I wanted to leave he would write some well versed note he probably found on google, saying all the right things. Obviously it didn't mean shit because I suspect he was cheating the whole time, from the start.
But who cares now. My point is when will this ever stop? I'm getting really tired of him and don't have time or money for his petty court battles.

kg201 posted 5/6/2014 07:17 AM


I don't understand the venom either. It's mind boggling that they play the victim when they are the ones who sling the shit.

One question about your post...your statement about your abandoning that your belief or are you stating what he blames you for? Because it would seem that he is the one who did the abandoning.

Ashland13 posted 5/10/2014 19:42 PM

For a long time, this went on with Perv, too. It's been two years now that I've been separated from him and divorce hearing starts soon.

What I have learned I hope will help.

These x's sound passive agressive. I'm no counselor but went for two years and read acres. Perv was diagnosed this with NPD.

See, so as not to generalize, what happend with him is that he was very, very passive during marriage and his time with me (20 years) in order to keep peace. He stopped doing things because he loved me but continued the facade while he found another situation-OW-so he could bolt from me.

Now that he is not physically with me, this amazing amount of basic hatred spews out at me from his computer and phone screens. It is the aggression made worse by years of resentment that he hid rather than deal with the first time he was mad at me.

A counselor I went to likened this behavior to a school yard bully who hides behind a tree and continues to peek out and tease a smaller kid.

It stops when the person it is directed at is able to not be bothered by it-or ignore it and not show that it bothers them.

Now that x is away from you, it sounds kind of similar, in my opinion. We all have our own way of keeping a house and raising kids, so he may also be looking for something to pick on you about and raise your hackles or find something to complain to his lawyer about...

And the text from the OW sounds like he was trying to egg you on.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 7:43 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]

stronggirl72 posted 5/10/2014 21:00 PM

Ugh. Sounds so familiar.

Once I started walking away from my XH's many instances of beratement for whatever he felt I was doing "wrong," it seemed as though he started to run out of ways to attack. It is sort of like taking the air out of a balloon.

I won't lie, that first time was scary because I thought it might make him explode (but, he didn't).

As difficult as it is, just try to remind yourself that you are in charge. Don't give him the power.

Perhaps you can try that tactic?

[This message edited by stronggirl72 at 9:01 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]

SBB posted 5/11/2014 01:28 AM

You cannot control or influence his fuckery but you do have control over how much you let it impact your life.

He thinks (insert the idiotic rant of the week)... ? Who the fuck cares?

As I said to the sad clown shortly after S "What you think of me matters less to me than you might imagine."

Practice this. I suspect you don't really give a flying fuck what he thinks but for the drama it causes. You can control that y'know. Just ice him out.

You didn't abandon him - these are the consequences of his actions and choices. He's upset because you wouldn't let him cake eat. Boo fucking hoo.

He does it about the house now but when that is no longer an opportunity he'll find other ways to torment you. That's why it is so important to a) reduce the opportunities he gets to launch grenades; and b) develop skills to become impervious to the grenades they do get to launch.

I personally don't understand the venom either. The best I can figure out is they do it as a reaction to losing their perceived control over us. They can't get positive attention from us so go for the next best thing, negative attention.

You see the same behaviour in toddlers before they learn how to process and express their emotions. These guys are no different. Arrested development that existed long before we entered the picture and is one of the factors that led them to cheat in the first place.

Ironic that they seem to have this insatiable need for our attention now - what I would have done to have him want my attention in the dying years of our M!! I got zip, zilch, nada. Because he still had control of me back then.

Now I have neither want or need of his attention anymore. I would rather set my hair alight. Because I am healing and growing. I am truly moving on in heart, mind and spirit.

He on the other hand has pretended to move on with his latest victim but his mind is still stuck in Xanadu where he felt like a king.

Too bad motherfucker. The king is dead - long live the Queen!!

I do wish his life was fulfilling enough for him to not seek my attention. I pity him that. That must suuuuuuck - especially given how easily he cast me aside. Sellers remorse.

In his destructive and devastating quest for freedom I have ended up the one who was set free. Who knew eh?

meredith132 posted 5/11/2014 17:05 PM

So true SBB. Be concise, be emotionless it drains their power supply big time xxx

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