And ever since, I've been lost in a slew of emotions. I've been really confused, and it's taken me a long time to sort out which feelings are based on what is actually occurring vs ways that XH treated me in the past. I haven't been this much of an emotional trainwreck since those dark few months after D-Day. I've found myself lashing out at SO and engaging in really horrible, hurtful self-talk. I'm more rational at the moment, but I've really lost it a couple times over the past few days. It's like I just can't see reality. All I can see is my hurt, literally to the exclusion of everything else.
SO and I took a breather for today, which really hurt at first. Now that I'm rational again, I can see that he was taking steps to protect himself and give us both time to regroup. It was probably the best thing he could have done. But I've suddenly lost a lot of trust in myself. I knew I wasn't 100% healed, but I no longer hold any anger or resentment towards XH. I've been able to trust another man, and we have a stable relationship with mutual respect and good communication (except this past week... ). I think I'm okay now, but I'm terrified of this happening again. I hate feeling out of control and irrational, and the worst part is that it took me a day or two to even start seeing how out-of-touch my reaction was with what was actually occurring between SO and I. Honestly I'm embarrassed, too. I acted very childishly and selfishly. How can I work though this and lessen the chance of another trigger like this?
Since my house burned down / I now own a better view / of the rising moon.
- Mizuta Masahide
I think triggers take everyone unawares. Apologize and explain your SO. Forgive yourself, indulge in self-care, and talk about this in or get back into IC.
It's all a learning process. No one is free of issues. And learning yo manage our own is trial and error sometimes.
I also had some issues with triggers and cell phones ... It took me a while to build the courage to talk with my SO and it was a great thing I did.
It was about a year fom D-Day, though XH and I had been growing apart for a while before I found out about his year-long affair. XH is a sex addict and is very lost as far as knowing who he is and what he wants. About 4 or 5 years ago, I started to explore who I am, and found that he wasn't willing or able to pursue any of my interests with me. I'm not even sure he liked who I was becoming; my mom always said that she thought he felt threatened by my independence... He had no real interests of his own, outside of sitting around watching movies. And sex, of course. :/ Although I'd probably have stayed with him had I not found out about the A, he was never the kind of partner I've learned I needed. And through our MC and my IC, I've come to recognize that it was never a healthy relationship, even in the beginning.
SO is actually a friend who grew into more; we've known each other for almost 10 years through work. I wouldn't be ready to start a new relationship with anyone else, and I wasn't looking for one when he and I started connecting in a romantic way. If things between us don't work out, I have no interest in dating or looking elsewhere. I'm good just being by myself. Right now, we're just taking things slowly and enjoying the fact that we share many interests and activities. After so long doing everything by myself, it's very nice to be able to truly share enjoyment and hobbies with someone who gets as much joy out of them as I do.