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lying in the bed I made

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wantingmore posted 5/6/2014 23:48 PM

Its been an extremely long time since I have been on this site, however I really feel like no one would understand me. I was married to my best friend for 13 years, we had our ups and downs. I cheated on her in our 8th year and we broke up, we reconciled but not in the right way. We never did counseling and she pretty much felt that I had the issues in our relationship,so I did IC. We had very real issues and were not good at communication. We lacked intimacy, rarely had sex, maybe 7xs a year, we fought incessively. Towards the end of our marriage, we barely spoke unless we were fighting. So needless to say we broke up again. I found solice in my friends, who backed my decision to break up, because they could see how miserable I was. They felt that I should have flings and not get serious. I began to date this one woman exclusively soon afterwards. I pretty much became committed and have been for the last 3.5 years to a really good woman. She moved into my house about 6 months later afterwards. We talked about marriage and children early into our relationship. However, I keep finding reasons to put it off. She is pretty much at her breaking point and is making plans for a wedding (she has never been married and doesnt have children) I find myself in knots when we talk about either. I cant imagine marrying anyone else. My ex has dated a few guys, never for a long time and we remain pretty much best friends. (we were best friends before we dated) I really feel like I moved on too quickly and I wasnt ready. I regret not fighting for my marriage. I feel like she does too, we have talked more candidly in these last 3 years than we ever did during our marriage. I still love her, however, I am aware that we havent fixed our issues. Or even worked on them because we are apart. I feel crazy because I have a good mate and I cant appreciate her because Im stuck in my past. I have thought of putting space between me and my ex, but I panic like crazy when I think of not being in touch with her. I dont know, I feel like I suck, like Im jacking up 2 women in my process.

[This message edited by wantingmore at 11:53 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)]

norabird posted 5/7/2014 00:48 AM

Do you think perhaps what you need right now is to be alone? I hate to think of either your committing without being all-in to your current SO or running back to your ex without resolving your issues. Which makes me think some time on your own may be called for.

Do you still see an IC?

At the very least, please think hard about stopping contact with your ex. Or, decide to try to win her back and do the right thing by breaking off your current relationship.

If only life were easy. But try to do the honorable thing here.

Peace and strength.

absolut posted 5/7/2014 00:48 AM

tell your girlfriend that you aren't going to marry her and that she has 30 days to move out.

Tell her you still talk to your ex-wife about reconciling and consider your ex your best friend.

Print this out and show it to your girlfriend. I mean your post not mine. That will help solve your wedding problem.

Do you realize you are cheating on her? You are basically incapable of committing to one woman for fear of "what if"
I don't know the answer to that but I know that what you are doing to your gf is wrong.

suckstobeme posted 5/7/2014 03:12 AM

Bud, you have to make a move or else life is going to continue to roll right over you and people are going to continue to be hurt.

Your inability to talk and really say how you feel has already caused a massive issue in your life with your ex. Now, it's going to cause a lot of pain to this woman who is planning a life with a guy who wants no part of that. I just keep wondering, does she really know that? Does she honestly know she's picking out gowns and tasting cake and dreaming of her new life all for no reason? Does she realize that you never wanted a future with her in the first place?? This poor woman is another object of collateral damage in your fight with yourself.

Regardless of what happens, you have to truly sort out what you want. You can't just let things happen to a point where you feel stuck so you might as well just go with it. That's unfair to everyone involved.

I think you are able to talk to your ex now because she's your ex. You're not as invested anymore so it's not as difficult to be honest.

I agree that being alone is probably best for you now. You need clarity and some tools to help with honest communication.

You don't need to keep lying in this bed. But no one can get you out of it but you.

wantingmore posted 5/7/2014 04:23 AM

Thank you all. I think I do need to be alone and for some time. I really never had. I don't talk about reconciliation with my ex, however we do talk "too" much. I have recently started ic again because this feels so horrible. This is not where I want to be. It's just feels crazy to throw away a good thing. But I know I'm not ready and it isn't fair. Thanks again, I think I just needed to hear this from a non biased source.

Darkness Falls posted 5/7/2014 09:25 AM

I was in this place after my divorce. I was seeing a man for around 2 years but I couldn't get over my XH. I knew I still loved him and when I realized that I would get back together with him if given the opportunity is when I realized that the relationship with my SO had no future and thus no real point.

I did break it off and it was very difficult to do. He was angry and upset because he thought things were going well. They actually weren't---we had many other issues aside from my lingering grief over my cheating and divorce---but that was his perspective and not my place to tell him how to feel. But I did the right thing...not just because my XH and I are now reconciling and mostly happy, but because xSO deserved the chance to find someone who loved only him and who wasn't hung up on the past.

I wish you luck in doing the right thing.

abbycadabby posted 5/7/2014 09:35 AM

Let your SO go find someone who is willing to commit to only her.

Get yourself to IC.

For goodness' sake, don't rush into any other relationships, including one with your ex.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 9:44 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)]

GabyBaby posted 5/7/2014 10:09 AM

I agree with Absolut.
This is just all kinds of wrong.

My XWH had this same attitude. He was always "happy" until another alternative presented iteslf. Then, of course, the wishy-washy "I'm so confused" and "I don't want to hurt either of you" crap starts up.

The plain fact of the matter is that he was cheating. And so are you.

Brandon808 posted 5/7/2014 10:19 AM

In a sense I am where you are. I dated a woman after my D. She ended things and I struggled with feeling like I didn't fight hard enough for the relationship. Through my own work in IC I realize I would be with her again if given the chance. Just as HB0903 said that kind of thing really does prevent you from moving on and developing intimacy with someone else. You need some time alone (as much as "alone" sucks) and in IC to work through those issues imho.

better4me posted 5/7/2014 12:45 PM

I find that I often come to SI with an issue when I already "know" what I need to do, but I'm in a quandary about "how" to do what I need to do. (And, conversely, I often avoid talking about issues here when I know what I need to do, don't want to do it and don't want anyone spitting in my soup).

You know what you need to do. Hurting your current SO now is much better than hurting her in a few months or in a few years. Let her go to find the person who can love her the way she deserves to be loved. Do the right thing.

heartbroken_kk posted 5/8/2014 14:34 PM

What I see is that you are stringing your GF along. If you are in your early 40's then are you dating a woman who wants to marry and have kids who is ABOUT TO RUN OUT OF TIME??? Your profile doesn't say how old she is but seriously you are running the risk of literally STEALING her fertility from her.

Don't do that. That's what my cheating STBXWH did to me. We talked about children and he made it sound like when the time was right we would have kids. The time was never right for him. NEVER WAS GONNA BE.

And now I'm 50 and I am in perimenopause and my chance to have kids was ripped off by a guy who couldn't be honest and couldn't REALLY commit to me, even though he married me.

You need to break it off with your GF, and do it now. Don't delay. Let her know you can't marry her and can't give her children and let her go. It will hurt but it has to be done.

Wantingmore, you need to grow up now. You need to look yourself in the mirror and start making honorable decisions. Start living with some integrity. Let your GF go. Ask her to move out and move on with her life so she can find the love she deserves.

Then, you need to go NC with your XW. Stop talking to her. Commit to your self-healing and working with your IC. IC should be hard work. Seriously work on improving yourself and learning how to go through life as a fully-matured adult, not a man-child.

It's good you've come back here. You might feel a little ganged up on here in NB but please keep posting and let us know how your progress is going. If not in this forum then in the waywards forum. You need support through this. Get your head on straight and work towards cleaning up your life, OK?

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