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exWW unable to let go and move on

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allatsea posted 5/7/2014 05:09 AM

Most of you guys know my story. Thanks to you kind people I have largely been able to survive infidelity and move on.

I filed and pushed for divorce - I'm divorced
I took her to court to ensure I got access to my kids
I've been encouraging CexW to settle the finances since she moved out over a year ago but she simply won't engage. We have another hearing at the end of June which should set her straight on a few things but the thing that confounds me is her reluctance to get the last remaining issue settled so we can both move on.

I've offered her what she's asked for but still she says no. Or rather she simplty doesn't respond at all.

I suggested to her that her refusal to settle had nothing to do with the amount of money and everything to do with her being consumed with rage that I am the one who has chosen to stay in the former home and maintain my quality of life for me and the boys. The boys and I are happy and content. It is their home and we love being in it.

Yesterday I proved the point by offering her more money to settle and still she didn't reply.

For someone who got exactly what they asked for (OM, my kids most of the time, a new baby) she sure expends a lot of energy not letting go of the past and not moving on.

Ironically, it is me who has moved on and wants her out of my life as much as is reasonably possible. The sooner the finances are sorted the sooner I can rest at night knowing that she no longer has any say over how I spend my money or how many cars I own.

I've also realised that when her crazy viewpoint gets so crazy that even she can't rationlise it to herself she blows a fuse and calls me mental and all communication ceases.

[This message edited by allatsea at 5:10 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)]

mike7 posted 5/7/2014 05:22 AM

yep. you've been put through the ringer. I really think your XWW has some mental/control issues.

I know it's fresh and hurt, but after seeing her behave the way she does, don't you feel a little relieved? Don't you think to yourself, man! I can't believe I was married to her.

The next one will actually be sane and nice.

Remember when she was trying to take your boys from you and you were justifiably in despair? You felt she had destroyed you.

I don't know much, but I know you certainly don't sound destroyed. Seems to me you still have your boys and you've just dodged a huge bullet by not living the rest of your life with her.

Take care of yourself friend. Wishing you the best.

Softcentre posted 5/7/2014 05:34 AM

You may well be right...although it maybe more about losing control over you once the finances are settled.

But you're giving her too much of your head space. Worse, you gave her ego kibbles by letting her know your thoughts...Back to crickets AAS. She doesn't deserve your head space, and certainly doesn't deserve to know that you think about her.

She's probably also going deliberately slow to get a reaction out of you, too. Maybe try thinking of her as toddler, trying loads of different naughty things to get your attention, keep ignoring her and she'll realise it doesn't work.

allatsea posted 5/7/2014 05:48 AM

I do feel I've dodged the final fatal bullet. I wouldn't say I dodged all the bullets because I was with her for so long and she cheated on me before we even got married.

But yes, I do also see that I'm trying to understand the impossible from a place of rational thought.

My reason for contact with her was for my own benefit. I would rather not have to face her in court at the end of June and spend yet more money I don't have combined with the risk that the judge has a brain fart and forces me to give her more than 50%.

Every attempt so far has failed so I will now give up and let it go to court. In the meantime she will be giving birth to the grulet hence why there is such a protrated hearing date.

I've alrady seen that other women are sane and nice. They have female friends and correct boundaries. They aren't always trying to prove their attractiveness by flirting all the time.

The boys truly enjoy being with their dad and being at home. I know I can offer them sanctuary especially when grulet appears.

Life is not too shabby. I just want her out of it

The best bit is that Abbondad is likely to be by my side (actually not virtually) at the financial hearing at the end of June! How cool is that!!!

[This message edited by allatsea at 5:50 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 5/7/2014 06:23 AM

Like ADs fuckwit she's like a heifer who hides her head behind a tree and thinks nobody can see her.

This is all about control. She'll be set straight in June. You'll come out smelling like roses because you've already done everything humanly possible to settle this out of court.

She hasn't agreed to what she requested? I'm thinking she's going to get slap for wasting the courts time. They don't like it when people abuse the system like this.

What does your L say? What is your worst case scenario if the judge does have a brain fart. 60/40? The sad clown earns $250k+ (more than double want I do) and on a GOOD day I would get 60/40 with 50/50 being the bad day for me. We settled on 50/50 before court. He was pushing for 60/40 I. His favour if you can believe it. I wish he had pushed it to court but it wasn't about the extra 10% for him. It was fucking me over.

Is OMs income considered in this? I hope she shot herself in the foot by delaying.

I love it that you'll have a representative of the SI cheer squad with you on the day!!

HobbesTheTiger posted 5/7/2014 06:31 AM

Hi. Just wanted to suggest that you talk to your solicitor about potential consequences of "offering more money" - don't offer more money than you're actually willing to give, just to "prove the point", as the judge might see your highest offer as something to go by.

Best wishes to all of you, and I hope she eventually gets the pyschological treatment she needs.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/7/2014 07:43 AM

I don't really have any great advice, but I do understand.

I tried over and over to discuss things with my ex so we wouldn't have to go to court. My L was pretty expensive, so some simple things I just wanted to work out with him. But he wouldn't do it. I would send him things like asset lists and proposed holiday schedules, and he would ignore me, or bash me, or come up with some excuse why *I* was the one dragging out the divorce.

The asshole couldn't even choose how he wanted to handle a stupid holiday! I would send him a nice email, listing the holidays and then proposing different ways we could split them (every other year, split the day every year, etc), and he just REFUSED to ever answer me with what he preferred. He would answer me with accusations and threats, but never an answer to my questions..

