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How big a deal is this?

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JLyn1128 posted 5/6/2014 18:29 PM

I was casually thinking about my birthday, coming in October and a huge hammer hit me in the head and heart when my brain spit out a question...was he with her on my birthday last year? It was a Friday, and I think they typically had lunch and sex on Fridays. I'm not sure I want to bring it up. R has been going so well and WBF has been doing everything I asked and everything right. I feel like I made the decision to start new on DD Christmas Eve... so anything before that should be included and to bring this up would be beating a dead horse. If I ask, he will answer. If he says 'no', would I believe him? If he said 'yes' it would devastate me. If I don't get this out of my head, one way or the other... I feel like it will just screw up what is going well. How do you decide what is important enough to ask and what isn't or shouldn't be? I know that we went out for dinner that night and I thought, maybe, we'd have a nice intimate evening (we had not been on good terms for months)but he went directly into his office and shut the door. Of course, now I know he was chatting back and forth with her, but I never saw the conversations that early in October. The first I was able to view were the end of the month. Is his behavior that night the answer to my question in itself? If they didn't see each other that day... they did the day before or soon after, so what difference does it make? How do I just stop myself on this and let it go. I feel like that's what I want to do.

soloney posted 5/6/2014 18:41 PM

IMO but I would have to know. Once I get a thought in my head I have to ask my WH, if not it won't go away.

It was also very important for me to get a detailed timeline.

crestfallen posted 5/6/2014 18:50 PM

I guess the answer is.....Could you handle it if the answer is yes? I know, I asked several questions that I regret knowing the answer. I know my H was with me on my birthday, as we went out to dinner. However, he excused himself several times to go to the bathroom and I know it took a little too long to return. I know he was talking to I really have to ask? It was a behavior that eventually lead me to ask.."WTF?" So, in reality, you know the answer was that he probably was. If your R is going well, do you really want confirmation of something that you know is probably true? You might. However, I know that it was just ripping off a scab for me.

Just know, that as some point, you need to decide, what really is important to know...I got to the point that I just assumed that when I thought he was talking to her, he probably was. It's just the way affairs are. It's all about the sneaking and the secrecy. Although, I would want to know if he took her away for her birthday...I just as well assumed that he talked to her on mine....To me, that was the least offensive thing he was just part of the affair program.

Ostrich80 posted 5/6/2014 21:07 PM

What's going to happen if he says yes? If Friday's were their time and you weren't with him that day, most likely you have your answer. I don't think any days are sacred during an A.

norabird posted 5/7/2014 00:37 AM


No matter what I hope this year your birthday will feel special for you. I. Sorry for all these questions. You have been heard.

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