So, I wish I had some advice that could get your ex to settle on things with you, but I was never able to accomplish that. We ended up at trial at the end of March, and the good news is that the judge gave me pretty much everything I wanted. And my ex got chewed out for dragging this to court, cause I had plenty of evidence of the fact that I tried to settle out of court..

Why are they unable to let go? (And then blame *us* for being the ones that can't let go?) I don't know, but I would go with what other people said.. Mental disease/control issues..

suckstobeme posted 5/7/2014 08:32 AM

It is never lost on me that the ones who so desperately want their freedom and want out of these so-called bad marriages, are the ones who step right into the bear traps that the OW/OM set. She's annoyed that you no longer care what she does or how she lives as long as it doesn't hurt your boys. And she's ultra annoyed that you are doing exactly as you say - you're making the rules in your own life; you get to buy what you want when you want; you get to date who you want when you want; you don't have to answer to anyone; and you now have the freedom that she was chasing when this whole thing started.

You're doing great. I remember when you first arrived here at SI and the horrible pain that came out of your posts. You've come a long way and should be proud of yourself.

Softcentre posted 5/7/2014 10:42 AM

Just out of interest, have you got your absolute already?...She may just not be motivated if she has the absolute and is being supported by the AP

Secrets Kept posted 5/7/2014 14:50 PM

Right on AAS, that Abbondad will be there for you.
That is too cool & what a way for you 2 to meet besides on SI, huh?

And Abbondad....enjoy your visit to London!!!

Abbondad posted 5/7/2014 15:43 PM

Poking my head in :-)

I am psyched. I just hope I can get my passport in time!

LifeIsBroken posted 5/7/2014 19:31 PM

I full well remember the condition of both All At Sea and Abandondad when they came to SI. WOW ! Talk about a positive transition - both of you have come so far since then. That AD is going to London to support AAS ? Yippeeee ! Talk about turning lemons into lemonade ! YAY for both of you !

deena posted 5/7/2014 19:43 PM

the sooner I can rest at night knowing that she no longer has any say over how I spend my money or how many cars I own.

See this is why......control and the need to be nasty.
I don't know your story but it seems you went thru the ringer and came out better than ever. Stability for your kids is a great thing, something maybe she can't claim and it is driving her nuts to see that. She has to make your life miserable somehow!! Hopefully soon she won't have any choice but to let go!!!
Then freedom will taste that much better and you will be so much stronger!!

Good luck in court.

monarchwings posted 5/7/2014 20:12 PM

I havent posted on your thread before but I can say trying to reason with the crazy hasn't work so far. Starve her and starve her good. No more kibbles and bits, no water nada. I think we are all salivating waiting to hear you laugh that she did not get a second SINGLE nugget in her bowl of crazy from you.

AB is coming across the pond for a holiday. I love it...see the light at the end of the tunnel is way better than you could have expected.

allatsea posted 5/8/2014 05:03 AM

The crazy continues....

Less than one month after the divorce comes through craxy ex is engaged.

My boys mentioned something in passing that mummy has a cheap ring and is planning to get married after Grulet is born. I expect a more expensive ring will follow once her chubby fingers return to normal after the birth.

I feel a bit deflated but not because I want her or had any hopes. I still want Gru out of my boys life. This is just prolonging it.

I have to say that the speed my ex is moving astounds me.

stronger08 posted 5/8/2014 05:43 AM

I hate to tell you this but... its not going to stop after the D is finally final. You have underage kids and she will use them as a means of control and power over you. Don't think for one minute she is above using them to her advantage because she is not. For many Waywards its about control. How to keep it, how to use it, how to make you miserable using it. I'm many years in my friend and my XWW is still the same miserable, power hungry, angry bitch she was before, during and after her A. On the surface one would think she should be happy. She got what she wanted, a D from me with a good financial settlement, A new "Fiance" 14 years younger then her, a child who does good in school and is basically a good kid etc. But nope, she cant seem to let go of using me as her personal punching bag. I've been taking the high road for many years, but I'm at the point where I'd like to punch her in the face. I wont do it of course, but if anyone deserves it, its her......

Softcentre posted 5/8/2014 06:37 AM

AAS, did you know this foible of UK divorce law? :

If you remarry without having reached a financial settlement with your former spouse, you may lose the right to make any financial claim against him or her. He or she will still have the same right to make a financial claim against you as before.

If you have previously reached a clean break settlement, the remarriage (or cohabitation) will normally have no effect – you have already made a once and for all agreement (see 13).

If you are paying your ex-spouse maintenance (this does not include child maintenance), maintenance ceases if the recipient remarries (but not if the recipient merely starts to cohabit). In any case, if your former spouse’s financial position improves, you can apply to the court to stop paying maintenance or to pay a reduced amount.

If you are receiving maintenance from your ex-spouse, you should normally continue to do so after he or she remarries.

Given that she wants to remarry, this could be a useful bargaining tool...

allatsea posted 5/8/2014 06:49 AM

Hi Soft and Stronger,

The divorce is already finalised. The absolute came through in early April.

Soft, the only paragraph that would apply is the first one. We haven't reached agreement so I'll definitely be looking into it! Thanks for the heads up!
I have no idea when she plans to marry.

She's never had a claim to maintenance but does have claim to half the house. I don't imagine that will change even if she does marry. But if it also means she doesn't have claim to my pension then that would be good.

I'll look into it.

I just want her to bugger off and leave me alone. Fat chance!

Softcentre posted 5/8/2014 07:01 AM

AAS - it's one of the main reasons solicitors advise people not to get their absolute until the financials are settled...she's digging herself a great big hole. Let's hope Gru decides to whisk her off and marry her quickly

allatsea posted 5/8/2014 07:23 AM

I've fired the question off to my solicitor.
I'll post her reply

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